Snow and a cold week ahead means time inside

down the front driveway

Another day and more snow, but at least our plow guy was at work and cleared us.  The weather changes my plans and I will be staying put inside another day.  I had planned to go to Sam's today but pass now.  Roads will be clear but I dislike being out there in this when there is no need. 

This will be my 2nd day stuck inside, confined to quarters and I am not pleased because the week ahead looks similar.   Yesterday I was  more philosophical, "at least we are warm and comfy"  and I spent an afternoon watching a Netflix, movie, The Two Popes" starring Anthony Hopkins as Pope Benedict and Jonathan Pryce who portrays Pope Francis when he was Cardinal Gorgoglio.   I had read reviews that the movie portrayed Benedict negatively so I was prepared for that but was quite pleased that I did not detect any traces of that.  In fact I enjoyed the move, here on our big screen on my own schedule and will watch it again. 

Our big screen surround sound, my home comfort

I shared my thoughts on FB, "  decent portrayal of the magnificence, the pageantry, news clips are well blended, and the negative reaction of some toward Ratzinger Pope Benedict, from the beginning are not couched. Anthony Hopkins portrayal is outstanding, as I expected...a line I found comical, from Benedict, "it was easier when everyone spoke Latin" , another between Pope and cardinal, "no, no, no let us sit and be quiet, I know you like to talk but I' m exhausted."   

Although there is a lot to yet watch on Netflix or Amazon I decided to do more clearing out today, making the best of a bad situation, I have cleaned out another shelf stack of papers and old clippings, articles, things I have accumulated, things I think will be interesting later on, and  well, just things.  So today most of those went into the waste paper to be placed out with the recycle bin tomorrow, pick up day.  
I will have to cure myself of clipping and saving for later, for what?  I have managed to almost completely stop doing that with recipes, which I have organized into binders, categorized, but  seldom refer to any.  Instead I  have a couple go to favorite cookbooks and my own favorites that I prepare.  So having overcome that habit surely in 2020 I can quit clipping and acquiring other clutter.  

However just this week a friend shared on FB the best post I have read about grief for a long time.  I share it here and will not be printing it and saving it on my shelf for later.  Fresh progress for me.  So  here it is, the source  is 2015 so it has been around for some time, Gary Snow published it originally and it was on a website known as Reddit or something like that, but if one googles, it is out there all over, many have shared on their blogs and posts.  It is purportedly written by an old man in response to a young woman who is grieving the loss of her friend and she does not  know how to handle her grief.  Having lost all 3 of my oldest closest friends and our only son, all our old relatives, I  certainly relate to his wisdom"  

              Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Then again, I had clipped this, "Albert Einstein said that only 2 things are infinite the universe and human stupidity and I am not sure about the former"  With that, back to clutter clearing time here on another snow day.  How I wish we were down south in our motor coach.....living the life we planned.

            .  

Forehead smacked moment 2020

Today I caught myself again, trying to save something so not worth it.  For several months I have considered dumping the old tattered stained, cookie sheet.  After all, I have others to use.  But being parsimonious I kept using it.  Mostly I line it with foil and then toss the layers of foil, I just used it Friday lined to bake some frozen French fries and our salmon dinner.  Tossed the foil, and returned the cookie sheet to the cupboard.  

Well today I took an apple pie from the freezer and set it on the sheet.  For some reason I did not line the dheet with foil.  I have seldom baked a pie that did not bubble over, so I try to prevent an oven mess.  Yet I thought this pie might not bubble over much, it had been frozen since early October.  Who knows why I think the way I do.  

Dirty baked on cookie sheet

I began to smell something dark, burning scent, yep my pie had bubbled over onto the sheet!  Phew, glad I used it or would have had to run the self cleaning oven and open the kitchen window on this 25 degree day.  Even then there woukd have been oven scrubbing needed from the burnt pie filling, sugar...So after the pie was dine, I began to scrub this sheet, using a knife to scrape and an SOS pad to scour.  Not much luck, major burnt on not disappearing.   Jerry asked me why I was bothering reminding me that DO had just mentioned tossing it and using one of my others.  Duh!  Forehead  smack! 

New cookie sheet, rim, unstained

It is not like I do not have others, in fact the twin was right there, beans  sparkling new, shiny.  I have another, even heavier, nicer, but this will be just fine.  I also have a couple other which are not rimmed but are very good, high quality.  So I can toss the nasty worn one out, with no guilt.   I certainly have gotten my money's worth out of it over the years.  

And the Apple pie nicely baked, just waiting to be cut and served this evening.  Notice I put it into foil, so it will not make a mess of the counter tops.  

Blah again but fresh salmon tonite

Down the side of the driveway, picture not from yesterday,
 but it shows  some of the long walk....

Yesterday:  Thursday,  Such a wasted day, but to be positive, I had no need to leave our warm comfy home.  It was wet this morning, as predicted although I never saw it rain.  And sleet, yep, there it was...as I stepped out to take a letter to the mailbox at the end of the driveway it only took me a couple steps to realize  I needed skates for the ice glaze,  this was a very deceptive coating, and yet we had been warned by weather forecasters..So I walked down the grass side.  I was  mailing a card to a local friend who is recuperating in a facility now from hip surgery after her second fall in a year.  Like that's all I'd need to dump myself.  So I made it....these days the mere idea of falling and breaking scares the hell out of me, as someone told me, old folks do not bounce when they fall, they break and despite my striving to maintain physical fitness, the chronology of 75 years is a fact.  Yes my bone density is outstanding to which I can only thank my genes because I have never been a milk drinker and likely did little to build these good bones. I am responsible for and doing it all here, I must prevail, and go on.  No choice. The newspaper and news showed several bad accidents where folks spun out into  poles and worse.  A semi jack knifed toward Madison on I 94 blocking the interstate for a couple hours.  So again, thankful for the little things, that I did not have to emerge and have a warm, safe home to stay put in. I have enough to do, caught up on some financial work onto our Quicken for year end data.  Sometimes I feel like I am back at work again, only then I had a staff of 300 some and did not have to do data entry nor analysis myself.  Much as I can grumble and I do to myself, I know I have a thankful duty too.  

Raw Superior fresh salmon, ready for
 slight dose of EVO and rosemary

Same meal in November, Friday night special here
Superior Fresh Salmon.  this pic
Except for  real SF sourdough tonite

Today, Friday was a better day and began with a zumba workout at the Y.  We had a new  young lean instructor today and for the first time in weeks I really worked up a sweat.  Then it was a grocery store stop at Festival where I picked up some Superior fresh salmon for dinner tonight, at $15.99  per pound the woman next to me at the counter, watching me buy it was astonished.  But I told her it is worth every penny, fresh  aqua ponic  farmed in Hixon, WI, where they do know what they are doing, no massive dirty fish farm there.  My local butcher friend Pete there  had just put it out, said they had just gotten it off the truck 30 minutes ago and laughed that I must have a 6th sense about when they deliver because at many times I have followed the fresh deliveries.  There is nothing like fresh.    I also enjoy the Superior  fresh lettuces and mixed greens, I pay a little  more than the bagged commercial versions, but it is worth it to me.   Check out this link to their website  https://www.superiorfresh.com/  even better watch the you tube link, marvelous.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihL6RwpKpzA  There is  a personal reward to me to buying very fresh, high quality foods.  

 When we cannot get fresh sockeye flown in from Alaska Copper River, the Superior is the best.  We eat at home all the time now and so I feel no guilt at treating us to exquisite meals.  It will be simple to do besides, roast in the over along with some fresh frozen fries and I have coleslaw and good SF sourdough bread.  Wine for me and a gourmet feast another night..  At least I do enjoy cooking, just wish Jerry were  a bit better and not having the unpredictable coughing spells so I could invite friends in to share with us.  

2020 New Year same activities

Jerry with Florence, Dianne and Marian Dianne's daughter

I continue to try to divest, toss, and when lucky share with those who can and appreciate my pass alongs.  Today it is more photos, which I scan first and will send along to granddaughter.  Found some from 1997, Newcastle, CA when  we hosted a surprise 80th birthday party for Jerry's mom, Florence..  It would be the very last time he and all his siblings were together with their mother, but who knew what twists life would take back then.  Well, this photo shows that indeed Florence was surprised, it was easy, she suspected nothing, not even when her daughter Dianne came from southern CA with her daughter.  Well Dianne, died in  2005. 

 But I decided too send this photo along to granddaughter after all this too was her family, although she along with her father know nothing of this side.  Maybe someday in life she might wonder or stumble across this side of her heritage.  I think it is just  awful how Allen's  mother destroyed this entire paternal side for him,. although Florence tried to keep the connection.  All water under the bridge.  But as I continue with my  genealogy postings onto Ancestry,  and am contacted by others searching for their links into our families from multiple angles, I  think that someday, perhaps our grand daughter will be curious, might want to know.  The ties are not all that wonderful, some things and connections are not ones we would choose, it is not all pretty, but neither is life and  perhaps another generation or so removed... who knows.  What really is interesting about this photo besides Florence's melt down, she had never had a big surprise party in 80 years, is that Jerry is sporting what  he often grew on his face in winter in CA, his beard like facial hair.  I never did like that and was always glad when he shaved it off.  

1997 January Florence with Janine helping 

  Janine was there at the party and finally happy when she was able to lend her hands to helping her great grandma open presents.  But she will not remember that, still there is a photo.  I think that was in the last batch that I sent her.  She did express that she really enjoyed those photos and was inexplicably emotional over the old photos, of course those were primarily only of her and her parents.  I find that positive.  The emotion is important. Often there are sayings making genealogy rounds that we pay no attention until it is too late.  I know for me, I sure wish I had someone to ask about family things, but I am the last link. Maybe this will ignite in her a desire to know, there is an awful lot of Jerry's saga that neither of his children know.  I suppose they do not care.  But someday it will be too late.  

Marian Herndon Dianne's daughter, Al, Angel, Katie Larson

This photo which I am also sending to Janine has of course her parents, DIL, Angel staring adoringly at husband Al.  But for Janine, I want to plant the seed,  here are other relatives, so far everything has been your mother's side or your father's in SF.  There is more,  Marian, Dianne's daughter would be Janine's cousin, they would have met in Riverside at Florence's burial.  Katie is Janine's aunt, Rod';s wife.  Many years back when Janine visited us here alone they were here too.  They too were at Florence's burial.  So life holds more than the closed circle they have experienced.  I suppose as Jerry said,  what can we expect, Allen's mother raised him with nothing good to say about Jerry, she was and is a despicable person.  It is a wonder Al finally found out for himself.  Yet all the rest, well water under the bridge.  And old photos exist.  

Another friend and I were discussing how this type  of information will soon cease to exist.  Today all photos, mine included are by smart phone, I never make prints.  I do not want them.  What to do with what I have?  Yet, years along, how will people look back and remember, will they, will it matter or is all water under the bridge the way it will be. 

  

Seriously cassette tapes

An old collection cassette tapes

Found a box filled with Christmas cassette tapes in the Christmas closet.  Have not played such things in years, and actually  very rarely play CD's.  Today the music I play is by Alexa who has the wealth and breadth online, somewhere out there, in the cloud.  I shared this on FB and one of my friends wrote about our chronolgy of sounds, how we progressed just in our life times from 45''s, and I still remember the thrill of having my very own little cd record player, it resembled a small suitcase and I could play my Elvis records anywhere that I could plug in.  Now the box of these tapes is a reminder of how audio  technology and home entertainment  has changed.  I have discovered, remembered that we could play these on an old cassette player, a vintage looking Crosley player that we purchased here several years ago to play our LP's.  Well so back onto the shelf went the box. 

 But later that same day I had talked to me enough, conversation with self went something like this:

??? When was the last time you played these?  
 Response Don't know but look there is a Statler Brothers tape, an Otmar Lieber tape, 
???  And though you were supposed to be clearing out junl?
 Response from my heart  But really cannot be junk, so enjoyed these for so many years
???  And repeat when was the last time
 Response  OK well probably in CA because I have an extensive collection of CD's too.
???  And there is something else, you never play CD's either.  Geet a grip it is not like this closet is still not brimming with things.  Someday you will croak and imagine these will go immediately into the trash, so better do it now.  At least save someone from one head shaking moment when they toss and comment, "what the hell was she thinking saving this crap?"  

So I carted the box out, put it upstairs and it will go to either Goodwill or the church rummage sale.  And there someone else can make the decision without agonizing, toss or sell?  By the way not one response on FB to say, "hey send them to me...."  of course not, who plays cassettes?  No one.

Now back to maybe clearing out more stuff, sure there is plenty of room in that storage closet, but get a grip, get rid of it.   

Our downstairs Christmas/Easter/ etc storage closet

2020 New Year has begun

Brocade Carolers

Brocade Santa

As I take down and store away the nativities, angels, last of the Christmas decor I look in amazement at all the boxes and shelves full of stuff, I ponder, can this go, the tall carolers under lamppost that I just stuck beside the ironing board this year.  Bought them here at a craft show maybe 10 years ago,dressed in  golden brocade, they are lovely, so they return  back to the corner of the Christmas storage closet. I wonder if I ever again will feel the spirit and really  be thrilled to decorate.  This year, I plodded, feeling amiss,  but knowing well if I did not decorate I would feel worse than a Scrooge, a Grinch in my own skin.  Yet when there is no one who comes by to see anything, why bother, yes I know I do it for us, for me, trying to recapture my spirit.    

Our tree 2019

Somewhat better here, with Jerry, the redosing with prednisone and or the saline nebulizer treatments have helped, most of his coughing  has lessened especially the raucous bouts and he sleeps through the night without awakening to cough.   He has more energy and even decided to come downstairs on New Years Eve to the TV/man cave room.  Although that meant he needed to use a big tank of oxygen returning up the stairs, at least he did it.  And  after I took the tree down, he even ran the vacuum cleaner.  More alive and not sleeping all afternoon.  Dare we hope he has turned another corner?  Still his breathing is difficult and he is on higher level of oxygen than he wants.  His goal is to decrease the prednisone to 5 daily and then off again and see what happens.  

This below is making the facebook rounds of encouragement,  I am not so sure, I have heard all my life that we need sunshine and rain, bad to appreciate the good, etc, but it seems to me that after a lifetime we could enjoy more smiles and less winsomeness

. And now I must return to my task today before I waste all the time sitting here at computer.  

Close Out 2019, Whenn the terrible things grow pale.

December 27, 2019,
 me and my shadow

The other day was balmy, 50 degrees, the sun was shining,  so I went out with my shadow for a walk around the backside of the property, the hill side, to pick up and toss farther down hill any limbs, branches, cluttering the yard.  It was to appreciate that sun shine because gloomy days will return again and they really do get to me this time of year.  I am now glad we have passed solstice and days grow a bit longer by seconds/minutes.  I have a Happy Light alongside the computer and wish I could have those lights throughout the house in all the ceiling fixtures.  

Garage/shop/Motor home house

Another year over and a new one to begin.  I wrote in a card to a friend earlier, "where does time go when it passes on by so quickly?"  I am not all that sorry to see 2019 depart, it has not been the best of years, but then again, neither has it been the worst. We were unable to travel anywhere and not once to use our motor home.  It sits in its house, the garage below.  

Jerry in his smurf chair, downstairs TV room, June,
I  dubbed it the Smurf chair because it is small compared
to the overstuffed ones of today.  But this was his favorite LazyBoy recliner
 which we moved from CA.  And this year had it recovered finally.

So many ups and downs with Jerry's health and recovery from surgery 11/7/2018 ,.re hospitalizations in March and April and then treatments through Mayo Rochester, MN  all through the summer.  That did restore his stamina and energy.  Now at year end, he is having a relapse or perhaps turning yet another corner.  So we shall see, is it the lung fibrosis worsening, because he needs his supplemental oxygen 24/7, coughs, a dry unproductive but debilitating cough and lacks enthusiasm, energy.  A trip to our PCP Christmas Eve Day resulted in  a blood test for his Cortisol levels, perhaps the long term usage of prednisone then graduated doses to be off it fully made his adrenal glands lazy and  not making sufficient cortisol. The test came back within normal ranges but at the low end of the spectrum.  He has been trying to be off all the drugs, the steroids,  the antibiotics so restoring a  maintenance dose was not the news he wanted.  Yet it seems to help.  Except for his cough.  In November periodic coughing and shortness of breath started; it , comes and goes for no identifiable reason, although the last few weeks it is ever constant.  It has been a month now since he has done his routine home exercises on the treadmill, so he weakens.  Heck he has not even walked downstairs to the tv rec room in weeks now, because he is too exhausted to go back up the  stairs to our main floor. This photo shows him relaxing as  always used to most evening, downstairs, tv rec room. Another memory now.  My life as care taker and the one who does all things here is very weary making.  I wish there were people around to come by, to talk with, but not so.  This sure is not the retirement  life we planned but here we are. Savor  what's left.

Winter view December 26 from out back hillside

So stuck at home I have tried to accomplish some things, like sorting out and tossing old photos.  So many amassed over years, but it is a very slow process, I get distracted, scan some and then give up.  I have dumped lots, those from PA from my relatives.  Even old black and whites, I do not know the people and no longer intend to make nice albums with notes about each family, etc.  Oh another plan I had, grand intentions,  but no execution into operation, that's me.  Here and there I find some photos that I send along to distant relatives,  children of deceased cousins, etc.  Some to our grand daughter, some to sister-in-law,  but really no one to give most to, so I just toss.  After all one day when I am gone that is what will happen anyway.  So much for lifetime collections.  

In clearing off the upstairs desk the other day I found this article from June 2014, published in the local news, written by a young man who used to live here and was a  thoughtful reporter.  The kind of thinking that could generate discussions.  Discussions that is what I miss terribly, there is no one with whom I really have good discussions anymore.  It is something I relish, but since my best friends have also passed on there is no one to replace the talks, Sandy in CA a  couple years ago and last year Carlie in PA. Although we could not see each other in person, we had our phones.  I never realized how important those connections were until they were gone.  That brings me to this article, "When the terrible things grow pale"   a line from "Our Town", a play by Thornton Wilder, 1937-38 and one which I enjoy having been in it back in high school.  It seems a way to close out the year, why do we not appreciate what we have when we have it, for it will be gone and then it is too late.  If I have any New Years resolution it is to "Enjoy the moment, whatever it is, for it too shall pass."   

It is painful but I tossed it

Box of sorted card fronts

I continue trying to purge, clutter and accumulations.  This is a painful activity for me but beyond necessary.   After all I realize I will never do anything with these card fronts despite carefully sorting them into categories.  Who am I kidding, just me.  So off into the recycle trash bin they went this morning, years of card fronts, beauties some of these,  Yet?   Who cares?

My list and tabs

Nowadays we receive far fewer Christmas cards, the tradition of annual communication and catch up, well wishes has been replaced by instant Facebook.  The old timers have died,  even contemporaries have died.  Recently a friend who sent her annual card with her note of summary for 2019 posted a humbug when I said I am not sending Christmas cards this year.  Yet her news was all stuff we all know from FB.  Those who seldom communicate with us are few.

Card kept cards tossed

 After all,  stamps are 55 cents, and people are all on Facebook except for a few my last luving aunt, widow of my late Uncle Henry in CA.   I will send a card to her and to a few cousins mostly to let everyone know we are still alive here in the MN arctic and to wish a Merry Christmas.   Funny in past years when we did not receive a card, we wondered what might have happened?  Today as I mentioned we are in touch, mostly instantly.  Last year a cousin's card returned as undeliverable, tried to call but the phone # we had was disconnected, no word from any of their adult children scattered around the country.  Would have thought if something happened to one of them the other would let us know, but nothing.  Both were older, aren't we all?  Both were not real well, yet?   Tried to reach their youngest son who lived in same area of TX but no luck.  So we presume they are dead?

Our tree 2019 with vintage ornaments

Over years, I did enjoy writing about our travels, our year and sending cards, , now it feels like a drudge, so I give up.  I have some placemats made in .CA from old cards, laminated carefully and mounted on cardstock placemat size.  I considered making more from these cards but again my ideas exceed my executions.  And even if I did waste my time and money doing so what would I do with them?  I no longer know people who would enjoy, use or cherish them,  So out they go,  yes it troubles me but yet I must get a grip & be realistic.  Life is not what I imagined it would be, these days I remain amused at what I thought.  It is not so.  Lately I lament lack of hope, then kick myself with a reminder, life still holds hope always, all  ways and how dare I feel pathetically sorry for myself, reflect on blessings stand on faith and accept.  Enough...