Close Out 2019, Whenn the terrible things grow pale.

December 27, 2019,
 me and my shadow

The other day was balmy, 50 degrees, the sun was shining,  so I went out with my shadow for a walk around the backside of the property, the hill side, to pick up and toss farther down hill any limbs, branches, cluttering the yard.  It was to appreciate that sun shine because gloomy days will return again and they really do get to me this time of year.  I am now glad we have passed solstice and days grow a bit longer by seconds/minutes.  I have a Happy Light alongside the computer and wish I could have those lights throughout the house in all the ceiling fixtures.  

Garage/shop/Motor home house

Another year over and a new one to begin.  I wrote in a card to a friend earlier, "where does time go when it passes on by so quickly?"  I am not all that sorry to see 2019 depart, it has not been the best of years, but then again, neither has it been the worst. We were unable to travel anywhere and not once to use our motor home.  It sits in its house, the garage below.  

Jerry in his smurf chair, downstairs TV room, June,
I  dubbed it the Smurf chair because it is small compared
to the overstuffed ones of today.  But this was his favorite LazyBoy recliner
 which we moved from CA.  And this year had it recovered finally.

So many ups and downs with Jerry's health and recovery from surgery 11/7/2018 ,.re hospitalizations in March and April and then treatments through Mayo Rochester, MN  all through the summer.  That did restore his stamina and energy.  Now at year end, he is having a relapse or perhaps turning yet another corner.  So we shall see, is it the lung fibrosis worsening, because he needs his supplemental oxygen 24/7, coughs, a dry unproductive but debilitating cough and lacks enthusiasm, energy.  A trip to our PCP Christmas Eve Day resulted in  a blood test for his Cortisol levels, perhaps the long term usage of prednisone then graduated doses to be off it fully made his adrenal glands lazy and  not making sufficient cortisol. The test came back within normal ranges but at the low end of the spectrum.  He has been trying to be off all the drugs, the steroids,  the antibiotics so restoring a  maintenance dose was not the news he wanted.  Yet it seems to help.  Except for his cough.  In November periodic coughing and shortness of breath started; it , comes and goes for no identifiable reason, although the last few weeks it is ever constant.  It has been a month now since he has done his routine home exercises on the treadmill, so he weakens.  Heck he has not even walked downstairs to the tv rec room in weeks now, because he is too exhausted to go back up the  stairs to our main floor. This photo shows him relaxing as  always used to most evening, downstairs, tv rec room. Another memory now.  My life as care taker and the one who does all things here is very weary making.  I wish there were people around to come by, to talk with, but not so.  This sure is not the retirement  life we planned but here we are. Savor  what's left.

Winter view December 26 from out back hillside

So stuck at home I have tried to accomplish some things, like sorting out and tossing old photos.  So many amassed over years, but it is a very slow process, I get distracted, scan some and then give up.  I have dumped lots, those from PA from my relatives.  Even old black and whites, I do not know the people and no longer intend to make nice albums with notes about each family, etc.  Oh another plan I had, grand intentions,  but no execution into operation, that's me.  Here and there I find some photos that I send along to distant relatives,  children of deceased cousins, etc.  Some to our grand daughter, some to sister-in-law,  but really no one to give most to, so I just toss.  After all one day when I am gone that is what will happen anyway.  So much for lifetime collections.  

In clearing off the upstairs desk the other day I found this article from June 2014, published in the local news, written by a young man who used to live here and was a  thoughtful reporter.  The kind of thinking that could generate discussions.  Discussions that is what I miss terribly, there is no one with whom I really have good discussions anymore.  It is something I relish, but since my best friends have also passed on there is no one to replace the talks, Sandy in CA a  couple years ago and last year Carlie in PA. Although we could not see each other in person, we had our phones.  I never realized how important those connections were until they were gone.  That brings me to this article, "When the terrible things grow pale"   a line from "Our Town", a play by Thornton Wilder, 1937-38 and one which I enjoy having been in it back in high school.  It seems a way to close out the year, why do we not appreciate what we have when we have it, for it will be gone and then it is too late.  If I have any New Years resolution it is to "Enjoy the moment, whatever it is, for it too shall pass."   

2013 ends and a New Year begins

New Year  Edgar Guest

2013 has been an overall good year to us, and yet we look back and wonder, where did that year go.  Our health is good, we are aging well and are comfortable financially.  Jerry was dismissed by the pulmonary specialist who had been monitoring a now three year mysterious spot on his lung detected by a doc-in-the-box in North Carolina on our travels when Jerry  got a severe cold bordering on pneumonia.  Despite the tests, scans and careful watching, it remains a mystery to Mayo but has not changed and definitely not cancer, always the fear; the MD speculates it may have been a life scar after Jerry's childhood pneumonia but we wonder why the Air Force never detected it his years on flying status.  Nevertheless, he was pleased to not have any further follow ups.  

I have triumphed over a potential health challenge by getting onto the right track and restoring my heretofore good health.  As I wrote on this blog, in July at my annual, the doc cautioned me that my fasting blood glucose levels were rising and  I was carrying around some extra weight from travels over winter and that spring.  I enrolled in the YMCA's Diabetes Prevention Program and began to monitor and limit  my daily fat gram intake to 33 grams, while writing down everything I eat and drink in a daily journal, and added more physical activity every single day so have achieved success.  I've shed 28 pounds just since September and learned that the healthy way I thought I was eating was not so healthy for me. The calculations were that I lose 15 pounds but I have been known as an over achiever often and did so on the weight.   I have maintained the loss so far and not gained  over this feasting season of holidays, a first in years.  I am committed to maintenance. 

My doctor's follow up and retest in December left me a good to go from a very pleased MD who called me skinny and wished he could bottle my dedication for his patients who live in denial about their health conditions. I have met some new friends at the Y and learned a lot about nutrition, but the biggest revelation was that my daily consumption of  nuts and  cheese (which I love) was too much for me.  I still mourn my inability to consume all the cheese I'd like at one setting along with those delicious Wisconsin deep fried (melted) cheese curds, or my own gooey mac and cheese, any melted cheese is my weakness, but it's a small price to pay for good health.  I am better off than many who crave and eat sweets all the time or just over eat as a way of life.  I could continue with my daily wine or vodka consumption, no fat grams there, only calories which we really do not count daily, just consider. 

 I have actually enjoyed the weekly program meetings and although the scale will never be my "friend" at least I have accepted daily weigh ins, so much that we are purchasing another scale to take along in the motor coach on our travels. This from a woman who would avoid the scale every and anyway possible and monitor how her clothes felt.  Oh, more good news, Jerry suggested I do some shopping for  new clothes especially shorts for the skinnier me as we prepare to head south.  I have already purchased some skinny jeans and courds.  If I have any advice, it is accept and take action--lose the weight, live healthier, shed the tobacco....get out of the land of denial. Otherwise you pay the consequences  in the long run and are fooling only yourself.   Denial or the land of DABDA (denial, acceptance, bargaining, depression and acceptance)  is all consuming  and becomes familiarly comfortable for many. 

We had some travel adventures in 2013 and I learned that tours are not for me after our Alaskan adventure.  I have written about that on this blog all year and not much more to be said.

We will be home this New Years Eve and Day  as the doctor had one last assignment for me before we flee for the south and warmer climates, time for my 10 year follow up colonoscopy. Yuk, it is scheduled for 10:00 AM January 2 and the preparation remains worse than the procedure. So New Years Day while I take down the tree and pack away decorations, I will be fasting--clear liquids only all day preceding the early evening consumption of that dreaded, "Go Lightly" a misnomer if ever there was one. Why in this age of scans, lasers and high tech medicine must we endure this process?  Still, I anticipate  no issues and then will have another 10 years to go until the next one.  

We gained a great grandson this year in July but have only seen him through photos and Facebook, no idea when we will ever see him.  

Maxwell John Morrison 5 months

Maxwell John Morrison born to grandson Brian and wife Jackie appears to be happy and healthy and looks like his mom, especially in the face and chin.  They live in and are committed Californians, just like Brian's parents and tribe, they know no better having lived nowhere else just like that old saying, "mediocrity knows nothing above itself." We have no travel planned that direction. In fact for me, the longer I am away from California the happier I am. That part of my life was fun while it lasted but it is the past.  We thought we would always stay there but CA changed, became too crowded, hours long commutes, hours to wait in lines to eat out, hectic,crowds and crime, even in the northern part, just not how we want to live, so here in the Midwest, despite frigid arctic winter this year, we enjoy a high quality of life.  We can afford to keep our home warm and our house is built well for four seasons.  Where else do folks leave their cars running outside when they run into the grocery stores and the cars are still then when they come back out?  Where else can UPS deliveries sit on a doorstep for weeks and not be stolen when the folks are gone for  months?  That really happened here with our next door neighbors who were in Arizona, we thought their son would set them into the house but he never did the few times he came by their home to check on things. We had no way to contact him and considered picking up the package but watched instead.  

Some souls departed this earth this year beginning in April with Jerry's 96 year old mother who died a rough death as I blogged here.  December was a triple hit with a long time 98 year old father of a California friend, Carol--another friend suddenly without warning in California, and a contemporary a Pennsylvania classmate, Bev, who suffered ill health ravages for years.  May they all rest in peace.  

We are planning our January departure south, Florida and the Alabama gulf coast call; perhaps a reunion in Mississippi at the Bay St. Louis RV park where we spent last year.  Jerry is watching the roads and weather conditions because the mid part of the country seems to be experiencing far worse weather than here where we have only frigid cold, colder than any winter so far.  Sub zero temperatures a few times like last night.  Snow has been minimal and we are shielded from ice by the river bluffs.   

A Happy New Year ahead to one and all.  If I have any resolution it is to decrease my Facebook time and blog more.   Lord Alfred Tennyson sums it in his well known poem,  "In Memoriam"                                Ring out the old, ring in the new,
                         Ring happy bells across the snow:
                         The year is going, let him go;
                          Ring out the false, ring in the true.