Close Out 2019, Whenn the terrible things grow pale.

December 27, 2019,
 me and my shadow

The other day was balmy, 50 degrees, the sun was shining,  so I went out with my shadow for a walk around the backside of the property, the hill side, to pick up and toss farther down hill any limbs, branches, cluttering the yard.  It was to appreciate that sun shine because gloomy days will return again and they really do get to me this time of year.  I am now glad we have passed solstice and days grow a bit longer by seconds/minutes.  I have a Happy Light alongside the computer and wish I could have those lights throughout the house in all the ceiling fixtures.  

Garage/shop/Motor home house

Another year over and a new one to begin.  I wrote in a card to a friend earlier, "where does time go when it passes on by so quickly?"  I am not all that sorry to see 2019 depart, it has not been the best of years, but then again, neither has it been the worst. We were unable to travel anywhere and not once to use our motor home.  It sits in its house, the garage below.  

Jerry in his smurf chair, downstairs TV room, June,
I  dubbed it the Smurf chair because it is small compared
to the overstuffed ones of today.  But this was his favorite LazyBoy recliner
 which we moved from CA.  And this year had it recovered finally.

So many ups and downs with Jerry's health and recovery from surgery 11/7/2018 ,.re hospitalizations in March and April and then treatments through Mayo Rochester, MN  all through the summer.  That did restore his stamina and energy.  Now at year end, he is having a relapse or perhaps turning yet another corner.  So we shall see, is it the lung fibrosis worsening, because he needs his supplemental oxygen 24/7, coughs, a dry unproductive but debilitating cough and lacks enthusiasm, energy.  A trip to our PCP Christmas Eve Day resulted in  a blood test for his Cortisol levels, perhaps the long term usage of prednisone then graduated doses to be off it fully made his adrenal glands lazy and  not making sufficient cortisol. The test came back within normal ranges but at the low end of the spectrum.  He has been trying to be off all the drugs, the steroids,  the antibiotics so restoring a  maintenance dose was not the news he wanted.  Yet it seems to help.  Except for his cough.  In November periodic coughing and shortness of breath started; it , comes and goes for no identifiable reason, although the last few weeks it is ever constant.  It has been a month now since he has done his routine home exercises on the treadmill, so he weakens.  Heck he has not even walked downstairs to the tv rec room in weeks now, because he is too exhausted to go back up the  stairs to our main floor. This photo shows him relaxing as  always used to most evening, downstairs, tv rec room. Another memory now.  My life as care taker and the one who does all things here is very weary making.  I wish there were people around to come by, to talk with, but not so.  This sure is not the retirement  life we planned but here we are. Savor  what's left.

Winter view December 26 from out back hillside

So stuck at home I have tried to accomplish some things, like sorting out and tossing old photos.  So many amassed over years, but it is a very slow process, I get distracted, scan some and then give up.  I have dumped lots, those from PA from my relatives.  Even old black and whites, I do not know the people and no longer intend to make nice albums with notes about each family, etc.  Oh another plan I had, grand intentions,  but no execution into operation, that's me.  Here and there I find some photos that I send along to distant relatives,  children of deceased cousins, etc.  Some to our grand daughter, some to sister-in-law,  but really no one to give most to, so I just toss.  After all one day when I am gone that is what will happen anyway.  So much for lifetime collections.  

In clearing off the upstairs desk the other day I found this article from June 2014, published in the local news, written by a young man who used to live here and was a  thoughtful reporter.  The kind of thinking that could generate discussions.  Discussions that is what I miss terribly, there is no one with whom I really have good discussions anymore.  It is something I relish, but since my best friends have also passed on there is no one to replace the talks, Sandy in CA a  couple years ago and last year Carlie in PA. Although we could not see each other in person, we had our phones.  I never realized how important those connections were until they were gone.  That brings me to this article, "When the terrible things grow pale"   a line from "Our Town", a play by Thornton Wilder, 1937-38 and one which I enjoy having been in it back in high school.  It seems a way to close out the year, why do we not appreciate what we have when we have it, for it will be gone and then it is too late.  If I have any New Years resolution it is to "Enjoy the moment, whatever it is, for it too shall pass."   

It is painful but I tossed it

Box of sorted card fronts

I continue trying to purge, clutter and accumulations.  This is a painful activity for me but beyond necessary.   After all I realize I will never do anything with these card fronts despite carefully sorting them into categories.  Who am I kidding, just me.  So off into the recycle trash bin they went this morning, years of card fronts, beauties some of these,  Yet?   Who cares?

My list and tabs

Nowadays we receive far fewer Christmas cards, the tradition of annual communication and catch up, well wishes has been replaced by instant Facebook.  The old timers have died,  even contemporaries have died.  Recently a friend who sent her annual card with her note of summary for 2019 posted a humbug when I said I am not sending Christmas cards this year.  Yet her news was all stuff we all know from FB.  Those who seldom communicate with us are few.

Card kept cards tossed

 After all,  stamps are 55 cents, and people are all on Facebook except for a few my last luving aunt, widow of my late Uncle Henry in CA.   I will send a card to her and to a few cousins mostly to let everyone know we are still alive here in the MN arctic and to wish a Merry Christmas.   Funny in past years when we did not receive a card, we wondered what might have happened?  Today as I mentioned we are in touch, mostly instantly.  Last year a cousin's card returned as undeliverable, tried to call but the phone # we had was disconnected, no word from any of their adult children scattered around the country.  Would have thought if something happened to one of them the other would let us know, but nothing.  Both were older, aren't we all?  Both were not real well, yet?   Tried to reach their youngest son who lived in same area of TX but no luck.  So we presume they are dead?

Our tree 2019 with vintage ornaments

Over years, I did enjoy writing about our travels, our year and sending cards, , now it feels like a drudge, so I give up.  I have some placemats made in .CA from old cards, laminated carefully and mounted on cardstock placemat size.  I considered making more from these cards but again my ideas exceed my executions.  And even if I did waste my time and money doing so what would I do with them?  I no longer know people who would enjoy, use or cherish them,  So out they go,  yes it troubles me but yet I must get a grip & be realistic.  Life is not what I imagined it would be, these days I remain amused at what I thought.  It is not so.  Lately I lament lack of hope, then kick myself with a reminder, life still holds hope always, all  ways and how dare I feel pathetically sorry for myself, reflect on blessings stand on faith and accept.  Enough...