Snow and a cold week ahead means time inside

down the front driveway

Another day and more snow, but at least our plow guy was at work and cleared us.  The weather changes my plans and I will be staying put inside another day.  I had planned to go to Sam's today but pass now.  Roads will be clear but I dislike being out there in this when there is no need. 

This will be my 2nd day stuck inside, confined to quarters and I am not pleased because the week ahead looks similar.   Yesterday I was  more philosophical, "at least we are warm and comfy"  and I spent an afternoon watching a Netflix, movie, The Two Popes" starring Anthony Hopkins as Pope Benedict and Jonathan Pryce who portrays Pope Francis when he was Cardinal Gorgoglio.   I had read reviews that the movie portrayed Benedict negatively so I was prepared for that but was quite pleased that I did not detect any traces of that.  In fact I enjoyed the move, here on our big screen on my own schedule and will watch it again. 

Our big screen surround sound, my home comfort

I shared my thoughts on FB, "  decent portrayal of the magnificence, the pageantry, news clips are well blended, and the negative reaction of some toward Ratzinger Pope Benedict, from the beginning are not couched. Anthony Hopkins portrayal is outstanding, as I expected...a line I found comical, from Benedict, "it was easier when everyone spoke Latin" , another between Pope and cardinal, "no, no, no let us sit and be quiet, I know you like to talk but I' m exhausted."   

Although there is a lot to yet watch on Netflix or Amazon I decided to do more clearing out today, making the best of a bad situation, I have cleaned out another shelf stack of papers and old clippings, articles, things I have accumulated, things I think will be interesting later on, and  well, just things.  So today most of those went into the waste paper to be placed out with the recycle bin tomorrow, pick up day.  
I will have to cure myself of clipping and saving for later, for what?  I have managed to almost completely stop doing that with recipes, which I have organized into binders, categorized, but  seldom refer to any.  Instead I  have a couple go to favorite cookbooks and my own favorites that I prepare.  So having overcome that habit surely in 2020 I can quit clipping and acquiring other clutter.  

However just this week a friend shared on FB the best post I have read about grief for a long time.  I share it here and will not be printing it and saving it on my shelf for later.  Fresh progress for me.  So  here it is, the source  is 2015 so it has been around for some time, Gary Snow published it originally and it was on a website known as Reddit or something like that, but if one googles, it is out there all over, many have shared on their blogs and posts.  It is purportedly written by an old man in response to a young woman who is grieving the loss of her friend and she does not  know how to handle her grief.  Having lost all 3 of my oldest closest friends and our only son, all our old relatives, I  certainly relate to his wisdom"  

              Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Then again, I had clipped this, "Albert Einstein said that only 2 things are infinite the universe and human stupidity and I am not sure about the former"  With that, back to clutter clearing time here on another snow day.  How I wish we were down south in our motor coach.....living the life we planned.

            .