She Is Me

 

My cousin sent me this and the more I see it the more I know this is me. I have gotten through, I did not know there was a choice.  One cannot just lay down nor wallow, nor give up.  Humans are not like a flower done blooming that can wilt away although I sure have wished I could at times.  

Overall I am doing quite well since Jerry passed in December, medically the stress of all this has not harmed me, my doctors are pleased.  My annual cardiologist check up went very well,  Those are good, I am somehow working it through.  But the last couple days, for no particular reason, I seem to backslide.  I have read/heard that grief is like that, just about the time you think you are in smooth waters, smooth easier sailing, watch out here comes a wave.  Strange feelings, for me as I am noticing this aloneness.  When I come in from outside weeding and trimming, there is no one to say, "ok, you have done enough for one day, done now.."  so I have to tell that to myself.    I think about my friends who were single and who lived alone, the closest are gone now too.  But they managed OK.  How did they do that?  Was it because that was ll they knew.  They had nothing to get really used to.  One lived with her aging parents and after they passed she stayed in the family home and continued on with life.

Maybe if you are not used to someone else being part of life, considering and  making decisions, companionship, comfort, love and 53 + years together being solitary does not seem different.  But for me it's major.  I miss him at pre dinner cocktail time when he'd have a beer and I'd pour a glass of wine.  Yes, I still pour myself that wine.  But no one is here to ask, "what's on the menu?" or, "let's go to Schmitty's and eat.."   No one is here to eat with.  I still cook, I always will.  I prefer my own food, I am just like my late aunt, "eat at home you know what you have then".  It is a challenge to purchase and cook portions to single, other than a chop, burger or small steak, so I adjust to having left overs.  Some I do not mind, left over salmon, chicken, even steak, cut or  diced into a salad make a good meal for me, especially on these hot days we have endured since June.   But this post is not about how I am cooking...it's about noticing how alone solitary life is.  

My cousin, the retired Monsignor who lives alone now in PA in his family home tells me that he is by himself and I will adjust. I suppose I have to,  there is no choice.  I am not the  one to start going out for fast food or  eating out alone just to sit alone in a restaurant.  

When I am overly busy with chores, errands or when I was so preoccupied selling the coach and pick up I didn't get this wistful.  So the grief wave right now will pass, I tell myself, It came to pass not to stay.  Doesn't mean I have to like it.  Just tolerate and accept..

An unwelcome discovery

  This very vintage steel, 4 drawer file cabinet in the garage belonged to Jerry's mom, who died in 2013 after a slow declining aging, ending last couple years in a facility, She saved everything and it was crammed full with bank statements, tax returns, all in original envelopes, receipts, etc going back to the 1950's. Some papers disintegrating. I kept mentioning to Jerry for years after it took up space here that he should clear it out. He apparently got tired of shredding & forgot about it.

So this week, I thought I'd tidy some garage shelves and store some things in it. Crap, When I opened it the drawers still were still over half full! So I shredded and tore several bags full, but got weary myself, needed this like a wart! I am down to 2 drawers still half full and taking a break.... tempted to just pitch whole contents but there are social security #'s, etc and although both she & father-in-law are dead, figure better shred,. There was a huge box of all the cards etc she'd received for her 90th birthday, & others. I did just dump that into recycle whole.

It amazes me, she dragged this thing from southern CA to northern CA when she moved to be near us when she became a widow, back in 80's, then it was moved cross country when we moved back to MN. Sigh and all now useless junk, clutter and more for me to do. I never run out of things to do! But I still have my own mess downstairs to clear!

Getting along but it sucks

2017 FL  Jerry found the
castle he wanted

 What another week but through my prayers , angels and my Tribe Beyond  I made it.   What I can say is this business of widowhood sucks,  just plain sucks.    I do not like it yet it is, I can do no more than what I do.  I am still in the lousy process of selling our dream castle on wheels, our motor coach, a lifetime to achieve that luxury level and then crap!  Never got to enjoy it.  It was Jerry's pride and joy.  It was to be our winter home as we'd snowbird.  So much was  to be, but then life twisted upside down, sideways  and inside out.  He is gone and here I am. It sucks. 

 I go along but I am so damn lonely.  I have lost more people than I know alive.  Some days I am just at home and never see or hear from anyone. I would like to have people pop in, stop by but that is not happening.  I have no one like that around here.  

3 to back up,  Jerry did alone

 This week I had to have Freon added to the front air conditioning system as I try to have it all nice for the  buyer. I am thankful for another local acquaintance who referred me to a very decent diesel service locally. It is tricky to pull into and out of its house, shop here, but Jerry did it himself always.  Well the techs did it too but they said "tricky".   Because the friend who drives it for me is off on their annual family vacation I needed someone to drive it there.  The shop was so gracious to me, they came to pick up and bring back, checked it all out and despite my worrying all was good.  The price was reasonable,  Surely a blessing.  The guys were very nice.  It had to be kept overnight  because they were busy, so that day until I heard that I stewed imagining the worst things wrong. 

 That is what I hate about the way I have become in widowhood,  I seem to always imagine the worst.  I was never that way before, I was always hopeful.  I used to be optimistic.  Will I never be that way again?  I hate being frantic, on edge, gloomy.  New me.is not me, awful.   

Coach has to fit  between rafters and
snugly into back bump out.  Tricky

I like the people who are buying it and I wish them the happiness with it that we looked so forward to and never got.  They are financing and the process has dragged on. I have had so much paperwork and I'm selling, sigh.   I will cry when this leaves yet I will be so thankful.  This has been a huge burden on me.  It will soon be over. It has been exhausting beyond what I could have ever imagined.  So much responsibility alone. 

 Through all this ups and downs and worries that all worked out I have missed Jerry more and more.  Being alone without anyone to talk things over or share hurts.  I am very disappointed in so called friends locally. I have no family. The  few who are afar do not care.   I know now people go on their own way,  they do not care about me and my trials, feelings.  They are on with their lives.  So I endure and with much prayer I get along.  But it sucks. 

 I laughed the other day ,thinking   if just  a few of the phony FB friend requests I get from men were real, I would be flattered,  in a more optimistic mood.  But I ignore all those, wisely,  nothing but trouble. Despite their claims to be widowers, and good looking, hah!   At least I am not that gullible,  and I am not looking for a man.  I only wish I had real friends who came by and or called.  I wish I had someone to talk to, to listen to me.  I miss Jerry. 

2017 into the shop he had it shining

Endurance in grief

 I really hate grief and there is not much in life I hate.  I am not comfortable with hate.  It is a bitter emotion and useless I have always thought.  But living with the grief of being a widow, I can truly say I hate.  I do not like it and all I can do is just go through, endure, because here I am.

Last night I took the refresher class for Defensive Driver for seniors, those over age 60.  This happens every two years and gets me 10% discount off my car insurance rate.   I usually learn or relearn something too.  It is a useful refresher but I wish it were not every 2 years and that the class did not take 3 hours.  e get out early if the people will not ask incessant silly questions of the instructor or feel the need to say what happened to them when.  But people seem compelled to have to comment.  Our instructor is a local friend, retired State  Highway  Cop and semi truck driver still.  He does his best to move things along.  He had explained answering a question about why bicyclists who are to obey the same road rules as vehicles are not cited for violations,  because judges do not want to be bothered.  How many police officers will waste their time writing tickets that a judge will toss?  No back up to enforcement gets no enforcement, pure and simple.  It was not 5 minutes later when another woman asked "why aren't bicyclists given tickets?"  Sheesh, lady pay attention he just went through it.  If these people can pay no more attention to driving than they do in class, no wonder they are considered risky.  

At the start of the class my grief smacked me between the eyes.  The instructor opens the class asking everyone to write the names of 5 people in their lives important to them.  I do not have 5, in fact I do not really have any now that Jerry is gone.  I stretched to come up with 2 names, and yet I know I am not that important to them.  I do not hear from anyone routinely, let alone so called family.  When Jerry and I last took this refresher class together, at least I had him and a late friend, she is now gone too.  Our son has been gone since 2008, I truly have no one.  The next step was to cross off 2 of the 5 names at random which signifies the number or percentage of those who will be killed by distracted or intoxicated/drugged drivers. The exercise has lost all meaning to me. 

A FB contact on the FB Grief Speaks Out site shared this poem with me::::: 

FRIENDS DON'T COME BY

 

Friends don't come by too often,

ever since you went away.

I think they feel uncomfortable

and just don't know what to say.

 

On the times they do stop by

they never stay too long,

"I really must get going"

is always their same old song.

 

I try to keep them talking

'bout news and other stuff,

I don't let them see me crying,

or tell them how things are so rough.

 

But deep inside I really wish

they would ask me how I'm doing,

and sit and listen as I cry

not tell me stop "boo hooing".

 

I wish they'd try to understand

this pain inside my heart,

for though I knew it could happen,

I wasn't ready for us to part.

 

But since they don't I'll just get by,

I'll stay busy and try to smile,

until the day God calls me home

and I walk my one last mile.

 

© Forrest Phelps-Cook

  

Getting along aloneness

Last nights dinner,oven roasted
salmon, fries and tomatoes,
Polish cucumber salad

Unlike others who are alone, I continue to cook meals for myself. Local restaurants in town are few and menus limited.  I have not wanted to venture out for a Friday night dinner alone anywhere truthfully.  I want to enjoy my glass or two of wine with my meal and find that better done at home.  

 The past couple weeks when our temps were unseasonably hot for us in June, 90', I ate mostly salads thrown together from whatever was in the refrigerator  or made a good sandwich out of turkey.  It would be easy to shrug, why bother, but I know I must continue to eat healthily to maintain myself.  Yet at dinner time I am most lonesome, eating alone, no one across the table, no one to even complain. Jerry did not often complain about foods but I was often on a salmon kick for Fridays and every so often he would ask, "can't we have anything but salmon?"  Sometimes I made shrimp. scampi too. And often we would go out to eat, but he often ordered the fish always fried too.

But good salmon at home, cannot be beat in my opinion. It is easy to fix and since I am particular and selective in what I buy, has to be fresh at the meat counter and if fresh flown in from Alaska is available, I pay the price,  so I always have great salmon. I discovered the brand, Grown in Idaho,  frozen French fries are just as good as any home fried with dinner and easy in the oven, they roast with the salmon. I have not fried French fries in so many years.  Now when I fix salmon I have left over for the next day or so.  I have now used up all the salmon in my freezer so when I purchase I can buy smaller portions and prevent so many left overs.   All my life I have not eaten meat on Fridays and although my Catholic faith changed that restriction to only during Lent, I have always stayed with meatless Fridays.  Last night I harvested fresh dill from my herb plant and made the cucumbers in sour cream, a Polish delicacy for me.  It is ogorki w/ smietanie or mizseria....in Polish.  I used up one large cucumber and  still have some of that for a snack.  I truly savored my fresh dill,  like the scent when picked.  I had it and a sprig of fresh rosemary for the salmon,  truly fragrant too.

Rhubarb patch, puny needed fertilizer

So I continue to do all my work inside and out and some days have overdone myself, like Wednesday when I hauled  sacks of manure down to the garden to replenish the rhubarb which was puny this year. I did not get enough to do anything with.  I recalled old late farmer friend always said to feed it manure, well it has been without for a couple years.  Although he recommended dousing it late fall to prepare it for winter, when I spotted the manure bags at our local hardware store I was inspired.  This was a monumental task and although they loaded the sacks for me I  had to get them out of the truck and to the garden.  My handy cart worked but I had to hoist the bags into and out of it, could have used help but having none, I tackled it. The heat was worse  than I expected because it was sporadically cloudy and not reaching those awful 90 degrees we'd endured for weeks.  Still our clean clear sky, unfiltered northern sun were hot and sweat drenched me from head to toe but I got it done.  Truthfully it got me overdone, exhausted and that evening I went to bed at 9:00, lights out. I had no one here to tell me, "ok that's enough for now"  but then if I had it would have been Jerry and he'd have carried the bags for me, helped, etc.  But again here I am. 

 The gardens/flowers  are looking great even if the grass and lawns are parched, but today we have rain and the lawns recover quickly.  I sure hope we have the worst of the heat behind us and our beautiful  summer weather returns.   

Apple Jack rose in front blooming
late this year

Grief musings

  I have not posted here for awhile, but we had Jerry's committal service May 7, as I had planned, on his 84th birthday. If such an event can be perfect it was.  Yet the full circumstances is another complete blog post.  This photo is the columbarium on Memorial Day, the second time that week I went to the cemetery.  Jerry's niche is the bottom row,   the third from the  right.  Since May 7, more vets have joined him and there were only 3 more niches left until  that entire section will be filled.  There is no choosing the site for the niche nor for the gravesite if that option is elected.  It is assigned,  an orderly system.   Someday when I am done with this earthly existence I will join him in the same niche and then they will get anew carved marble cover with my name added.  Memorial Day was very emotional for me, just about the time I thought I had been doing so well in this grief journey that I am taking alone, the crash came and the tears would not stay inside me.  I have learned that t is best to let them flow, a release.  

I went to the Preston Veterans Cemetery on Memorial Day to visit Jerry's niche. It was very busy and a very emotional time for me.   I was grateful for the local woman who saw me and came to ask if I was "ok?" I told her "I'm as OK as I ever will be, thank you." S he spent a bit of time with me and walked over to the niche where she had first spotted me sitting on the cement in front of it. I appreciated her kindness.  These days the comfort comes from strangers mostly.  

 Not one person called me that day let alone thought of going with me. Later that evening Jerry's son called the first time since the service, what we used to call his self obligatory calls.  Although he and DIL and grandson come for the service, they did not stay, flew in and back home,    were no help, no comfort. I can write them off now too. Truly I never expected much support from him but now I know for sure there will be none. He is into himself. Anything I  mention he diverts to his own goings on.  I tried to tell him about the military service and he did not listen.  He has no frame of reference never having served and knows little about his father's life.   So I have nothing to say. I will post more later about the service and how that day was a blur to me although I functioned well and no one noticed.  I got through it. What choice do I have. And that is my reality, I have no choice but to go on. 

 And that is my reality, I have no choice but to go on.  “It’s kind of a dorky statement, but it is true that grief rearranges your address book. It’s amazing how many people drop out of your life in the wake of catastrophic loss. People who have been with you through thick and thin suddenly disappear, or turn dismissive, shaming, strange. Random strangers become your biggest, deepest source of comfort, if even only for a few moments.”  ― Megan Devine   

 Finding this to be true, people I thought were friends no longer know me.  They are going on about their lives. One particular friend now acts very bored the last few times I have tried to talk with her.  When I call her on the phone, she yawns or has to hang up to go  talk with her husband who has come home for lunch. My God, if's not like she doesn't see him every day all the time! I am feeling she cannot be bothered, so I will not try again, 3 strikes and out. I sometimes feel bitter and think, "just you wait...your turn will come..." but I quickly give that feeling up, it does nothing for me. I am living my new reality and my entire life has changed to something nearly unrecognizable.  

Our parish is hosting a new grief support group with another church facilitated by a nurse and a counselor.  It is to be a small group of 12 and meet weekly at the other church.  After learning it is not just for widows, and looking at the book they will use, I pass.  I can see no benefit to me from going into such a setting with mixed grievers. The book is so very elementary it would be like learning the alphabet again.  If is were just widows, I might consider, but this, nope.  The Mayo social worker or known as grief outreach worker called me and offered a widow group but they meet on zoom.  Nope to that too.  I am sick of zoom gatherings.  If it cannot be in real face to face time, nope.  I talked with her a short time and found myself annoyed at this young eager person who has not experienced this loss, yes she has lost a parent.  That is the natural order of life but not relevant to losing my best friend, my 53 year partner. I told her bluntly I have become somewhat of an expert on grief, not by choice.  But losing my only child, our son 12+ years ago and now Jerry,  I am using all the skills I have. Over years,  I have lost all 3 of my closest friends and of course all my elderly relatives.  

My life is not  going to ever be the same, no more coach trip, no more someone to take care of the house, no more hugs, just more and more of no more.  And unless I can be with a group with similar losses I am not interested.  I am not mentally ill and do not need a counselor.  I just would like company.  Sometimes just someone to eat with.  

Lately I am experiencing more down feelings, in waves, previously these had been infrequent, episodic.  So alone yet the reality is I am alone and will be. Some days the only contact I have with other people is a phone call, online--thru FB, or if I go to the store. I have often heard that people desert you in grief and I never concerned myself with it. Hah,  it wouldn't happen to me, not as active as I am.  I thought  the workout friends would endure, they did not.  I did my best with my mother in law who was a widow, not an easy person to be with but who depended on us. I used to talk with her, ask her things, have her here for meals so she would not be alone. My late aunt in PA was another widow, runs in my family, and I called her every week as well as traveling to PA to visit her.  Here, nobody to do that for me.  I think if I dropped dead in this house who would know and how long would I be here. 

I get most support, understanding and wisdom from the FB group, Grief Speaks Out.  Many of the quotes I shared here come from that site where people from all over share their grief experiences.  

It has been very hot unseasonably for us, for June, extreme 90's and 100 degrees, no rain, hot.  So I try to get my outside chores done by noon and even then I am drenched in sweat, and make periodic trips inside to drink water and cool off.  Miserable.  So not getting my daily walks this week.  I had been doing that early morning but that time I need for outdoor weeding, watering, etc, so my walks are off schedule for now.  After dinner time or later  afternoons, it is not at all possible.  The heat is strong.  This is as bad as winter when it is subzero and I stay inside.  Even the weather is not cooperative. 

Well here I am again,  just me and my shadow.....

Everything has a back story

My trusty Kenmore Jerry bought for
me in 1968, my birthday present,

 Posted on FB (see excerpt below) about my sewing machines and got to thinking about all the stories of my life that are attached to almost everything I have.  I like to share these on FB because I get a lot of feedback ad comments from friends all over the country.  Sometimes it really stirs up memories for some people.  And sometimes it is amazing how alike so many of my friends from PA days and I remain with skills like sewing.   Now I have no one to share those stories with...so this blog has to do.  

The other day I bought a new pair of khaki denim jeans at the Rootin'Crown Botique in LaCrosse,  for only $6.  Brand new, designers, original tags still on.  At that price, I grabbed a pair, besides they are petite sized 4 and fit, except too long, would have to be hemmed.  I can do that easily but was feeling lazy and thinking I could help support another local business by taking them to the Dry cleaners that does alterations.  It wouldn't cost too much so I decided to do that.  All the while my inside voice kept hounding me that  I was wasting money, I could do this myself readily, I have hemmed hundreds of jeans, slacks, etc...But when I tried to take them to the place the snarky slobby clerk announced that they were not "doing any alterations now"  WTH?   So I left immediately, brought my jeans home and took them down stairs to hem,  And my inside voice rejoiced!  So I trimmed, pressed and hemmed my new jeans at home in about 30 minutes altogether on my trusty very old Kenmore Sewing machine. 

My downstairs sewing closet

 

From my FB page: "Just hemmed a pair of bargain jeans on my old trusty Kenmore sewing machine that Jerry bought for my birthday in 1968. When we moved from CA I as going to pitch it but my late friend Sandy who was a quilter & sewer told me to keep it,that it as very well made, no plastic parts and mechanically good. So it came along and we found an old cabinet at an estate sale for it. Had it serviced/tuned up years ago here by a local gentleman who repaired/adjusted sewing machines. He and his wife who was a seamstress both told me if I ever didn't want it to call them, that it was an outstanding machine one of the best Kenmore made.... So I kept it & never did buy a new fancier digital one. It has sewed everything over the years and latest masks...has been my go to sewing machine..one of 3 I have. My late aunt gave me a portable Montgomery Wards when we first bought this home because she said "you cannot be without a sewing machine. " That was as essential to her as a stove but she kept her old time singer and used it forever too. I bought a small cabinet for the portable but kept it's antique mini Gold Leaf machine inside it. That's my tale of 3 sewing machines. They do not make'em like that anymore. And then too many just toss and replace for newer, faster, etc "

Motgomery Wards portable sewing
machine

Back to Rootin'Crown, a different unique local  thrift store that specializes in being clean, displaying items nicely, not having junk or cheap stuff, and above all does not smell. It is staffed totally by volunteers from different organizations in the area.   Donors and purchasers can designate a local charity to receive part of the proceeds.  I just donate to my friend's parish because that is easy for me.  I had forgotten about the place but on the news one evening there was a brief story about them.  Wow!  Wished I had thought about them when I was do busily clearing out Jerry's clothes and boots.  So many of the better things I could have donated here but instead took nearly all to the Salvation Army,  ah well, at least they may be put to use by someone else. 

But the gist of this post was to keep my story going, to have it out here on blogland until who knows when.   It serves a purpose. 

It's easy

 First the good news, I have found a good, decent, reliable handyman to hire do things that I cannot.   That is a relief and although I am learning all the time there is still much that is beyond my capability,  so much that Jerry did always and I cannot.  Often I do not know where to begin but stumble along.  When I am successful I feel very proud of me.  When I am challenged it is frustrating.  

 Lately doors seem to be my challenge.  That old adage, "when one door closes another opens,,,,"  maybe, maybe not.  For me lately I have not found  doors opening so I am waiting.  Mostly it  seems that I stand behind that closed door looking out and wondering, watching, waiting.  

 Months ago  to keep busy during sub zero temps I was polishing all the wooden doors and trims inside the house, a huge effort that I have never done all alone before. 
And being short I had to use the 2Step Stool to reach the tops of the doors and trims.  Kept me busy.  Then I tackled the downstairs where I yanked and pulled a folding dual wooden door off track between the study and TV room.  It began to fold up and come down on me, bigger than me but I got it to the floor.  Trouble was I could not put it back up, Called a friend to the rescue who restored it and had to unbend the bracket I'd twisted.  He and his wife cautioned me that could have been really bad and I was lucky and please be careful.  I try to be,  And yes, what would I have done underneath, wedged into the folding door,on the floor, alone, here?  But  thankfully my tribe of angels guarded me once more.  

Last winter the two end boards at the corner of the deck came loose, the wood had deteriorated.  I patched it  by holding it together with zip ties and shoved it back, wedging it into place to hold through the winter.  It did that. Nothing else came loose and the lattice work 
stayed put too,  I imagined everything would begin to fall apart like a towering jenga stucture  where a balancing piece had been pulled loose, thankfully it turned out to be not so.  So early this year I checked and decided a dose of gorilla glue could work on that wood while I figured out how to get it fixed.  I need to keep it secured and the screen in place to thwart wild life critters, rabbits, squirrels, etc  from taking up residence underneath the deck.  So I couldn't have been happier when Bob , the handyman looked at it and said, "oh that is an easy fix, I'll stop by and get it in no time."  And he did.  It was easy for him.  He replaced the ends with sturdier boards, treated wood that I can paint later when it is warmer or not.  Easy.  

So the back door to the garage is warped and has seen better days. It is original to this house.  Jerry was going to replace it, "one of these days..." and well now here I am.  So I asked Bob who again said, " sure easy.."   He measured it, told me to get a right hand swing, new lock and to go over to Menards and look, pick out what I wanted but advised me to get steel insulated, Mastercraft brand.  In another month or so because he is booked busy for a few weeks.  Well I won't be doing this until after Jerry's committal service May 7 anyway, so that works for me.  

Out of curiosity I looked on line today at Menards and wow!  Who knew a door could be so complicated, sure the dimensions are easy but so many other things, options, so I will need another quick consult before deciding.  These things that are so easy for a man who knows what to do are as challenging as a door closing in my face to me.