Grief musings

  I have not posted here for awhile, but we had Jerry's committal service May 7, as I had planned, on his 84th birthday. If such an event can be perfect it was.  Yet the full circumstances is another complete blog post.  This photo is the columbarium on Memorial Day, the second time that week I went to the cemetery.  Jerry's niche is the bottom row,   the third from the  right.  Since May 7, more vets have joined him and there were only 3 more niches left until  that entire section will be filled.  There is no choosing the site for the niche nor for the gravesite if that option is elected.  It is assigned,  an orderly system.   Someday when I am done with this earthly existence I will join him in the same niche and then they will get anew carved marble cover with my name added.  Memorial Day was very emotional for me, just about the time I thought I had been doing so well in this grief journey that I am taking alone, the crash came and the tears would not stay inside me.  I have learned that t is best to let them flow, a release.  

I went to the Preston Veterans Cemetery on Memorial Day to visit Jerry's niche. It was very busy and a very emotional time for me.   I was grateful for the local woman who saw me and came to ask if I was "ok?" I told her "I'm as OK as I ever will be, thank you." S he spent a bit of time with me and walked over to the niche where she had first spotted me sitting on the cement in front of it. I appreciated her kindness.  These days the comfort comes from strangers mostly.  

 Not one person called me that day let alone thought of going with me. Later that evening Jerry's son called the first time since the service, what we used to call his self obligatory calls.  Although he and DIL and grandson come for the service, they did not stay, flew in and back home,    were no help, no comfort. I can write them off now too. Truly I never expected much support from him but now I know for sure there will be none. He is into himself. Anything I  mention he diverts to his own goings on.  I tried to tell him about the military service and he did not listen.  He has no frame of reference never having served and knows little about his father's life.   So I have nothing to say. I will post more later about the service and how that day was a blur to me although I functioned well and no one noticed.  I got through it. What choice do I have. And that is my reality, I have no choice but to go on. 

 And that is my reality, I have no choice but to go on.  “It’s kind of a dorky statement, but it is true that grief rearranges your address book. It’s amazing how many people drop out of your life in the wake of catastrophic loss. People who have been with you through thick and thin suddenly disappear, or turn dismissive, shaming, strange. Random strangers become your biggest, deepest source of comfort, if even only for a few moments.”  ― Megan Devine   

 Finding this to be true, people I thought were friends no longer know me.  They are going on about their lives. One particular friend now acts very bored the last few times I have tried to talk with her.  When I call her on the phone, she yawns or has to hang up to go  talk with her husband who has come home for lunch. My God, if's not like she doesn't see him every day all the time! I am feeling she cannot be bothered, so I will not try again, 3 strikes and out. I sometimes feel bitter and think, "just you wait...your turn will come..." but I quickly give that feeling up, it does nothing for me. I am living my new reality and my entire life has changed to something nearly unrecognizable.  

Our parish is hosting a new grief support group with another church facilitated by a nurse and a counselor.  It is to be a small group of 12 and meet weekly at the other church.  After learning it is not just for widows, and looking at the book they will use, I pass.  I can see no benefit to me from going into such a setting with mixed grievers. The book is so very elementary it would be like learning the alphabet again.  If is were just widows, I might consider, but this, nope.  The Mayo social worker or known as grief outreach worker called me and offered a widow group but they meet on zoom.  Nope to that too.  I am sick of zoom gatherings.  If it cannot be in real face to face time, nope.  I talked with her a short time and found myself annoyed at this young eager person who has not experienced this loss, yes she has lost a parent.  That is the natural order of life but not relevant to losing my best friend, my 53 year partner. I told her bluntly I have become somewhat of an expert on grief, not by choice.  But losing my only child, our son 12+ years ago and now Jerry,  I am using all the skills I have. Over years,  I have lost all 3 of my closest friends and of course all my elderly relatives.  

My life is not  going to ever be the same, no more coach trip, no more someone to take care of the house, no more hugs, just more and more of no more.  And unless I can be with a group with similar losses I am not interested.  I am not mentally ill and do not need a counselor.  I just would like company.  Sometimes just someone to eat with.  

Lately I am experiencing more down feelings, in waves, previously these had been infrequent, episodic.  So alone yet the reality is I am alone and will be. Some days the only contact I have with other people is a phone call, online--thru FB, or if I go to the store. I have often heard that people desert you in grief and I never concerned myself with it. Hah,  it wouldn't happen to me, not as active as I am.  I thought  the workout friends would endure, they did not.  I did my best with my mother in law who was a widow, not an easy person to be with but who depended on us. I used to talk with her, ask her things, have her here for meals so she would not be alone. My late aunt in PA was another widow, runs in my family, and I called her every week as well as traveling to PA to visit her.  Here, nobody to do that for me.  I think if I dropped dead in this house who would know and how long would I be here. 

I get most support, understanding and wisdom from the FB group, Grief Speaks Out.  Many of the quotes I shared here come from that site where people from all over share their grief experiences.  

It has been very hot unseasonably for us, for June, extreme 90's and 100 degrees, no rain, hot.  So I try to get my outside chores done by noon and even then I am drenched in sweat, and make periodic trips inside to drink water and cool off.  Miserable.  So not getting my daily walks this week.  I had been doing that early morning but that time I need for outdoor weeding, watering, etc, so my walks are off schedule for now.  After dinner time or later  afternoons, it is not at all possible.  The heat is strong.  This is as bad as winter when it is subzero and I stay inside.  Even the weather is not cooperative. 

Well here I am again,  just me and my shadow.....

Cold wintry days

   

This photo is out back with sunshine now and almost 30 degrees.  Frigid wintry days are tolerable with sunshine.  Last night we had the snow predicted, but less than the 8" forecast.  Still the 3-4" required work by our plow guy today, who was working alone, and didn't show up until after 11 o'clock this morning.  Sitting here I began to fret wondering when he would be here,  not that I was going out anywhere, but being alone gives me time to fixate which is not always good.  My thoughts can become very distracting to my own peace of mind.  It happened yesterday..  All day I'd heard the winter storm weather advisories and predictions of snow beginning late afternoon and lasting overnight.  For the first time since I don't know when, I decided not to risk going to Saturday evening mass.  I regretted that because I could have made it, snow did not begin until an hour after I'd have been home.  I was annoyed with myself for listening to weather predictions and expecting the worst.  I told myself that if it stormed although I would be but a mile away in town,  if it got sloppy, icy in the dark that is more than I need to handle.  I try to be protective of myself.  I have no one to call back here at the house so I let fear take over.  And it wasted my mass time.  Attending mass at least once a week comforts me, it is tgthe e social event of my week despite not socializing before or after.  Well not to worry further, I had already let worry mess with me.  Our Diocese has the attendance dispensation in effect and I coukd stream or watch Sunday morning. I did that,  I had 3 masses here this morning on TV and streamed ours from church last night.  Spiritual communion x 4.  If Jerry had been here he would have known better about the weather which he pondered and studied endlessly.  He'd have assured me I could go or not.  Just one more example of how I miss him in life now. 

I go on, I do my best.  Yesterday I talked with a local lady, another widow, whom Jerry had known family  from way back.  She had sent me a very thoughtful sympathy card and said to call to chat sometime,  so I did.  She is older and not going out to church with the pandemic although someone is bringing her communion.  Her husband died well over a year ago, but she still misses him and admitted she has lots of lonely times.  But she has an adult daughter here and they do a lot for her including taking her to their home for dinner then sending leftovers home with her.  She said it is good that I enjoy cooking because she does not for herself.  I hear this same distress from many widows.   We talked about how wearing winters are and how this isolation is magnified, compounded with grief. Commiserating  with someone else who knows understands is  good.  She admitted to having no hobbies and that all she does is watch Hallmark channel on TV,  At least I have endless tasks.  She said she gets tired cleaning too.  But we do it, although our homes are not getting dirty, it is busy work, but want to keep the home neat tidy too, my lifelong trait.

Another photo from the past.  Jerry looked for the bar he finally found for downstairs until he found what he liked.  He did not settle nor rush.  How I wish he were still here to enjoy it.  But wishing does not make it so..this was in healthier times....we didn't know what was ahead.  That is a blessing because we could go along and enjoy.  I think we did.