This photo is out back with sunshine now and almost 30 degrees. Frigid wintry days are tolerable with sunshine. Last night we had the snow predicted, but less than the 8" forecast. Still the 3-4" required work by our plow guy today, who was working alone, and didn't show up until after 11 o'clock this morning. Sitting here I began to fret wondering when he would be here, not that I was going out anywhere, but being alone gives me time to fixate which is not always good. My thoughts can become very distracting to my own peace of mind. It happened yesterday.. All day I'd heard the winter storm weather advisories and predictions of snow beginning late afternoon and lasting overnight. For the first time since I don't know when, I decided not to risk going to Saturday evening mass. I regretted that because I could have made it, snow did not begin until an hour after I'd have been home. I was annoyed with myself for listening to weather predictions and expecting the worst. I told myself that if it stormed although I would be but a mile away in town, if it got sloppy, icy in the dark that is more than I need to handle. I try to be protective of myself. I have no one to call back here at the house so I let fear take over. And it wasted my mass time. Attending mass at least once a week comforts me, it is tgthe e social event of my week despite not socializing before or after. Well not to worry further, I had already let worry mess with me. Our Diocese has the attendance dispensation in effect and I coukd stream or watch Sunday morning. I did that, I had 3 masses here this morning on TV and streamed ours from church last night. Spiritual communion x 4. If Jerry had been here he would have known better about the weather which he pondered and studied endlessly. He'd have assured me I could go or not. Just one more example of how I miss him in life now.
I go on, I do my best. Yesterday I talked with a local lady, another widow, whom Jerry had known family from way back. She had sent me a very thoughtful sympathy card and said to call to chat sometime, so I did. She is older and not going out to church with the pandemic although someone is bringing her communion. Her husband died well over a year ago, but she still misses him and admitted she has lots of lonely times. But she has an adult daughter here and they do a lot for her including taking her to their home for dinner then sending leftovers home with her. She said it is good that I enjoy cooking because she does not for herself. I hear this same distress from many widows. We talked about how wearing winters are and how this isolation is magnified, compounded with grief. Commiserating with someone else who knows understands is good. She admitted to having no hobbies and that all she does is watch Hallmark channel on TV, At least I have endless tasks. She said she gets tired cleaning too. But we do it, although our homes are not getting dirty, it is busy work, but want to keep the home neat tidy too, my lifelong trait.
Another photo from the past. Jerry looked for the bar he finally found for downstairs until he found what he liked. He did not settle nor rush. How I wish he were still here to enjoy it. But wishing does not make it so..this was in healthier times....we didn't know what was ahead. That is a blessing because we could go along and enjoy. I think we did.
