December 11, yesterday marked 4 years

 

Snow dusting 

Unexpected snow dust came overnight, sosince I had to put out the recycle bin and also had a bag of trash, I used my leaf blower to clear tge driveway and front walk first.  It was only 20 degrees out there and overcast.  Little did I expect that to be the day's high temp!  By 3:00pm when I walked out to retrieve the bin and get the mail it was only 15 degrees.  

 I was glad I had no need to go anywhere..  Too brutal arctic frigid..  spent the day at home.  Kept busy,  downstairs.  I put the boxes back into the Christmas closet. 

 That cleared the debris and clutter from the reduced decorating I have done for this year.  I so dislike putting away after the holidays so saving self some annoyance this year.  Jerry always was best at packing stuff away.  Now that it is up to just me like all else, I reconsider.. 

After blowing snow and bin out,
some sun rays did not warm. Temps
Spiraled down 

That's just one of the things I remembered on this now going into my 4th year of widowhood.   This was the day in 2020 that he took his last breath, I day I knew would come, yet still did not expect.  I reme5feeling calm as I saw all the agony leave his face when he closed his eyes and his almost relaxed grin came.  I knew he was at peace.  He'd been babbling incoherently and there was nothing I could do but stand beside his hospital bed and hold his hand, watch his oxygen.  Today I am aware of how God's grace came right then, to strengthen and nourish me. In the past 4 years only with God's grace have I done so well.  I am blessed with a lifelong deep rooted Faith, learned beginning as a tot, Baba taught me to pray, signing myself in Polish.  Still today, I can easily pray that in Polish.  And how I wish I had learned more.

My Nanook of the North
Waddling Gear

So temps dipped lower and I had to wear my Nanook of the North Gear, or as I call it my waddling clothes, so bundled up and warm sweater underneath.  How much more colder things feel to me, where I used to wear  maybe long sleeves now I grab a velour top or sweater even inside.  I keep the house thermostat at 72 degrees, cooler than we used to, but comfortable for me.  I cannot let it get colder except at night in bed when I  let it down to 69 degrees.  Using less natural gas but paying more,  Still I can afford to be comfortable and I am not going to save and skimp and shiver in my own home.  And this morning, December 12 it dipped below zero overnight.  At 8:00AM it was still 3 below.,  That is brutal Arctic like, so another day of stay home and be glad you can.  This arctic cold surely is freezing off all the bugs that thrived in summer.  Locals said we had so many because it didn't get cold enough long enough.  Last winter  was nicer to me, but now December here we go,  Down to the coldness.  Oh and the darkness at even 4:00PM, that's been here too.  Something else that is a bit rougher aloine.  So I ignore it, pour my wine while I fix my dinner, turn the tv on to The Five and go on about things.  

Another thing Jerry told me was not to deprive myself.  What for? No need to leave more $$ to  others who  seldom even check in.  Yesterday Dec 11 was  4 years, finally Barb sent a text that she was thinking of me.  Later in the evening Gary called to check in.  Otherwise zippo.  I was not surprised, I've gotten used to it.  But he also said, "And just because someone tells you you need something, don't believe them."  He was talking about wasteful spending, charges for unnecessary, ever the sensible one.  

I remember something else Jerry told me, "Don't expect anything from people.  They are not like you."  He knew more than me and I didn't believe that then.  But now I do.   

Cold wintry days

   

This photo is out back with sunshine now and almost 30 degrees.  Frigid wintry days are tolerable with sunshine.  Last night we had the snow predicted, but less than the 8" forecast.  Still the 3-4" required work by our plow guy today, who was working alone, and didn't show up until after 11 o'clock this morning.  Sitting here I began to fret wondering when he would be here,  not that I was going out anywhere, but being alone gives me time to fixate which is not always good.  My thoughts can become very distracting to my own peace of mind.  It happened yesterday..  All day I'd heard the winter storm weather advisories and predictions of snow beginning late afternoon and lasting overnight.  For the first time since I don't know when, I decided not to risk going to Saturday evening mass.  I regretted that because I could have made it, snow did not begin until an hour after I'd have been home.  I was annoyed with myself for listening to weather predictions and expecting the worst.  I told myself that if it stormed although I would be but a mile away in town,  if it got sloppy, icy in the dark that is more than I need to handle.  I try to be protective of myself.  I have no one to call back here at the house so I let fear take over.  And it wasted my mass time.  Attending mass at least once a week comforts me, it is tgthe e social event of my week despite not socializing before or after.  Well not to worry further, I had already let worry mess with me.  Our Diocese has the attendance dispensation in effect and I coukd stream or watch Sunday morning. I did that,  I had 3 masses here this morning on TV and streamed ours from church last night.  Spiritual communion x 4.  If Jerry had been here he would have known better about the weather which he pondered and studied endlessly.  He'd have assured me I could go or not.  Just one more example of how I miss him in life now. 

I go on, I do my best.  Yesterday I talked with a local lady, another widow, whom Jerry had known family  from way back.  She had sent me a very thoughtful sympathy card and said to call to chat sometime,  so I did.  She is older and not going out to church with the pandemic although someone is bringing her communion.  Her husband died well over a year ago, but she still misses him and admitted she has lots of lonely times.  But she has an adult daughter here and they do a lot for her including taking her to their home for dinner then sending leftovers home with her.  She said it is good that I enjoy cooking because she does not for herself.  I hear this same distress from many widows.   We talked about how wearing winters are and how this isolation is magnified, compounded with grief. Commiserating  with someone else who knows understands is  good.  She admitted to having no hobbies and that all she does is watch Hallmark channel on TV,  At least I have endless tasks.  She said she gets tired cleaning too.  But we do it, although our homes are not getting dirty, it is busy work, but want to keep the home neat tidy too, my lifelong trait.

Another photo from the past.  Jerry looked for the bar he finally found for downstairs until he found what he liked.  He did not settle nor rush.  How I wish he were still here to enjoy it.  But wishing does not make it so..this was in healthier times....we didn't know what was ahead.  That is a blessing because we could go along and enjoy.  I think we did.