December 11, yesterday marked 4 years

 

Snow dusting 

Unexpected snow dust came overnight, sosince I had to put out the recycle bin and also had a bag of trash, I used my leaf blower to clear tge driveway and front walk first.  It was only 20 degrees out there and overcast.  Little did I expect that to be the day's high temp!  By 3:00pm when I walked out to retrieve the bin and get the mail it was only 15 degrees.  

 I was glad I had no need to go anywhere..  Too brutal arctic frigid..  spent the day at home.  Kept busy,  downstairs.  I put the boxes back into the Christmas closet. 

 That cleared the debris and clutter from the reduced decorating I have done for this year.  I so dislike putting away after the holidays so saving self some annoyance this year.  Jerry always was best at packing stuff away.  Now that it is up to just me like all else, I reconsider.. 

After blowing snow and bin out,
some sun rays did not warm. Temps
Spiraled down 

That's just one of the things I remembered on this now going into my 4th year of widowhood.   This was the day in 2020 that he took his last breath, I day I knew would come, yet still did not expect.  I reme5feeling calm as I saw all the agony leave his face when he closed his eyes and his almost relaxed grin came.  I knew he was at peace.  He'd been babbling incoherently and there was nothing I could do but stand beside his hospital bed and hold his hand, watch his oxygen.  Today I am aware of how God's grace came right then, to strengthen and nourish me. In the past 4 years only with God's grace have I done so well.  I am blessed with a lifelong deep rooted Faith, learned beginning as a tot, Baba taught me to pray, signing myself in Polish.  Still today, I can easily pray that in Polish.  And how I wish I had learned more.

My Nanook of the North
Waddling Gear

So temps dipped lower and I had to wear my Nanook of the North Gear, or as I call it my waddling clothes, so bundled up and warm sweater underneath.  How much more colder things feel to me, where I used to wear  maybe long sleeves now I grab a velour top or sweater even inside.  I keep the house thermostat at 72 degrees, cooler than we used to, but comfortable for me.  I cannot let it get colder except at night in bed when I  let it down to 69 degrees.  Using less natural gas but paying more,  Still I can afford to be comfortable and I am not going to save and skimp and shiver in my own home.  And this morning, December 12 it dipped below zero overnight.  At 8:00AM it was still 3 below.,  That is brutal Arctic like, so another day of stay home and be glad you can.  This arctic cold surely is freezing off all the bugs that thrived in summer.  Locals said we had so many because it didn't get cold enough long enough.  Last winter  was nicer to me, but now December here we go,  Down to the coldness.  Oh and the darkness at even 4:00PM, that's been here too.  Something else that is a bit rougher aloine.  So I ignore it, pour my wine while I fix my dinner, turn the tv on to The Five and go on about things.  

Another thing Jerry told me was not to deprive myself.  What for? No need to leave more $$ to  others who  seldom even check in.  Yesterday Dec 11 was  4 years, finally Barb sent a text that she was thinking of me.  Later in the evening Gary called to check in.  Otherwise zippo.  I was not surprised, I've gotten used to it.  But he also said, "And just because someone tells you you need something, don't believe them."  He was talking about wasteful spending, charges for unnecessary, ever the sensible one.  

I remember something else Jerry told me, "Don't expect anything from people.  They are not like you."  He knew more than me and I didn't believe that then.  But now I do.   

Journaling for health and well being

 Somehow I have known this for a long time but now Mayo Clinic agrees publicly that journaling is beneficial.  I have begun using this blog as my journal because since returning here sporadically there are no followers.  That's ok with me, I can journal away, working my way through winter isolation in this season of my grief.   I suppose these days of pandemic and more isolation to more people countrywide bring on more feelings of isolation and loom.   I have copied and pasted here as a self reminder, what Mayo says:

Journaling: Why it's good for you, how to do it  By Mayo Clinic Staff   Do you ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed, stressed or anxious? One often-overlooked way to deal with these feelings is journaling.  "As situations become stressful, we can easily become overwhelmed and caught up in trying to just get through the day," says Craig Sawchuk, Ph.D., L.P., psychologist and co-chair of Mayo Clinic's Division of Integrated Behavioral Health. "Journaling is a helpful way to take time out to reflect and focus on where you're at this moment and how you have been doing."       

The power of journaling  Journaling is one way to express your thoughts in a safe space and without judgment. It can help you organize your feelings, process worries or frustrations, or clarify a problem you're working on.  Journal writing also appears to reduce stress and increase well-being. In one study, adults who spent time journaling three days a week experienced several benefits. They reported less anxiety and depressive symptoms, and greater resilience.   Other studies have found that journaling may improve blood pressure, heart symptoms, self-care and quality of life.  Journaling can also help you stay focused on your progress toward health-related goals.  "Journaling increases self-accountability," says Dr. Sawchuk. "It can also create an opportunity for self-reinforcement by encouraging progress toward these goals."  

Getting started with journaling   There's no right way to journal. The key is finding the method that works best for you.  "Journaling can take on many forms," says Dr. Sawchuk. "It can be a brief stress-o-meter rating from 1-10, writing down the things you're grateful for, or an opportunity to set and check in on progress with goal setting."   The main idea, Dr. Sawchuk says, is that your journal entries are brief, focused, relevant and practical. He offers this advice for getting started:    

 Keep it simple. Don't worry about having a fancy journal or complicated journaling system. "Set the bar low to start," says Dr. Sawchuk. "The simpler the better!"     

Make it portable. Carry your journal with you so you can write when the inspiration hits. Or keep your journal on your smartphone, which is likely to be close by.   

Add it to your routine. Journal at around the same time each day — for instance, every morning or at night before you go to bed. It may be helpful to set an alarm to help you remember.   

Set time limits. "Set limits on how long you journal when you first start," says Dr. Sawchuk. "From 2 to 10 minutes is a good goal."   

Get creative. "Try to make it fun and creative," says Dr. Sawchuk. "The brain loves novelty, so having a cool looking way to journal may be more engaging than a pencil and a blank piece of paper."   

Bullet journaling, collages or illustrations are just three ways to be more creative in your journaling.   

Be yourself. Remember that no one else is going to see your journal. Free yourself up to write what you really think and feel.   

Don't let journaling add to your stress. Don't feel pressure to be a good writer, to have perfect penmanship or to use a fancy journal.    And be wary of trying to do too much with your journal. "Don't try to track so many things that you overwhelm yourself," says Dr. Sawchuk. "That would be counterproductive to the purpose of journaling."    

Don't get discouraged. Don't give up or be hard on yourself if you miss a day. "Each day is a new day to get back on track," says Dr. Sawchuk.

I do not agree with nor follow all these hints,  first I am not that self disciplined and long ago decided my journaling would occur when I felt like it or had the time, I could not make it another to do task and be stressed if I missed it.  I wanted release not another obligation.  

I am currently sorting through my collection of my journals that I wrote  with pen over so manyyears, especially when I was in my career days in CA.  I have often thought how irrelevant to my life today are all those things I fretted so about in the bureaucratic world of state government.  How seriously I took things that now are meaningless and when I read some of the worry I had over such trivial things I shake my head and wonder what I could have been thinking.  Still, it was my world then.  Who knows why I kept these, now something else to rid self and space of.  I think once upon a time I fantasized about writing a memoir and would need these as reminders.  I did not do that just like other grand  plans and ideas and now I have no interest to do so.  What for?  Bigger yet, who for?  

I have decided to destroy all those writings, they were my personal thoughts.  i have no one who needs to read them when I am gone and well frankly some things I would not care for anyone to read nor know.  They would ultimately get tossed, so I review a few pages now and then, usually in evening while I am watching tv and then tear the page.  Like looking through old photos, but these words do not puzzle me so much as photos can.  Especially if I did not write the  places, names and dates on the photos from way back, there can be people I do not know.  So I toss them.  

Most all my journals begin with a similar page at the very beginning.  Way back to advise anyone who might be tempted to read it that it would be best if they didn't.  To keep prying eyes away.  Jerry would never have done so I know so I was not as concerned about him as anyone else who might be around the house whenever.   This is a good wintry project.    

As our sub zero temperatures have continued and I am staying in for now the  3rd day in a row I look for things to do.  I have  occupied myself  the last two days  polishing wood upstairs, the  baseboards, doors, cabinetry in the bathrooms, the hallways all the extra bedroom doors.  I have a lot of wood and do not  really do this type of polishing shining but maybe once a year.  Jerry used to help out on this task but now it is another of those things I must do.  It eases the boredom and otherwise stir crazies that could overtake me.  I had intended to get out today but the winds howled this morning and the snow fell again and the weather advisory was stay in at -8 degrees when I got up this morning.  Granted that is warmer than the 25 below a  few nights ago.  

 I did a bit of driveway shoveling yesterday and cleared a path down the drive to the mailbox. Although it was zero degrees the sun was shining and I could work out there for a bit.  The snow dusting was not enough for the snow removal guy I hire to bother with so he did not show up yesterday.  He uses a small Bob cat.  So dustings are immaterial to him.  I wish I could hire someone to snow blow or shovel but that is a pipe dream these days. 

 I would have finished today but the additional morning snow made it  more than I care to deal with.  And yet he still has not come by, I hope he does tomorrow or yet this afternoon.  Otherwise  it will stay,  the walk will not be shoveled and I will drive over it, which I dislike doing but will to get out tomorrow or Monday.  Fortunately I do not need anything, I have enough food supply to eat for  many months here.  But I just like to  get some outside world contact.  Otherwise it is just me here.  That is the worst,  Phone calls help some yet it is very lonesome that I know.   

One more door to finish up here on teh main floor and then done until I tackle the kitchen Monday.  It keeps me busy and that is key to me.