Overall I am doing quite well since Jerry passed in December, medically the stress of all this has not harmed me, my doctors are pleased. My annual cardiologist check up went very well, Those are good, I am somehow working it through. But the last couple days, for no particular reason, I seem to backslide. I have read/heard that grief is like that, just about the time you think you are in smooth waters, smooth easier sailing, watch out here comes a wave. Strange feelings, for me as I am noticing this aloneness. When I come in from outside weeding and trimming, there is no one to say, "ok, you have done enough for one day, done now.." so I have to tell that to myself. I think about my friends who were single and who lived alone, the closest are gone now too. But they managed OK. How did they do that? Was it because that was ll they knew. They had nothing to get really used to. One lived with her aging parents and after they passed she stayed in the family home and continued on with life.
Maybe if you are not used to someone else being part of life, considering and making decisions, companionship, comfort, love and 53 + years together being solitary does not seem different. But for me it's major. I miss him at pre dinner cocktail time when he'd have a beer and I'd pour a glass of wine. Yes, I still pour myself that wine. But no one is here to ask, "what's on the menu?" or, "let's go to Schmitty's and eat.." No one is here to eat with. I still cook, I always will. I prefer my own food, I am just like my late aunt, "eat at home you know what you have then". It is a challenge to purchase and cook portions to single, other than a chop, burger or small steak, so I adjust to having left overs. Some I do not mind, left over salmon, chicken, even steak, cut or diced into a salad make a good meal for me, especially on these hot days we have endured since June. But this post is not about how I am cooking...it's about noticing how alone solitary life is.
My cousin, the retired Monsignor who lives alone now in PA in his family home tells me that he is by himself and I will adjust. I suppose I have to, there is no choice. I am not the one to start going out for fast food or eating out alone just to sit alone in a restaurant.
When I am overly busy with chores, errands or when I was so preoccupied selling the coach and pick up I didn't get this wistful. So the grief wave right now will pass, I tell myself, It came to pass not to stay. Doesn't mean I have to like it. Just tolerate and accept..
