Grief stages and reality of aloneness

Before mass the other Saturday evening, our deacon  asked me how I was doing and said he thinks about me frequently.  I  replied, "I am doing good, I think,  and others seem to say so too.  I have my moments but I expect them and I let them be."   He asked how long we had been married and when I told him 53 years, he replied, "when you share a lifetime together like that and that is a lifetime for many and beyond a lifetime for others, you can expect to grieve.  It is absolutely perfectly natural."  I shared with him that I think I am at peace, if this is peace because I know I did all I could for those months and the last hardest weeks, when I so worried about how I would continue to care for him as he became weaker and could hardly get up out of bed.  All I could do was pray.  But God was with me and still is always. I knew Jerry despised becoming frail and feeble, his main complaint was he hated not being able to do anything, he would say, "I can't do anything."  He had always been strong, healthy. He had overcome and survived. At Jerry's last breath when he gasped and was gone immediately and I saw the peaceful look of comfort that came all over his face immediately, I knew he was better off, that his struggle ended with victory of eternal rest and that we will be together again, that we will be together in my heart here on earth as long as I live."  "  He agreed that my faith is my great sustainer and I replied, "yes, I know ...it has held me through the loss of my only son and others...it is all I have left and it will just have to be there for me.  Somehow I always suspected I might become4 a widow because Jerry was 7 years older than me, but with his health and the longevity of his family, his genes surely meant a long life ahead.  He would tease that he would see 100 and surely he could have if those lungs had not been ravaged." 

Later, after mass, at home, I pondered  if all the practice I have had these past few years in losing  my dearest to deaths has numbed me or prepared me.  I have been blessed with little despair, not the  weeping and sobbing as some do at all.  The losses may have helped me to realize that death is the end of this life for each and every one of us, no one gets out of this life alive. It certainly has required me to become resilient, but then I had Jerry alongside me as my rock, now  just me and God.  I have had plenty of grief rehearsals. 

Currently a longtime friend from PA is grieving  and marking her first a month loss of her husband.  But she has family and  from her FB posts her daughter stays the night with her,  she does not face aloneness and seems to be unable to cope.  She is truly mournful to the depths.  I feel sorry for her and yet, I feel a bit annoyed.  I think, "get a hold of yourself, you have support, family people right there....and remember you are not the only widow in the world."  But I do not say that to her,  I  only do as others, offer a few encouraging words and  will send her another card soon.  And yet I compare to myself and my situation.  I know we are different people and perhaps I am super strong because I have to be. There is no one who will shoulder this with me.  There are days when I hear from nobody and on gloomy cold wintry days I keep myself busy inside doing something, any project, because I have no human contact.  I can make phone calls and I do.  I can post to FB and talk with others and I do, but it is not the same as having another person around.  But I just have to get used to it,  Jerry is not coming back.  This I know.  

t is now just me and I must do my darndest no matter what.  I must take care of me.  I promised Jerry I would.  In fact I think once I got it into his mind that I would be ok and he believed that he was free to leave this earth.  The last week he would say, "you are strong, you will be ok, and I will always watch for you." This little cartoon I saw years ago is so appropriate, . 

 

My mother and father 
 1943 Charleston, SC

I  think back over my family and all the women who became widows, not a one of them sat around and wept nor carried on.  It just is not our way, not that they did not grieve, they too were hurt, devastated, but they knew life must go on. I think of my Mom, pregnant with me,  WWII era and my father a B24 pilot in the Army Air Corps.  He and his plane and entire crew disappeared into the Atlantic.  No trace ever found.  Mom was
young only 20 and alone there in South Carolina when she got that dreadful news, her mother, my grandmother went to her on the train and brought her back to PA. Mom always said, "life is for the living."  She did remarry and life did go on.  My grandma became a widow later in life and then immediately moved into our house.  Years later when she came out to CA to help me, a dumb young, struggling single mother, she said that she wished she would have had a way to keep her own place instead of moving in and  cautioned me to always be able to take care of myself.  Life was different then for her, she had no income. She said back then that "you never know what life will throw at you so just be sure to keep your hands folded to the Lord.  

Something else that has given me strength is my foundation in change management in career days, way back when I was implementing quality teams, etc.  Part of the training focused on the stages of grief based on the  research work of Elizabeth Kubler Ross into deaths.  Death is the ultimate change.  We learned about DABDA, and how some people cycle back and around and may become perpetually stuck in one cycle or another.  She asserts there are  5 stages of grief, reflected by the first letter of each, and peoples reactions vary.  They may not  smoothly flowing from one stage to another.  They may not move through the stages in a linear way.   

• Denial   What?  Can't be.  Will not happen.  No way
• Anger   How can this happen.. I do not deserve this. This is not fair. Where's God?
• Bargaining  Just another month, year, day, etc.  I will be a better person.  I will do.....
• Depression  My heart is broken.  I can't go on. I want to die.   
• Acceptance      So this is the end.  Let me be still.  I can go on.  I must persevere

I feel blessed and that my faith has me at acceptance.  That my faith and life brought me to this.  And though I do not like it,  I wouldn't have chosen this, it is now here .And I must go on, alone.  And keep my faith.

 

WIDOWHOOD

 The following  appeared today on a friend, AWON sibling's FB post.  Joyce is also a widow.  This hits the bullseye for me,  I have had so many of these thoughts.  Today is Valentine's Day.  I almost totally forgot it, first time in over 50 years.  I would have too if not for talking with sister in law on phone who sent me a card and a chocolate bar.   Another friend posted on FB  the roses her family had sent her to continue  the tradition her hubby, whom she lost in Oct.,  had of bringing her roses on Valentine's Day.  This is my first year in ever so long without roses too.  I suppose if I had not been stuck inside at home waiting out these sub zero temps I might have been tempted to buy some for myself.  I did not face that nor the heart tug that would have gotten to me watching guys buy for their sweeties.  This is a sad day now for me.  But I will make some phone calls and keep busy with polishing the wooden trims upstairs, doors, baseboards, a project I started a couple days ago.  A project Jerry always helped with.  Now it is my solitary task and I need the step stool to reach the tops of the doors, trims, etc. We have lots of wood in this house and the project takes me days.  Busyness, my antidote.

ONE MORE DAY·

“Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation. 

Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection. 

Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you. 

Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.  

Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s and without them you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously. 

Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone, like a mist of a dream you begin to wonder if it happened at all. 

Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without them. 

Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you. 

Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not their spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for all those years? What is your purpose if the job of investing into your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here? 

Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination. 

Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. No body next to you. No partner to share your burden. 

Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet. 

Yes. It is much more than simply missing their presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time. 

Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth. 

Widowhood…..,,,,,is life changing."

 By: Alisha Bozarth

Journaling for health and well being

 Somehow I have known this for a long time but now Mayo Clinic agrees publicly that journaling is beneficial.  I have begun using this blog as my journal because since returning here sporadically there are no followers.  That's ok with me, I can journal away, working my way through winter isolation in this season of my grief.   I suppose these days of pandemic and more isolation to more people countrywide bring on more feelings of isolation and loom.   I have copied and pasted here as a self reminder, what Mayo says:

Journaling: Why it's good for you, how to do it  By Mayo Clinic Staff   Do you ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed, stressed or anxious? One often-overlooked way to deal with these feelings is journaling.  "As situations become stressful, we can easily become overwhelmed and caught up in trying to just get through the day," says Craig Sawchuk, Ph.D., L.P., psychologist and co-chair of Mayo Clinic's Division of Integrated Behavioral Health. "Journaling is a helpful way to take time out to reflect and focus on where you're at this moment and how you have been doing."       

The power of journaling  Journaling is one way to express your thoughts in a safe space and without judgment. It can help you organize your feelings, process worries or frustrations, or clarify a problem you're working on.  Journal writing also appears to reduce stress and increase well-being. In one study, adults who spent time journaling three days a week experienced several benefits. They reported less anxiety and depressive symptoms, and greater resilience.   Other studies have found that journaling may improve blood pressure, heart symptoms, self-care and quality of life.  Journaling can also help you stay focused on your progress toward health-related goals.  "Journaling increases self-accountability," says Dr. Sawchuk. "It can also create an opportunity for self-reinforcement by encouraging progress toward these goals."  

Getting started with journaling   There's no right way to journal. The key is finding the method that works best for you.  "Journaling can take on many forms," says Dr. Sawchuk. "It can be a brief stress-o-meter rating from 1-10, writing down the things you're grateful for, or an opportunity to set and check in on progress with goal setting."   The main idea, Dr. Sawchuk says, is that your journal entries are brief, focused, relevant and practical. He offers this advice for getting started:    

 Keep it simple. Don't worry about having a fancy journal or complicated journaling system. "Set the bar low to start," says Dr. Sawchuk. "The simpler the better!"     

Make it portable. Carry your journal with you so you can write when the inspiration hits. Or keep your journal on your smartphone, which is likely to be close by.   

Add it to your routine. Journal at around the same time each day — for instance, every morning or at night before you go to bed. It may be helpful to set an alarm to help you remember.   

Set time limits. "Set limits on how long you journal when you first start," says Dr. Sawchuk. "From 2 to 10 minutes is a good goal."   

Get creative. "Try to make it fun and creative," says Dr. Sawchuk. "The brain loves novelty, so having a cool looking way to journal may be more engaging than a pencil and a blank piece of paper."   

Bullet journaling, collages or illustrations are just three ways to be more creative in your journaling.   

Be yourself. Remember that no one else is going to see your journal. Free yourself up to write what you really think and feel.   

Don't let journaling add to your stress. Don't feel pressure to be a good writer, to have perfect penmanship or to use a fancy journal.    And be wary of trying to do too much with your journal. "Don't try to track so many things that you overwhelm yourself," says Dr. Sawchuk. "That would be counterproductive to the purpose of journaling."    

Don't get discouraged. Don't give up or be hard on yourself if you miss a day. "Each day is a new day to get back on track," says Dr. Sawchuk.

I do not agree with nor follow all these hints,  first I am not that self disciplined and long ago decided my journaling would occur when I felt like it or had the time, I could not make it another to do task and be stressed if I missed it.  I wanted release not another obligation.  

I am currently sorting through my collection of my journals that I wrote  with pen over so manyyears, especially when I was in my career days in CA.  I have often thought how irrelevant to my life today are all those things I fretted so about in the bureaucratic world of state government.  How seriously I took things that now are meaningless and when I read some of the worry I had over such trivial things I shake my head and wonder what I could have been thinking.  Still, it was my world then.  Who knows why I kept these, now something else to rid self and space of.  I think once upon a time I fantasized about writing a memoir and would need these as reminders.  I did not do that just like other grand  plans and ideas and now I have no interest to do so.  What for?  Bigger yet, who for?  

I have decided to destroy all those writings, they were my personal thoughts.  i have no one who needs to read them when I am gone and well frankly some things I would not care for anyone to read nor know.  They would ultimately get tossed, so I review a few pages now and then, usually in evening while I am watching tv and then tear the page.  Like looking through old photos, but these words do not puzzle me so much as photos can.  Especially if I did not write the  places, names and dates on the photos from way back, there can be people I do not know.  So I toss them.  

Most all my journals begin with a similar page at the very beginning.  Way back to advise anyone who might be tempted to read it that it would be best if they didn't.  To keep prying eyes away.  Jerry would never have done so I know so I was not as concerned about him as anyone else who might be around the house whenever.   This is a good wintry project.    

As our sub zero temperatures have continued and I am staying in for now the  3rd day in a row I look for things to do.  I have  occupied myself  the last two days  polishing wood upstairs, the  baseboards, doors, cabinetry in the bathrooms, the hallways all the extra bedroom doors.  I have a lot of wood and do not  really do this type of polishing shining but maybe once a year.  Jerry used to help out on this task but now it is another of those things I must do.  It eases the boredom and otherwise stir crazies that could overtake me.  I had intended to get out today but the winds howled this morning and the snow fell again and the weather advisory was stay in at -8 degrees when I got up this morning.  Granted that is warmer than the 25 below a  few nights ago.  

 I did a bit of driveway shoveling yesterday and cleared a path down the drive to the mailbox. Although it was zero degrees the sun was shining and I could work out there for a bit.  The snow dusting was not enough for the snow removal guy I hire to bother with so he did not show up yesterday.  He uses a small Bob cat.  So dustings are immaterial to him.  I wish I could hire someone to snow blow or shovel but that is a pipe dream these days. 

 I would have finished today but the additional morning snow made it  more than I care to deal with.  And yet he still has not come by, I hope he does tomorrow or yet this afternoon.  Otherwise  it will stay,  the walk will not be shoveled and I will drive over it, which I dislike doing but will to get out tomorrow or Monday.  Fortunately I do not need anything, I have enough food supply to eat for  many months here.  But I just like to  get some outside world contact.  Otherwise it is just me here.  That is the worst,  Phone calls help some yet it is very lonesome that I know.   

One more door to finish up here on teh main floor and then done until I tackle the kitchen Monday.  It keeps me busy and that is key to me. 

Below zero and holding single digitas

 At 7:30 AM three thermometers showed -25 degrees, the house thermostat with outside sensor, atomic clock, and the old vintage one on the back deck outside the kitchen window.  I do  not ever recall it being this cold, so began Day 2 of another day I will not leave the house.  I kept busy watched 3 masses on tv first, doing this and that and reminding me that I can be grateful for a warm comfy house and not having to go out anywhere.  Others are not so blessed.  We are to give thanks for everything so there it was.  I had some lemons to use and have had a craving for custard lately after eating a wonderful dessert a friend brought to me. So I entertained myself by making  a small recipe of lemon custard, the one I'd use for pie filling.  

While I stirred it constantly as required to bring to a boil, lest it scorch I wondered why custards only use the yolks of the eggs.  I shared that on FB and a few responded that the yolks thicken and the whites  are too watery.    

But I still wondered if the amount of liquid could not be reduced to compensate for the whites and why the whites could not simply be whisked into the egg yolks and used.  My stirring stirred my curiosity.  So I have unanswered questions. the next time I make custard I will experiment for myself.  Meantime today I made a whites only egg omelet in a cup, microwaved to use up the eg whites.  And 3 tangy lemon custard servings await for later.  All o keep myself from going completely stir crazy confined here with just myself  

I miss Jerry,  I know I always will and I know this is all taking lots of getting used to.  Yesterday I wrote a long letter to a friend who just lost her husband too.  But she despite family, adult children, with her is feeling more despondent and cries.  Maybe there is something wrong with me but I have had no real crying jags.  I suppose it is because I took care of him for so long and knew he was truly suffering, miserable at the end and did not want to be that way.  My priest says it is because I have such deep faith and know what lies Beyond.  I know he is not coming back and I will never replace him.  I miss the presence of being with someone else in the house even if we were doing other things.  I miss his hugs.  I miss cooking something and having his comments, mostly of appreciation.  There is ever so much missed yet I pause and remember.  

I keep busy,  last week the living room chairs and a small stool were picked up to be reupholstered. They were burgundy and one got a bit shabby from Jerry sitting in it a lot as he was confined to the living room, first floor and as his world shrunk in size moving between his hospital bed and the chair.  Since they match I chose to have both recovered at the same time.  Thankfully Deb, the gal who does this is still working, not yet retired. She has done other pieces for me.  Another year+ to go, for her, whew.  Otherwise I would have been without a resource.  Burgundy fabric is no longer a fashionable color so the re-upholsterer advised me to get that idea out of my head.  I wanted something different anyway,  time to change.  

My first thought was a sage green to go with the floral print of the sofa.  I did not want blue because I have lots of blue elsewhere including downstairs and green appealed.  But as I perused the many swatch books for a couple days I could not find a sage fabric that was suited.  The one I first chose  began to look too drab after I observed it in the different lighting and at different  times of day against the cream carpeting and cream draperies.  I did not want a tweed which seems to be   very popular now but neither did I want just a solid color. 

The burgundy chairs have a tone on tone sort of pattern that appears solid but is evident closer up.  So back to looking and finally I was down to 2 different choice's, at least that is what  I thought.   

Both fabrics by Barrow, the same manufacturer, both with exact same specifications, both the same color "kelp", but with different names.  One was Nut Island  the other Ripple.  Deb laughed when I called her with my selection and dilemma.  She was familiar with the manufacturers doing this, identical with different names in different swatch books.   Hardly ever noticed by customers but since I had two.  Apparently this was the right one for me I felt because I had picked it out twice.  When I  looked at both together I had to laugh.  What are the odds?  I am not sure which she ordered but that is my selection,  Kelp not sage with a dot of yellow and blue to break up the solid.   

The little footstool made in the  1970's in PA by my late Uncle John went too.  It did not need to be recovered but I figured why not,  did not need another pattern in the living room and since I will keep that small stool here for use  while sitting in one of the chairs, might as well match it too.   Jerry used it more toward the end instead of the larger hassock from the bedroom recliner.  This little stool is just right for me to put my feet up when sitting in the chairs.  Funny how it had the same shade of green I chose to recover and there is a gold to this tapestry too.  I have two other of these downstairs that Uncle John did with his friend who did woodworking.  The old tapestry is still in tremendous shape.  The other two are different and one matches the seat of another wooden chair recovered,  more of a predominant red, fabric.  So that was a project that kept my focus for a week. 

Now the living room looks empty without the chairs but it will not be long until she returns them.  Fortunately for me she is doing mine now ahead of another big job she expects that will keep her busy through May.  I was in no rush, but it will be fine to have this done and over with.  For now it is just me here and I retreat downstairs to watch tv at night once again.  And if I do sit in the living room the sofa works fine.  Should anyone stop by and want to sit in the living room I can drag dining room chairs in for them.  I will get by just as I have been.  

Cold wintry days

   

This photo is out back with sunshine now and almost 30 degrees.  Frigid wintry days are tolerable with sunshine.  Last night we had the snow predicted, but less than the 8" forecast.  Still the 3-4" required work by our plow guy today, who was working alone, and didn't show up until after 11 o'clock this morning.  Sitting here I began to fret wondering when he would be here,  not that I was going out anywhere, but being alone gives me time to fixate which is not always good.  My thoughts can become very distracting to my own peace of mind.  It happened yesterday..  All day I'd heard the winter storm weather advisories and predictions of snow beginning late afternoon and lasting overnight.  For the first time since I don't know when, I decided not to risk going to Saturday evening mass.  I regretted that because I could have made it, snow did not begin until an hour after I'd have been home.  I was annoyed with myself for listening to weather predictions and expecting the worst.  I told myself that if it stormed although I would be but a mile away in town,  if it got sloppy, icy in the dark that is more than I need to handle.  I try to be protective of myself.  I have no one to call back here at the house so I let fear take over.  And it wasted my mass time.  Attending mass at least once a week comforts me, it is tgthe e social event of my week despite not socializing before or after.  Well not to worry further, I had already let worry mess with me.  Our Diocese has the attendance dispensation in effect and I coukd stream or watch Sunday morning. I did that,  I had 3 masses here this morning on TV and streamed ours from church last night.  Spiritual communion x 4.  If Jerry had been here he would have known better about the weather which he pondered and studied endlessly.  He'd have assured me I could go or not.  Just one more example of how I miss him in life now. 

I go on, I do my best.  Yesterday I talked with a local lady, another widow, whom Jerry had known family  from way back.  She had sent me a very thoughtful sympathy card and said to call to chat sometime,  so I did.  She is older and not going out to church with the pandemic although someone is bringing her communion.  Her husband died well over a year ago, but she still misses him and admitted she has lots of lonely times.  But she has an adult daughter here and they do a lot for her including taking her to their home for dinner then sending leftovers home with her.  She said it is good that I enjoy cooking because she does not for herself.  I hear this same distress from many widows.   We talked about how wearing winters are and how this isolation is magnified, compounded with grief. Commiserating  with someone else who knows understands is  good.  She admitted to having no hobbies and that all she does is watch Hallmark channel on TV,  At least I have endless tasks.  She said she gets tired cleaning too.  But we do it, although our homes are not getting dirty, it is busy work, but want to keep the home neat tidy too, my lifelong trait.

Another photo from the past.  Jerry looked for the bar he finally found for downstairs until he found what he liked.  He did not settle nor rush.  How I wish he were still here to enjoy it.  But wishing does not make it so..this was in healthier times....we didn't know what was ahead.  That is a blessing because we could go along and enjoy.  I think we did.