Likely my last post of 2020

 

December 11, here at home after fighting lung fibrosis and cancer for months, Jerry, my wonderful husband, the love of my life, my everything  while holding my hand took his last breath and slipped away into eternal peace and light.  Immediate a  look of peace and comfort washed over his face and he was gone.  It has been a siege but I am doing well.  I think because I know I did my best. 

 When we got the terminal diagnosis in late June that a suspicious spot had returned on his lung, that his lung fibrosis was accelerating, and no further  treatments could be pursued, we thought we had more time, we even thought he could prove the doctors wrong.   He said he felt so cheated there was so much more he wanted to do, places he wanted to travel in our coach, the castle on wheels. At that time I looked at him and vowed  "I will never put you in a nursing home.  If it is the last thing I do on this earth I will take care of you at home."  I did that,  I kept my promise.  It was not easy especially the  as he  became weaker and weaker.  He hated weakness and not being able to do anything. He apologized for the "hell he was putting me through"  He told me many times that he did not want to leave me.  I think when I was really able to assure him that I would be OK, he was able to give up the fight.  

 His world had  shrunk to our home, then our living room, then to his chair and hospital bed, ultimately to the hospital bed.  Our living room became his hospital room.  His last week of life was  roughest,  he was weak and so tired,  he had not been eating for weeks but whatever he wanted, eggs, pudding, ice cream  no matter what time of the day or night, I got that for him. It was not Jerry in that bed.  Miraculously he had hardly any pain just struggling to breathe, gasping at  times despite the oxygens concentrator that supplied him with supplemental oxygen 24/7 and  even more supplement using a mask from a supplemental tank.  He said the fibrosis was trying to kill him.  I  had been sleeping with one ear open for months but the last week I slept kind of on the living room couch with an ear and eye open lest he want something in the middle of the night. His last day of life was not expected nor predicted.  The hospice nurse had been here earlier.  No one predicted he had a week, days or when the time would be.  The fact is no one knows,  It is in God's hands alone.   

Preston Veterans Cemetery

I have not had to rush to make decisions. We had things set up.  He is cremated and will be interred at Preston Veterans Cemetery  near here, our newest MN Veterans cemetery  https://mn.gov/mdva/memorials/stateveteranscemeteries/minnesota-state-veterans-cemetery-preston.jsp.He would have liked that,approved of this choice I made. 

I am waiting until late spring, for the interment and the ceremony, our winter weather is not conducive to an outside event. I have no desire to stand in the snow or howling winds.  Perhaps this lousy pandemic will have subsided and then the few family can travel back for the service.  Jerry wanted nothing at all only taps and military send off.  He will get that for sure and be at rest among others who served our country.  When I am done I can be interred there too with him.  I  have not yet decided whether I will choose a columbarium of burial,  but lean toward the columbarium niche. I have time, something I have an abundance of these  days. 

There is so much to write about and I may chime in  sometime as I find myself wondering and wandering around the house.   Most of this saga I have shared daily on Facebook with friends  who kept in touch that way and who are  all over the country.  Now I am having to get used to a different life,  my final chapter,  solo.  After 53 years of marriage.  Although we had separate interests we were together through all that life threw at us.  We had a great life, we really did,  we expected it to go on longer.  But God had a different plan, why only HE knows. 

I have been working on the full obituary for Jerry to be run in the  paper sometime after these holidays, no rush.  I edit it daily.  I have been challenged to find a photo of just him,  I did not want one from his declining days here at home with oxygen canula, etc.  I was astounded that so many of the photos I have were not of Jerry alone,  most every photo  was with me.  But then over 53 years, he was ever with me.  I know he still is and he will be watching me from Beyond just as he said he would.  The first, top pic  is the one I will run for his obituary and had to crop it..  He loved that hat, wore it everywhere, it was him so the more formal pictures we had taken on cruises, etc are not how most remember him.  I used this next photo on FB to let folks know he had gone on to a better place.  This was 2018, again with the hat at a rest stop in SD on our way to an American Coach Rally. It's him,  my Wagonmaster.  My everything who now is eternally in light and comfort. 

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Blessings can show up to lift us

 

This thought came via Facebook from a connected friend.  I reflected on the past weeks and the small moments that lifted my spirits.  Small moments to those who went beyond to help us, from a local pal who calls often just to chat and check in to the friends who came twice and mulched up the leaves with their mowers, pulverizing them into the grass.  They would not take a dime in payment.   Said they will come back and rake the rest.  I know they will if I ask...it is good to be able to rely on someone.

 A woman I did not recognize showed up at our door with a bag of Linda's Bakery pumpkin pie squares and apple pie squares.....We had met maybe 8 years back now and  really had not been in contact but she is friends with me on Facebook though seldom chimes in.  She wanted to bring some sweetness to us, felt I was a help to her and yet all I remember is talking with her a little about her caring for her mother with Alzheimers. 
We never know what effect we can have on others.  I was humbled with appreciation,  small for her but huge for me especially at the moment.  here are friends who will come and sit with Jerry if I have a medical appointment, etc.  It relievers me to have someone here,  gives me assurance and that is priceless.  

Another friend shared the name and number of a gal who can do outside work and who has been helping on their farm.  She, Megan, came and worked to clear out the leaves that fell and was very handy.  She is a single Mom making money to help support her family and found a place in my heart.  She also has a female Great Dane, Sequoia, who accompanies her everywhere and  which lifted my spirits...shades of CA days with my wonderful old Great Dane Ace. Meantime the relentless winds of the weekend have brought tons of leaves from all over to our front,  I will have Megan return to deal with them but yesterday I removed 2 cartloads just from in front of our garage.... Small moments all but they do make a difference.  

I think about the Alabama group, and their song years ago, Angels Among Us, Truly that is what all these and other people who bring us foods from soup to cookies, bottles of wine. sandwiches and more to brighten our days. This is a link to the You Tube of the song,  it can still make me teary eyed.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?  app=desktop&feature=youtu.be&v=y_4Xfj2LRSA     I believe there are angels among us, sent downnn to us from somewhere up above, they come to you and me in our darkest hour.....

I pray I never forget to recognize these angels and God's hand of comfort while we walk this valley of the shadow.  Jerry's weekend has been a rollercoaster and the swing continues today,  Saturday he slept all day, by Saturday night he was in agony with prostrate tormented from morphine to help his breathing,  needed a catheter a midnight visit from another hospice nurse.  Sunday he was awake, alert, hungry and eating well...today he is sleepy again but did enjoy talking with his longest pal from CA and AF days back starting in June 1960 at McClellan AFB.  I shared with my priest yesterday that sometimes I feel there is a demonic presence trying to discourage me and I pray fervently then,  it is as my grandma said,"that devil lurks waiting to grab us"...this I cannot allow.  As another friend who recently lost her hubby to Alzheimers shared, "when our bodies betray us we have no choice but to fight"  Julie  knows because she has been fighting her myeloma for years, she is  the bravest person I know yet she encourages others...takes time to do that..  Yes indeed we are given more than we can handle, God alone knows why,  we humans will never fathom.  

twisted life, shattered, my rambling commentary,

Some days, most days lately this dark cloud hangs over our lives..Life has gone downhill and somedays it accelerates.  In June Jerry was diagnosed with return of the lung cancer.  No further treatment could be given.  That suspiciously malignant appearing spot on another lung along with his lung fibrosis made him untreatable, no further surgery could be expected and chemo was now out of question.  The oncologist could not predict but said 6 months to a year.   We accepted the diagnosis,  what choice does one have, with faith and holding hands.  COVID made this a teleconference, zoom with the doctor..

First snowfall October 25

This after his siege of recurring adhesions from the 40 some year ago intestinal surgery.  The adhesions would flare up in his gut unexpectedly, no warnings, no way to prevent and would require hospitalization.  The last time in June meant inserting a permanent gastric drain tube into his stomach that we could drain whenever an episode might flare up...so far that has not happened but enough else has to where he is under hospice care at home and each day goes along,  That is the short of it and I say without reservation that this is sheer hell, unexpected, and nothing we ever could have planned for.  We though we'd have more time.  Jerry feels cheated, there was so much else yet he wanted to do in life.  I am devastated but put on a good front, for him and to keep myself steady.  Deep in my heart I have suspected that someday I would be a widow because Jerry is 7 years older than me.  But with the longevity in his family nothing was anticipated this soon and his overall good health gave us hope that has now shown to be  so false...we really never knew what lurked ahead.

It has been an awful year.  Have lost 3 close friends, one  to suicide as his health was failing and he could not face getting any worse.  A tragic year.. I am learning how to take care of things I never had even considered, so much Jerry did.  Fortunately friends help and I can afford to call professionals for major things like the new humidifier for the furnace.  I have signed up with the same company for annual inspections of the heating, air conditioning, maintenance and change of filter, etc,  all things beyond me.  

We had our first snowfall of winter Sunday.  Fortunately we only had  about under 2 inches, no shoveling required and roads cleared.  But it is too early.  It is like life right now, a long cold spell...I have yet outside chores to finish and somehow it will get done.  But my focus is caring for Jerry.  His world has shrunk to one from his hospital bed which we have in the living room alongside this window so he can look outside.  He can get up into his adjacent chair to sit and make it the few steps to the bathroom and back but that is it.  This has changed so much, so fast just from June.  He has more bad days than good.  We have home health aide help once a week to assist Jerry, gets him bathed and feeling ok. 

I am rambling but there is so much I want to get out and so I will be writing circuitously...but since I no longer have blog followers, my closest readers/friends have all passed away, I can use this space as I best can.  I know I am not the only one who has been on this path,  I know other widows.  But yet it is different for me, there was only us two.  All other family gone, our only son, Steve dead almost 12 years ago now.  Jerry's sister lives in CO with her family.  He has a son in CA , Al calls once a month maybe, obligatory I suppose it makes him feel that he is doing all he can.  He does not listen does not hear does not comprehend anything beyond himself.  He repeats  he is there if I need anything!  Sure, right, and immediately says he doesn't know what he could do.  I agree,  I do not want him flying here, picking up Covid in the airport or on the plane.  I have been so extremely cautious during this covid hell, not only do I not want any of it I cannot risk bringing it o Jerry, it would be game over for sure.  It is all I can do to maintain speaking,  he drove here end of May with his wife, a very sweet person...covid had things closed, they stayed at the local hotel, he was bored and then they were gone.  His efforts were exasperating for me, but he did what he thought was good, never taking time to understand, always the  attitude that he knew, messed up things for me worse than I needed and they were gone.  I was not a good hostess.  This was over Memorial Day  prior to the terminal diagnosis but still Jerry was on a recovery road from hospitalizations. I know he meant well, yet he knows zip about us, about his father, and never asks to listen.. I do not feel he truly cares, he makes a monthly or less effort and with casual phone call, "how's it going? How are you doing?" and yet does not pretend to listen, I do not say much to him, why waste my breath.  If he cared he would be in touch as day by day things happen, change, so someone so out of touch shows nothing.  He lives in self satisfied state of delusion, all is good, happy and says they know what I'm going through yet I know he does not have a clue.  How could he, because Angel's mom died too.  They do not know, they were not sole caretaker 24/7 without anyone...losing a parent is the natural order of the universe, tragic but not unusual...see there I ramble again.  I could write on forever just about this situation but I leave it....I am not the only one who has traveled this path,  I know too many widows.  I have lost too many contemporaries and I am exhausted mostly every day.  

Jerry in June when he still dressed.

Thank God that Jerry's sister, Barb has been here twice from Denver for long stays and to help out,  she has been a real Godsend and relief for me. She could always find something to do, nothing that needed direction nor guidance from me.  I think I am strong, was always used to being in control, and always optimistic and I suppose happy.  Yet today end of October I find my entire attitude has twisted along with this siege of life.   Thankful for my faith that still sustains me although at times my prayers and talks with God center on. "how could You allow this?"  I think I have been through more than enough in one lifetime, but no now it is the ultimate torture.  Jerry no longer gets dressed, will not even put on socks nor allow me to help him, he sits in his undershirt, one far too huge for him and shorts.  This from a man who always wore cowboy boots and jeans..this picture of him holding the certificate from Mayo was in June when he was still getting dressed daily, when he could walk to the kitchen and sat at the table to eat. Today he eats off a tv tray in front of his chair in the living room.  I carry food back and forth.  He has been on oxygen 24/7 for a long time and now along with the machine he needs a supplemental tank to just walk to the bathroom and back and secures it with an oxygen mask along with the tubes. Jerry  has lost over 40 pounds.  Some days he will not eat when he struggles to breathe it wears him out.  l get frustrated,  this is killing me too.  

Watching the love of my life, my husband of 53 years waste away, watching him gasp for breath, doing what I can and yes breaking down more than I would ever have imagined.  That is why I am writing here at last.  To vent frustration ....to release some of what I hold inside.  I am ever thankful for local friends who can do  many things to help,  they are my life savers today.  I am worried about the motor coach, our dream castle on wheels that is parked in its house here,  I have  not had time to figure out an appraisal nor to work online with the American Coach Association to list it for sale.  And sell it I must,  I will never drive it anywhere,  42 foot diesel pusher tag axle, it took us a lifetime to get that upscale and now our dreams for it and life traveling more are shattered.  

Life generates comedy

Approaching our house from street over snowbanks

Yesterday was a beautiful day in the neighborhood amidst snow hills that nearly shield the view of our house from sight in the street.  The sun aglow makes everything better for me, even the cold 30 some degrees.  Somehow the suns rays create the illusion of warmth.  Two days in a row of sunshine after a grey gloomy Sunday with the biggest snow dump we have had this winter.  It began to snow very early Sunday AM in the dark and kept it up all through the day.  The City snowplows ran late, but we had nowhere to go so it did not matter to us.  And our guy came to plow our driveway at  7:45 that evening. The snow had drifted to  better than a foot in some spots.  Monday morning I shoveled the walkway because this year he does not  do that, last year he had guys who used a snow blower and shovel on that but this year he is working alone on the Bobcat.  So I have been getting winter workouts.  This year seems more difficult than last, perhaps the familiarity has made it more of a chore, a necessity.   

Snow hill in front of pharmacy blocking parking access. 

I had to go to the Pharmacy to pick up a prescription for Jerry.  Yesterday I had noticed a huge hill of snow in the street in front of the pharmacy.  The snow was huge and eliminated 3 parking spaces on the street making it a big challenge for the more feeble folks around town.  And they rely on the small town pharmacy.  I thought it was a very strange thing for the city snowplows to build such a mountain there but thought no more of it.  Likely they were running short handed or behind on snowplowing from the storm.  . While uptown yesterday I saw the City excavating, moving snow mts out.  They do a generally good job opf that here in our little town that fancies itself a city, with Mayor, town council and all the administrative accompaniments that consume our taxes.  However I never complain about the city taxes because I believe we benefit from the services like the prompt continuous snowplows that keep our streets and roads cleared and accessible all winter.  Many places are not so fortunate.  

But yesterday I heard while in the pharmacy that here in La Crescent, straining to be a city, life is not imitating art but imitating the Charmin toilet paper commercial.  That is the one that has been regularly on TV lately with the Charmin bears discussing who will pick up the panties on the bathroom floor.  "I'm not picking it up, you pick it up," declares Mama Bear to Papa Bear and so the conversation goes between them.   But this is not about toilet paper but about comedy, sometimes  not so funny.  You have likely heard a the phrase "life imitating art"  which I googled to learn it too has a term, " Anti-mimesis "  It means a philosophical position, the notion that an event in the real world was inspired by a creative work,What is found in life and nature is not what is really there, but is that which artists have taught people to find there, through art.  Oscar Wilde opined in his 1889 essay The Decay of Lying that, "Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life"  But I am digressing because  what I learned is not about  art but more about the preposterousness that can go on in  a small city when foolish bureaucrats believe they are important and begin to assume a sense of power.  I know it happens in all levels of corporations, governments, and anywhere where a small minded individual begins to feel important.  

I

City hauling off snow  with equipment, to the river

mentioned that I had seen the City was at work removing snow hills from the area near the fire hall and perhaps they would get to this one next or soon.  Talking about the inconvenience of the snow mountain on the street outside the pharmacy with the pharmacist, I mentioned that it seemed strange for the city snow plows to leave such a hillside. Now I am able and can park across the street at the market and walk over, wade through, negotiate the obstacles.  But many are much more feeble and cannot, especially difficult for those with limitations like walkers and canes.  He told me the rest of the story, that apparently it was not the city crew but whoever snowplows the small nearby parking lot which has access to a local tavern and a CP/A office.  He said they were having a problem over this and  in my words, not his, some City Fool declared "that's not the City's snow" and decided La Crescent will not remove this snow mt blocking parking spaces on the city street by the pharmacy..Apparently dumped there from an adjacent parking lot. I hope the next time they pile it in front of City Hall. I said, "Someone should put a big sign out there saying"  "Not the City's Snow?"  Too bad some petty fool has decided to play out the "I'm not picking it up you pick it up" commercial. 

Small towns with time to do better. Today I called to register my annoyance and was assured that the City will get to it. Not sure what happened but this was better and easier than I expected. And so although this was my  FB post yesterday I thought it worth putting here.

January thaw days

Back motor home coach house/shop/garage

Back deck railings shed snow

They say spring cannot be far when the January thaw begins.  But I have learned living here in MN for 15 years that it is a deceptive month, often not as close to spring as we are ready for it to be. Look carefully at the roof line behind the tall trees.   This picture of the motor coach building out back shows that the snow is beginning to melt and recede from the metal roof, that is a good sign.  Once it is gone from the roof and stays gone I will believe spring is on its way.  At least it is warmer,  30 to 36 degrees, yet the overcast and lack of bright sunshine makes it not seem so.  It is downright gloomy. More melt evidence here on the back deck step railings, snow has fallen off and even the back steps from the garage are cleared although I have not shoveled. Our driveway is cleared, but I did  shovel it twice this week, or more accurately scraped and shoveled as there was only a dusting that was melting.  Not wanting it to freeze overnight or through the day, I cleared it.  So much nicer when the snow begins to self remove as on the back garage steps.  

Back garage steps self removing snow

.Wikipedia notes " January thaw is a term applied to a thaw or rise in temperature in mid-winter found in mid-latitude North America. ... For five days around January 25, temperatures are usually significantly warmer than predicted by the sinusoidal estimate, and also warmer than neighboring temperatures on both sides".  Yes the last few days have been warmer despite the gloom.  My back muscles are thankful that there have been  the past 2 days so far without my having to take shovel in hand.  Everything is staying cleared.    

Part of our drive and front walkway from garage door windows

The Old Farmer's Almanac has this to say" Talk about a change in the weather (not that we’re complaining), but does that mean we’re in for a January “thaw?”

The January Thaw, like Indian Summer, is more than just another piece of fanciful weather lore. Annual averages really do show a slight temperature increase, and subsequent dip, during the final week of January. On average, January 23 is the coldest day of the year in much of the Northern Hemisphere. Almost exactly six months later sits July 24, the warmest day of the year, on average. Between those two dates, average daily temperatures show a fairly predictable rate of increase. While there may be deviations from that pattern during any given year, the model holds true when looked at over a period of several years.  During the January Thaw, which usually lasts for about a week, temperatures rise an average of 10° F higher than the previous week, then drop back down in time for February’s arrival. Though it’s called a “thaw,” the January Thaw doesn’t necessarily melt away snow and ice during its stay. In areas where winter weather is exceptionally cold, temperatures during the thaw may not even rise above freezing. More temperate regions, however, may even experience what could be described as a “false spring.”  Though they are a verified weather phenomenon, January Thaws don’t happen every year. In order for a singularity like the January Thaw to be recognized, it only has to appear slightly more than 50 percent of the time.  That’s the beauty of weather; though predictable to some degree, it always keeps us on our toes.

So life here in MN, confining and idling keeps thoughts on the weather, we talk about it a lot.  As the deacon mentioned last night , "What do we talk about in MN this time of year, weather, whether or not.  And  it is gloomy" He went on to remind us that as long as we are faithful Jesus keeps the light on in our hearts, hard to focus on that when not at mass.