twisted life, shattered, my rambling commentary,

Some days, most days lately this dark cloud hangs over our lives..Life has gone downhill and somedays it accelerates.  In June Jerry was diagnosed with return of the lung cancer.  No further treatment could be given.  That suspiciously malignant appearing spot on another lung along with his lung fibrosis made him untreatable, no further surgery could be expected and chemo was now out of question.  The oncologist could not predict but said 6 months to a year.   We accepted the diagnosis,  what choice does one have, with faith and holding hands.  COVID made this a teleconference, zoom with the doctor..

First snowfall October 25

This after his siege of recurring adhesions from the 40 some year ago intestinal surgery.  The adhesions would flare up in his gut unexpectedly, no warnings, no way to prevent and would require hospitalization.  The last time in June meant inserting a permanent gastric drain tube into his stomach that we could drain whenever an episode might flare up...so far that has not happened but enough else has to where he is under hospice care at home and each day goes along,  That is the short of it and I say without reservation that this is sheer hell, unexpected, and nothing we ever could have planned for.  We though we'd have more time.  Jerry feels cheated, there was so much else yet he wanted to do in life.  I am devastated but put on a good front, for him and to keep myself steady.  Deep in my heart I have suspected that someday I would be a widow because Jerry is 7 years older than me.  But with the longevity in his family nothing was anticipated this soon and his overall good health gave us hope that has now shown to be  so false...we really never knew what lurked ahead.

It has been an awful year.  Have lost 3 close friends, one  to suicide as his health was failing and he could not face getting any worse.  A tragic year.. I am learning how to take care of things I never had even considered, so much Jerry did.  Fortunately friends help and I can afford to call professionals for major things like the new humidifier for the furnace.  I have signed up with the same company for annual inspections of the heating, air conditioning, maintenance and change of filter, etc,  all things beyond me.  

We had our first snowfall of winter Sunday.  Fortunately we only had  about under 2 inches, no shoveling required and roads cleared.  But it is too early.  It is like life right now, a long cold spell...I have yet outside chores to finish and somehow it will get done.  But my focus is caring for Jerry.  His world has shrunk to one from his hospital bed which we have in the living room alongside this window so he can look outside.  He can get up into his adjacent chair to sit and make it the few steps to the bathroom and back but that is it.  This has changed so much, so fast just from June.  He has more bad days than good.  We have home health aide help once a week to assist Jerry, gets him bathed and feeling ok. 

I am rambling but there is so much I want to get out and so I will be writing circuitously...but since I no longer have blog followers, my closest readers/friends have all passed away, I can use this space as I best can.  I know I am not the only one who has been on this path,  I know other widows.  But yet it is different for me, there was only us two.  All other family gone, our only son, Steve dead almost 12 years ago now.  Jerry's sister lives in CO with her family.  He has a son in CA , Al calls once a month maybe, obligatory I suppose it makes him feel that he is doing all he can.  He does not listen does not hear does not comprehend anything beyond himself.  He repeats  he is there if I need anything!  Sure, right, and immediately says he doesn't know what he could do.  I agree,  I do not want him flying here, picking up Covid in the airport or on the plane.  I have been so extremely cautious during this covid hell, not only do I not want any of it I cannot risk bringing it o Jerry, it would be game over for sure.  It is all I can do to maintain speaking,  he drove here end of May with his wife, a very sweet person...covid had things closed, they stayed at the local hotel, he was bored and then they were gone.  His efforts were exasperating for me, but he did what he thought was good, never taking time to understand, always the  attitude that he knew, messed up things for me worse than I needed and they were gone.  I was not a good hostess.  This was over Memorial Day  prior to the terminal diagnosis but still Jerry was on a recovery road from hospitalizations. I know he meant well, yet he knows zip about us, about his father, and never asks to listen.. I do not feel he truly cares, he makes a monthly or less effort and with casual phone call, "how's it going? How are you doing?" and yet does not pretend to listen, I do not say much to him, why waste my breath.  If he cared he would be in touch as day by day things happen, change, so someone so out of touch shows nothing.  He lives in self satisfied state of delusion, all is good, happy and says they know what I'm going through yet I know he does not have a clue.  How could he, because Angel's mom died too.  They do not know, they were not sole caretaker 24/7 without anyone...losing a parent is the natural order of the universe, tragic but not unusual...see there I ramble again.  I could write on forever just about this situation but I leave it....I am not the only one who has traveled this path,  I know too many widows.  I have lost too many contemporaries and I am exhausted mostly every day.  

Jerry in June when he still dressed.

Thank God that Jerry's sister, Barb has been here twice from Denver for long stays and to help out,  she has been a real Godsend and relief for me. She could always find something to do, nothing that needed direction nor guidance from me.  I think I am strong, was always used to being in control, and always optimistic and I suppose happy.  Yet today end of October I find my entire attitude has twisted along with this siege of life.   Thankful for my faith that still sustains me although at times my prayers and talks with God center on. "how could You allow this?"  I think I have been through more than enough in one lifetime, but no now it is the ultimate torture.  Jerry no longer gets dressed, will not even put on socks nor allow me to help him, he sits in his undershirt, one far too huge for him and shorts.  This from a man who always wore cowboy boots and jeans..this picture of him holding the certificate from Mayo was in June when he was still getting dressed daily, when he could walk to the kitchen and sat at the table to eat. Today he eats off a tv tray in front of his chair in the living room.  I carry food back and forth.  He has been on oxygen 24/7 for a long time and now along with the machine he needs a supplemental tank to just walk to the bathroom and back and secures it with an oxygen mask along with the tubes. Jerry  has lost over 40 pounds.  Some days he will not eat when he struggles to breathe it wears him out.  l get frustrated,  this is killing me too.  

Watching the love of my life, my husband of 53 years waste away, watching him gasp for breath, doing what I can and yes breaking down more than I would ever have imagined.  That is why I am writing here at last.  To vent frustration ....to release some of what I hold inside.  I am ever thankful for local friends who can do  many things to help,  they are my life savers today.  I am worried about the motor coach, our dream castle on wheels that is parked in its house here,  I have  not had time to figure out an appraisal nor to work online with the American Coach Association to list it for sale.  And sell it I must,  I will never drive it anywhere,  42 foot diesel pusher tag axle, it took us a lifetime to get that upscale and now our dreams for it and life traveling more are shattered.