Likely my last post of 2020

 

December 11, here at home after fighting lung fibrosis and cancer for months, Jerry, my wonderful husband, the love of my life, my everything  while holding my hand took his last breath and slipped away into eternal peace and light.  Immediate a  look of peace and comfort washed over his face and he was gone.  It has been a siege but I am doing well.  I think because I know I did my best. 

 When we got the terminal diagnosis in late June that a suspicious spot had returned on his lung, that his lung fibrosis was accelerating, and no further  treatments could be pursued, we thought we had more time, we even thought he could prove the doctors wrong.   He said he felt so cheated there was so much more he wanted to do, places he wanted to travel in our coach, the castle on wheels. At that time I looked at him and vowed  "I will never put you in a nursing home.  If it is the last thing I do on this earth I will take care of you at home."  I did that,  I kept my promise.  It was not easy especially the  as he  became weaker and weaker.  He hated weakness and not being able to do anything. He apologized for the "hell he was putting me through"  He told me many times that he did not want to leave me.  I think when I was really able to assure him that I would be OK, he was able to give up the fight.  

 His world had  shrunk to our home, then our living room, then to his chair and hospital bed, ultimately to the hospital bed.  Our living room became his hospital room.  His last week of life was  roughest,  he was weak and so tired,  he had not been eating for weeks but whatever he wanted, eggs, pudding, ice cream  no matter what time of the day or night, I got that for him. It was not Jerry in that bed.  Miraculously he had hardly any pain just struggling to breathe, gasping at  times despite the oxygens concentrator that supplied him with supplemental oxygen 24/7 and  even more supplement using a mask from a supplemental tank.  He said the fibrosis was trying to kill him.  I  had been sleeping with one ear open for months but the last week I slept kind of on the living room couch with an ear and eye open lest he want something in the middle of the night. His last day of life was not expected nor predicted.  The hospice nurse had been here earlier.  No one predicted he had a week, days or when the time would be.  The fact is no one knows,  It is in God's hands alone.   

Preston Veterans Cemetery

I have not had to rush to make decisions. We had things set up.  He is cremated and will be interred at Preston Veterans Cemetery  near here, our newest MN Veterans cemetery  https://mn.gov/mdva/memorials/stateveteranscemeteries/minnesota-state-veterans-cemetery-preston.jsp.He would have liked that,approved of this choice I made. 

I am waiting until late spring, for the interment and the ceremony, our winter weather is not conducive to an outside event. I have no desire to stand in the snow or howling winds.  Perhaps this lousy pandemic will have subsided and then the few family can travel back for the service.  Jerry wanted nothing at all only taps and military send off.  He will get that for sure and be at rest among others who served our country.  When I am done I can be interred there too with him.  I  have not yet decided whether I will choose a columbarium of burial,  but lean toward the columbarium niche. I have time, something I have an abundance of these  days. 

There is so much to write about and I may chime in  sometime as I find myself wondering and wandering around the house.   Most of this saga I have shared daily on Facebook with friends  who kept in touch that way and who are  all over the country.  Now I am having to get used to a different life,  my final chapter,  solo.  After 53 years of marriage.  Although we had separate interests we were together through all that life threw at us.  We had a great life, we really did,  we expected it to go on longer.  But God had a different plan, why only HE knows. 

I have been working on the full obituary for Jerry to be run in the  paper sometime after these holidays, no rush.  I edit it daily.  I have been challenged to find a photo of just him,  I did not want one from his declining days here at home with oxygen canula, etc.  I was astounded that so many of the photos I have were not of Jerry alone,  most every photo  was with me.  But then over 53 years, he was ever with me.  I know he still is and he will be watching me from Beyond just as he said he would.  The first, top pic  is the one I will run for his obituary and had to crop it..  He loved that hat, wore it everywhere, it was him so the more formal pictures we had taken on cruises, etc are not how most remember him.  I used this next photo on FB to let folks know he had gone on to a better place.  This was 2018, again with the hat at a rest stop in SD on our way to an American Coach Rally. It's him,  my Wagonmaster.  My everything who now is eternally in light and comfort. 

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