Memoir writing

A chill winter wind is hanging around today and with the grey overcast temperatures are not conducive to a walk.  Nope it is the kind of weather that makes me retreat inside.  It also makes me sleepy.  But at least it is better than a year ago when we had snow on this day, so I saw in my FB reminder photo today.  So I will not complain too much.  I have enough to keep me busy inside.  

 I started blogging years ago at the urging of a few dear friends and relatives who enjoyed my letters and my writings and felt I had a gift, something to say, something to share.  They have all since passed on and joined my angel tribe.  I lost my primary blog audience but I kept at it as  a pass time outlet, to record things about the travels we were on, sometimes to record something I did not want to forget about and often especially lately in my grief, I write to vent.  This is a safe enough space to me because it is not read and certainly not read by  a particular person who has pushed my buttons.  For a time there were a couple groups I wrote with and enjoyed but they too finally went by the wayside, one was Sepia Saturday posts and there I share a lot about my ancestors.  It helped me  in my genealogical research too.  

For a time I stepped fully away from blogging here and chose Facebook as primary communication.  It still is and a preferred way that I can keep in touch with so may all over the country at the same time.  But with Jerry's passing I migrate back here sometimes to write.  It serves as akind of journal for me.  

I used to think that someday I might write my memoir.  So when I saw the following by author Sue Monk Kidd on Facebook today I decided to copy it here to preserve the thoughts.  

Sue Monk Kidd

 For the woman I overheard say she wants to write a memoir, but can’t help feeling it’s self-indulgent…

May I go on record here. Writing memoir is gloriously self-indulgent and I’m perfectly okay with that. Women have been told so many times to be selfless that it can actually feel uncomfortable when we attempt to search for one.

When I write memoir, I’m undoubtedly in search of wholeness. Maybe I’m trying to resolve something, heal a wound, redeem some part of myself that has been orphaned or lost, or give a voice to what has been silenced. Maybe I’m trying to step into my truth. Maybe I’m trying to reveal myself to myself.

But here’s something I didn’t expect. Writing memoir can also be gloriously other-indulgent. The process not only takes me into myself, it frees me from myself. When I manage to distill my experience into meaning and integrate that meaning into my life through the creation of a narrative, I make it possible to move on without all the preoccupation and unconscious pull of the experience. It’s the unexamined experience that wreaks the most havoc in my life and in my relationships.

The surprise is always this. The deeper we delve into our own lives, the more likely we are to tap into a universal experience. We find the portal to everyone.

Daffodils

 

Late yesterday between rain showers I picked daffodils that began to bloom last week when he had warmer balmy spring days.  I remind myself that April showers bring May flowers. I  shared this on Facebook and commented how I intend to plant more bulbs this fall.  I used to plant bulbs every year when we lived in California on my birthday.  But here by the time November arrives I am either too tired out from all the leaves I have cleared and or it is already too cold and wet for me to be digging and or I neglect to buy bulbs ahead of time and they are not available locally when my intentions arise.  So I made a note on the calendar.  We will see.  But I thought about CA and how I wished I had a picture of those blooms.  Back then, I did not have the easy access to tablet and cell phones.  Cell phones were new and for travel or emergency only, lacking the camera features of todays.  And too, I never thought about photoing the bulbs.  I took it for granted that they would always reappear.  It is so easy to take things for granted when younger and busy with career and family and just all the things of life.  Today I have seems like all the time I needed back then and the hours sometimes go too slowly.  

I did find a couple of poor photos taken 1999 of the early blooms in CA where January heralded first blooms.  On one bank I had abundant white Dutch iris  mixed with the white jonquils and along another fence the yellow King Alfreds had already begun to appear.  I scanned both photos together. It was dark so this probably was taken after I got home from work.  The crape myrtle tree trunk is barren here.  I reflected a bit on "those were the days.." and I suppose the refrain, we thought they'd never end...at least back then I did not give much attention to ends.  Life has changed though.

The rains have passed for today and although it is cloudy and cool I will get out there for a short walk on this Divine Mercy Sunday.  Later I will link in to a mass at my old home church St Mary's of Czestchowa in New Kensington via zoom.  I am  excited about this virtual opportunity to go home. :Few things lately have had me that excited so I will appreciate this relief. 

Fake it until you make it.

 I do not know where I heard that or if I made it up, but yesterday it came to me  clearly.  I am doing just that.  When moments come, I push through and let them pass.  Now that the weather is warm and spring appears here to stay I can work outside, dig in the dirt and keep busy that way.   Dandelions, first bursts are showing in nearby fields, seems like overnight after just with a couple warm days, thankful we have a lawn service that sprays our yard to prevent these prolific weeds. I snapped these alongside the school on my walk yesterday.  

 

Yesterday I was busy, bought rosemary, basil and parsley at Home Depot and planted them.  Love that scent of rosemary which I pot each year.  Really enjoy cutting my own fresh herbs to use in my meals..

Dirt digging lifts my spirits I have been doing it all my life, early memories  with my granpap Teofil digging in the dirt, maybe I was 4?  And this year is no different.  I resisted a  temptation yesterday to buy more roses  for the very diminished front rose garden, but going along the aisles I talked myself out of it.  Jerry was better at digging the deeper holes for rose bushes, here  and I worry about their winter survival.  I have lost most of the ones I started with. In summer we get the dreadful Japanese beetles here and they have no repellant so that means I have to catch them by hand, usually early in the morning and drown them in a jar, just like my grandma Rose did except her jar had kerosene and I use only detergent in water.  I guess I will have to be content with my memories of my 400 roses in CA.   

Yesterday our snow plow guy stopped by with his bill for March and said he was done with snow but I should not worry because if we get a storm he will plow me out..  I agreed I am very done with snow too and now that I have dragged the furniture out onto the deck from the season room, it is done.  I now have reclaimed the season room for living in.  I like to sit there the few times I do sit down thru the day.  It is peaceful,. An afternoon glass of wine goes perfectly there.  

Being a local friend too he asked me how I was doing and getting used to being by myself.  I told him it is not easy after 53 years this is a new routine  but I am not the only one living alone and I will fake it till I make it.  He said, Well you might not always be alone, you are a good looking woman and some guy will come around."  To which I almost shouted, "not for me never ever.."  He laughed and said he knew he'd get a rise out of me that way.  I suppose it was a complement as well as a tease, but  I still miss Jerry and know I will forever,.  I cannot expect different after 53 years.   No one will ever replace him.  I am financially ok and do not have to  move nor adjust my lifestyle downward, do not have to work, did not have to make anymore quick decisions changing things.  That is positive, many are not so fortunate, but we planned carefully and I worked at my career 34 years, and we saved.  So here I am faking until I make it.     

No Skin Off My Nose

Judging behavior not the person and based on experiences.  I tell myself "no skin off my nose" about things I try to not let bother me lately and often I find it is what I try to convince myself of with the annoyances of what Jerry's son does or does not do.  Yes, supposed to be my son too after being married to his father for 53 years, but I do not feel that comfortable with him and I do not believe he does with me either.  After all his head has been directed by his mother and even though he was here through and on Jerry's last day, and did what he felt he could, the attitude resumes. While here he sat with his phone most often.  Was ready to leave as fast  as he could which was ok with me. No way  would I try to explain to him that just maybe a bit of support would have been nice.  The words and promises, "if you need anything just call me..."  Sure, as if it were that easy.  They live in CA, we/me in MN.  So that is empty to me.  

Actions speak louder than words and lack of being in touch and overall lack of concern  resonate clearly with me. Now not even occasional texts from DIL. What else did I expect?  Not much really but guess I had hoped for better.  What has me referring to no skin off my nose is the latest  as time approaches for Jerry's committal service in May. "We'll be there" he said when he was here and on the phone since.  And they will.  We means he, DIL, and adult grand daughter and grandson.  Although both grands are married with their own lives (?) they are still interwoven.  That is how they live and it is a lifestyle neither Jerry nor I understood having been independent people who managed to live away from family and who raised our late son to be independent as well.  Not so they. So he called to say they had booked their hotel suite  would fly the day before the service and leave a day after.  Staying at a hotel across the river in La Crosse.  I ponder why other than they know it is the "right thing to do" they are  flying in for the service.  Perhaps he really does care, but this feels very nonchalant.  Obviously no concern about if I might need something because there will be no time for it.  I can hear Jerry telling me, "you expect too much from people"   

At least the granddaughter is in touch, phones at times and talks.  I feel a closeness, love for her.  The grandson, nope not after his snit when we were in CA in 2015.  He hurt Jerry and never apologized and so I was done then and  remain done. When I am through I am really through, truly a no skin reaction.   Perhaps it is defensive on my part to not experience the same treatment again.  I prefer to think I am wiser  than I used to be and have learned that when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.  Do not give them another chance to show you.  Forgive, sure but that does not mean interact or return for another dose.  I would love to have had time to spend just with granddaughter who called to share her exciting news that she is pregnant, expecting their first  in September.  Her hubby will not be coming along, someone has to take care of the home and their 3 dogs! But that will not be either and Mom and Dad are in control. 

I am also a bit disappointed that SIL will not be staying longer, but her partner is coming with her and he has a medical appointment on May 10, the service is May 7, so they will need to return to Denver quickly.  What was I expecting?  Maybe that she would be able to stay for a week or so and  spend time with me.  Yet I understand and she did a lot when Jerry was ill.  Marty has issues to be dealt with and yet he is making the effort to be here in support.  And Jerry reminds me from afar beyond, "you expect too much from people.  Expect nothing and they will not disappoint you.".  

 I did not realize my expectations were so high but now I am learning that really they are.  When I got annoyed about something Jerry would remind me to "consider the source. People  only know what they know. For some with limited life experiences they do not know much.  

I suppose I expected that they might have a taste of  grief I am working along.  Maybe they do.  I am perhaps looking through my own expectations and how I have and continue to act  helping through deaths, burials, funerals.  It was never about me, always about them. Now that it is central to me, I feel it is still just about them for their convenience for fitting into whatever all else they have happening.  I suppose I expected that these really were concerned about me just a little, and yet now I clearly feel not so and I am disappointed.  I know I am on my own.  I know I will survive.  And I know I will get through this.  

I will be here alone again right after the committal. nothing new, I have been alone these month s now since December.  I will deal with myself and my grief  just as I  have been doing.   I will survive because I have to.  But this has been a  reminder that all I have is me and the Lord. and my friends here whom I try not to pester.   

 I  follow a FB group, "Grief Speaks Out" and usually always gain some tidbit of wisdom or comfort from reading, and commenting.  Most of us in that site are currently in grief stages,  some have been there for years, some are new to yet another grief, like me,  some are young, some are old.  The other day we agreed how grief does not have a timeline. 

I think I am doing well and most who see me agree.  Some marvel, some wonder, I suppose.  But only a few really know that this is the most lifechanging event for me,  possibly worse than losing Steve, our son, because after all, I still had Jerry and he was my rock.  Few know me well enough to realize and the truth is most people are talk and that's where it stops.  

Best to not reflect on what is beyond our control and on those things we cannot change. Survival means  getting back to it, no skin off my nose. .  

Lenten Meditation on why me

 

Yesterday's meditation in the Little Black Book, pictured on  the left,  appropriately reflects a lesson about the crosses we get to bear in life.  been through can share.   When Jerry was so ill and coming to the last months of his lfe, our PCP told me at my annual visit, "we all get our crosses to bear."  So true and I was certainly thinking why me, why him, why us, why now, just WHY?

Years ago in PA a longtime friend and I were commiserating.  we have both lost adult children, a grief only those who have encountered can share.  We admitted that at times we thought this "why me?" As we talked about the questions we would be asking the Lord at the end of our time on earth, my friend said, "likely when we ask why, why me?"  we might be shocked to hear the Lord respond, "why not you,  you are nobody special."  

Ever since, I have followed my why me thoughts with that response, yes indeed, why not. Some of us are given heavier crosses certainly, but if we have faith and trust, the Lord will bear them with us.  This does not ease some of the pangs of misery that we feel at the moment but it can provide comfort.  

This Lenten meditation was another good reminder....it happens in this existence,  our life here on earth.  We can only try to Be Still and Be Not Afraid.   

"Happiness can only be achieved by looking inward and learning to enjoy whatever life has, and this requires transforming greed into gratitude."

— St. John Chrysostom

Grief stages and reality of aloneness

Before mass the other Saturday evening, our deacon  asked me how I was doing and said he thinks about me frequently.  I  replied, "I am doing good, I think,  and others seem to say so too.  I have my moments but I expect them and I let them be."   He asked how long we had been married and when I told him 53 years, he replied, "when you share a lifetime together like that and that is a lifetime for many and beyond a lifetime for others, you can expect to grieve.  It is absolutely perfectly natural."  I shared with him that I think I am at peace, if this is peace because I know I did all I could for those months and the last hardest weeks, when I so worried about how I would continue to care for him as he became weaker and could hardly get up out of bed.  All I could do was pray.  But God was with me and still is always. I knew Jerry despised becoming frail and feeble, his main complaint was he hated not being able to do anything, he would say, "I can't do anything."  He had always been strong, healthy. He had overcome and survived. At Jerry's last breath when he gasped and was gone immediately and I saw the peaceful look of comfort that came all over his face immediately, I knew he was better off, that his struggle ended with victory of eternal rest and that we will be together again, that we will be together in my heart here on earth as long as I live."  "  He agreed that my faith is my great sustainer and I replied, "yes, I know ...it has held me through the loss of my only son and others...it is all I have left and it will just have to be there for me.  Somehow I always suspected I might become4 a widow because Jerry was 7 years older than me, but with his health and the longevity of his family, his genes surely meant a long life ahead.  He would tease that he would see 100 and surely he could have if those lungs had not been ravaged." 

Later, after mass, at home, I pondered  if all the practice I have had these past few years in losing  my dearest to deaths has numbed me or prepared me.  I have been blessed with little despair, not the  weeping and sobbing as some do at all.  The losses may have helped me to realize that death is the end of this life for each and every one of us, no one gets out of this life alive. It certainly has required me to become resilient, but then I had Jerry alongside me as my rock, now  just me and God.  I have had plenty of grief rehearsals. 

Currently a longtime friend from PA is grieving  and marking her first a month loss of her husband.  But she has family and  from her FB posts her daughter stays the night with her,  she does not face aloneness and seems to be unable to cope.  She is truly mournful to the depths.  I feel sorry for her and yet, I feel a bit annoyed.  I think, "get a hold of yourself, you have support, family people right there....and remember you are not the only widow in the world."  But I do not say that to her,  I  only do as others, offer a few encouraging words and  will send her another card soon.  And yet I compare to myself and my situation.  I know we are different people and perhaps I am super strong because I have to be. There is no one who will shoulder this with me.  There are days when I hear from nobody and on gloomy cold wintry days I keep myself busy inside doing something, any project, because I have no human contact.  I can make phone calls and I do.  I can post to FB and talk with others and I do, but it is not the same as having another person around.  But I just have to get used to it,  Jerry is not coming back.  This I know.  

t is now just me and I must do my darndest no matter what.  I must take care of me.  I promised Jerry I would.  In fact I think once I got it into his mind that I would be ok and he believed that he was free to leave this earth.  The last week he would say, "you are strong, you will be ok, and I will always watch for you." This little cartoon I saw years ago is so appropriate, . 

 

My mother and father 
 1943 Charleston, SC

I  think back over my family and all the women who became widows, not a one of them sat around and wept nor carried on.  It just is not our way, not that they did not grieve, they too were hurt, devastated, but they knew life must go on. I think of my Mom, pregnant with me,  WWII era and my father a B24 pilot in the Army Air Corps.  He and his plane and entire crew disappeared into the Atlantic.  No trace ever found.  Mom was
young only 20 and alone there in South Carolina when she got that dreadful news, her mother, my grandmother went to her on the train and brought her back to PA. Mom always said, "life is for the living."  She did remarry and life did go on.  My grandma became a widow later in life and then immediately moved into our house.  Years later when she came out to CA to help me, a dumb young, struggling single mother, she said that she wished she would have had a way to keep her own place instead of moving in and  cautioned me to always be able to take care of myself.  Life was different then for her, she had no income. She said back then that "you never know what life will throw at you so just be sure to keep your hands folded to the Lord.  

Something else that has given me strength is my foundation in change management in career days, way back when I was implementing quality teams, etc.  Part of the training focused on the stages of grief based on the  research work of Elizabeth Kubler Ross into deaths.  Death is the ultimate change.  We learned about DABDA, and how some people cycle back and around and may become perpetually stuck in one cycle or another.  She asserts there are  5 stages of grief, reflected by the first letter of each, and peoples reactions vary.  They may not  smoothly flowing from one stage to another.  They may not move through the stages in a linear way.   

• Denial   What?  Can't be.  Will not happen.  No way
• Anger   How can this happen.. I do not deserve this. This is not fair. Where's God?
• Bargaining  Just another month, year, day, etc.  I will be a better person.  I will do.....
• Depression  My heart is broken.  I can't go on. I want to die.   
• Acceptance      So this is the end.  Let me be still.  I can go on.  I must persevere

I feel blessed and that my faith has me at acceptance.  That my faith and life brought me to this.  And though I do not like it,  I wouldn't have chosen this, it is now here .And I must go on, alone.  And keep my faith.

 

WIDOWHOOD

 The following  appeared today on a friend, AWON sibling's FB post.  Joyce is also a widow.  This hits the bullseye for me,  I have had so many of these thoughts.  Today is Valentine's Day.  I almost totally forgot it, first time in over 50 years.  I would have too if not for talking with sister in law on phone who sent me a card and a chocolate bar.   Another friend posted on FB  the roses her family had sent her to continue  the tradition her hubby, whom she lost in Oct.,  had of bringing her roses on Valentine's Day.  This is my first year in ever so long without roses too.  I suppose if I had not been stuck inside at home waiting out these sub zero temps I might have been tempted to buy some for myself.  I did not face that nor the heart tug that would have gotten to me watching guys buy for their sweeties.  This is a sad day now for me.  But I will make some phone calls and keep busy with polishing the wooden trims upstairs, doors, baseboards, a project I started a couple days ago.  A project Jerry always helped with.  Now it is my solitary task and I need the step stool to reach the tops of the doors, trims, etc. We have lots of wood in this house and the project takes me days.  Busyness, my antidote.

ONE MORE DAY·

“Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation. 

Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection. 

Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you. 

Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.  

Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s and without them you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously. 

Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone, like a mist of a dream you begin to wonder if it happened at all. 

Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without them. 

Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you. 

Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not their spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for all those years? What is your purpose if the job of investing into your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here? 

Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination. 

Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. No body next to you. No partner to share your burden. 

Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet. 

Yes. It is much more than simply missing their presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time. 

Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth. 

Widowhood…..,,,,,is life changing."

 By: Alisha Bozarth

Journaling for health and well being

 Somehow I have known this for a long time but now Mayo Clinic agrees publicly that journaling is beneficial.  I have begun using this blog as my journal because since returning here sporadically there are no followers.  That's ok with me, I can journal away, working my way through winter isolation in this season of my grief.   I suppose these days of pandemic and more isolation to more people countrywide bring on more feelings of isolation and loom.   I have copied and pasted here as a self reminder, what Mayo says:

Journaling: Why it's good for you, how to do it  By Mayo Clinic Staff   Do you ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed, stressed or anxious? One often-overlooked way to deal with these feelings is journaling.  "As situations become stressful, we can easily become overwhelmed and caught up in trying to just get through the day," says Craig Sawchuk, Ph.D., L.P., psychologist and co-chair of Mayo Clinic's Division of Integrated Behavioral Health. "Journaling is a helpful way to take time out to reflect and focus on where you're at this moment and how you have been doing."       

The power of journaling  Journaling is one way to express your thoughts in a safe space and without judgment. It can help you organize your feelings, process worries or frustrations, or clarify a problem you're working on.  Journal writing also appears to reduce stress and increase well-being. In one study, adults who spent time journaling three days a week experienced several benefits. They reported less anxiety and depressive symptoms, and greater resilience.   Other studies have found that journaling may improve blood pressure, heart symptoms, self-care and quality of life.  Journaling can also help you stay focused on your progress toward health-related goals.  "Journaling increases self-accountability," says Dr. Sawchuk. "It can also create an opportunity for self-reinforcement by encouraging progress toward these goals."  

Getting started with journaling   There's no right way to journal. The key is finding the method that works best for you.  "Journaling can take on many forms," says Dr. Sawchuk. "It can be a brief stress-o-meter rating from 1-10, writing down the things you're grateful for, or an opportunity to set and check in on progress with goal setting."   The main idea, Dr. Sawchuk says, is that your journal entries are brief, focused, relevant and practical. He offers this advice for getting started:    

 Keep it simple. Don't worry about having a fancy journal or complicated journaling system. "Set the bar low to start," says Dr. Sawchuk. "The simpler the better!"     

Make it portable. Carry your journal with you so you can write when the inspiration hits. Or keep your journal on your smartphone, which is likely to be close by.   

Add it to your routine. Journal at around the same time each day — for instance, every morning or at night before you go to bed. It may be helpful to set an alarm to help you remember.   

Set time limits. "Set limits on how long you journal when you first start," says Dr. Sawchuk. "From 2 to 10 minutes is a good goal."   

Get creative. "Try to make it fun and creative," says Dr. Sawchuk. "The brain loves novelty, so having a cool looking way to journal may be more engaging than a pencil and a blank piece of paper."   

Bullet journaling, collages or illustrations are just three ways to be more creative in your journaling.   

Be yourself. Remember that no one else is going to see your journal. Free yourself up to write what you really think and feel.   

Don't let journaling add to your stress. Don't feel pressure to be a good writer, to have perfect penmanship or to use a fancy journal.    And be wary of trying to do too much with your journal. "Don't try to track so many things that you overwhelm yourself," says Dr. Sawchuk. "That would be counterproductive to the purpose of journaling."    

Don't get discouraged. Don't give up or be hard on yourself if you miss a day. "Each day is a new day to get back on track," says Dr. Sawchuk.

I do not agree with nor follow all these hints,  first I am not that self disciplined and long ago decided my journaling would occur when I felt like it or had the time, I could not make it another to do task and be stressed if I missed it.  I wanted release not another obligation.  

I am currently sorting through my collection of my journals that I wrote  with pen over so manyyears, especially when I was in my career days in CA.  I have often thought how irrelevant to my life today are all those things I fretted so about in the bureaucratic world of state government.  How seriously I took things that now are meaningless and when I read some of the worry I had over such trivial things I shake my head and wonder what I could have been thinking.  Still, it was my world then.  Who knows why I kept these, now something else to rid self and space of.  I think once upon a time I fantasized about writing a memoir and would need these as reminders.  I did not do that just like other grand  plans and ideas and now I have no interest to do so.  What for?  Bigger yet, who for?  

I have decided to destroy all those writings, they were my personal thoughts.  i have no one who needs to read them when I am gone and well frankly some things I would not care for anyone to read nor know.  They would ultimately get tossed, so I review a few pages now and then, usually in evening while I am watching tv and then tear the page.  Like looking through old photos, but these words do not puzzle me so much as photos can.  Especially if I did not write the  places, names and dates on the photos from way back, there can be people I do not know.  So I toss them.  

Most all my journals begin with a similar page at the very beginning.  Way back to advise anyone who might be tempted to read it that it would be best if they didn't.  To keep prying eyes away.  Jerry would never have done so I know so I was not as concerned about him as anyone else who might be around the house whenever.   This is a good wintry project.    

As our sub zero temperatures have continued and I am staying in for now the  3rd day in a row I look for things to do.  I have  occupied myself  the last two days  polishing wood upstairs, the  baseboards, doors, cabinetry in the bathrooms, the hallways all the extra bedroom doors.  I have a lot of wood and do not  really do this type of polishing shining but maybe once a year.  Jerry used to help out on this task but now it is another of those things I must do.  It eases the boredom and otherwise stir crazies that could overtake me.  I had intended to get out today but the winds howled this morning and the snow fell again and the weather advisory was stay in at -8 degrees when I got up this morning.  Granted that is warmer than the 25 below a  few nights ago.  

 I did a bit of driveway shoveling yesterday and cleared a path down the drive to the mailbox. Although it was zero degrees the sun was shining and I could work out there for a bit.  The snow dusting was not enough for the snow removal guy I hire to bother with so he did not show up yesterday.  He uses a small Bob cat.  So dustings are immaterial to him.  I wish I could hire someone to snow blow or shovel but that is a pipe dream these days. 

 I would have finished today but the additional morning snow made it  more than I care to deal with.  And yet he still has not come by, I hope he does tomorrow or yet this afternoon.  Otherwise  it will stay,  the walk will not be shoveled and I will drive over it, which I dislike doing but will to get out tomorrow or Monday.  Fortunately I do not need anything, I have enough food supply to eat for  many months here.  But I just like to  get some outside world contact.  Otherwise it is just me here.  That is the worst,  Phone calls help some yet it is very lonesome that I know.   

One more door to finish up here on teh main floor and then done until I tackle the kitchen Monday.  It keeps me busy and that is key to me.