Memoir writing

A chill winter wind is hanging around today and with the grey overcast temperatures are not conducive to a walk.  Nope it is the kind of weather that makes me retreat inside.  It also makes me sleepy.  But at least it is better than a year ago when we had snow on this day, so I saw in my FB reminder photo today.  So I will not complain too much.  I have enough to keep me busy inside.  

 I started blogging years ago at the urging of a few dear friends and relatives who enjoyed my letters and my writings and felt I had a gift, something to say, something to share.  They have all since passed on and joined my angel tribe.  I lost my primary blog audience but I kept at it as  a pass time outlet, to record things about the travels we were on, sometimes to record something I did not want to forget about and often especially lately in my grief, I write to vent.  This is a safe enough space to me because it is not read and certainly not read by  a particular person who has pushed my buttons.  For a time there were a couple groups I wrote with and enjoyed but they too finally went by the wayside, one was Sepia Saturday posts and there I share a lot about my ancestors.  It helped me  in my genealogical research too.  

For a time I stepped fully away from blogging here and chose Facebook as primary communication.  It still is and a preferred way that I can keep in touch with so may all over the country at the same time.  But with Jerry's passing I migrate back here sometimes to write.  It serves as akind of journal for me.  

I used to think that someday I might write my memoir.  So when I saw the following by author Sue Monk Kidd on Facebook today I decided to copy it here to preserve the thoughts.  

Sue Monk Kidd

 For the woman I overheard say she wants to write a memoir, but can’t help feeling it’s self-indulgent…

May I go on record here. Writing memoir is gloriously self-indulgent and I’m perfectly okay with that. Women have been told so many times to be selfless that it can actually feel uncomfortable when we attempt to search for one.

When I write memoir, I’m undoubtedly in search of wholeness. Maybe I’m trying to resolve something, heal a wound, redeem some part of myself that has been orphaned or lost, or give a voice to what has been silenced. Maybe I’m trying to step into my truth. Maybe I’m trying to reveal myself to myself.

But here’s something I didn’t expect. Writing memoir can also be gloriously other-indulgent. The process not only takes me into myself, it frees me from myself. When I manage to distill my experience into meaning and integrate that meaning into my life through the creation of a narrative, I make it possible to move on without all the preoccupation and unconscious pull of the experience. It’s the unexamined experience that wreaks the most havoc in my life and in my relationships.

The surprise is always this. The deeper we delve into our own lives, the more likely we are to tap into a universal experience. We find the portal to everyone.

Another good read, Ann Best's "In the Mirror."

In only two nights I read blog friend, Ann Best's just published memoir,  "In the Mirror, A Memoir o Shattered Secrets."  I met Ann here in the blog world when she was nearly at the end of the journey and about to be published so as soon as  I could I linked  from her blog to her publisher and  purchased a copy  which I began reading the very night it arrived.  You can go to Ann's blog here http://annbest-jen.blogspot.com/ and perhaps you too will purchase her  memoir.  I like to support other writers and have an unquenchable curiosity of their journeys.  Because I so prefer reading non-fiction to fiction, I was curious about another comment that this memoir read like fiction,  but  it does.  It reads like a very good to the point story.  Ann writes clearly and directly about her marriage and it's strange and tragic withering, her struggles,  her journey cross country from Utah to Virginia to start a new life and to care for her children as a single mother, her  Mormon faith, her through the wringer experience when  both daughters are in a dreadful auto accident, her holding on and moving forward barely an inch at a time and her survival.  I was touched by the fast reading of such a shattering experience because Ann covers the lifetime so quickly.  I can see why she plans to write more memoirs because she has hit the high  points, to stretch the word high and there are so many things she could have covered in greater depth.

 I  knew several Mormons when we lived in CA but  I learned more about their faith in this memoir by observing Ann, and her  perseverance; Ann does not delve into how it upheld her, but I feel it did.  The title of the book comes from the mirrors at Mormon weddings where reflections of the happy couple are to represent eternity, a hereafter together.  But it would not be for Ann.

I don't know that I could have been as tolerant and downright gracious as Ann  was through the separation and divorce from Larry, after a 19 year marriage which had trials along the way. It was a heavy cross to bear amidst putting the best face on a family life.  Ann writes about Larry in a soft way, almost endearing him.  I do not believe I  could  have accepted his repetitive  homosexual preferences nor tried to recall  marriage vows when he could not refrain from being with the men. My first thought was Aids!  But back at that time Aids was not  familiar.   I seriously doubt I'd have had it in me to offer him comfort as she does on Page 134 when their daughter is in the intensive care unit in Virginia  after the accident, "But in the quiet hospital room, I looked at his pleading eyes....". Don't  get the wrong idea, Ann has her foibles too, but what woman would not.  As I read about the marriage and Larry's "issues" I felt deep empathy and yet affirmation of my career path resulting from  a vow I had made to myself at age 20 to never be in a position where I would not be able to support myself or my child; I learned  from observing the trials of women in midlife whose marriages failed, or the husband died or some tragedy resulted in their being catapulted into the workforce about which they knew nothing.  I heard their stories of what they endured because they had no means of support and so I never ever became the dependent wife.  I could not help but think Ann might have dealt with this  so differently had she been able to easily enter the workforce.  But I digress.....    

Ann  mentions  mixed blessings and priesthood blessings from the Mormon leaders who upheld her and  reinforced her along the way.  Pg. 142, one blessing "You will probably have some pain for the rest of your life, but you can learn how to  endure it.  Trials are given to perfect us.  In the Spirit World we didn't know what pain was.  We had to come to earth to experience it. "   That is quite a thought to consider for those of us with faith,  why ever do we have to experience pain?  How does that perfect us or enrich us? 

When divorced Ann meets Tom, a "recovering alcoholic" my antenna twitched and as I feared,  and against warnings of friends and others she does marry him.  This becomes a sad mistake but Ann again tries to honor the marriage despite his relapses and amidst her caring for her disabled daughter.  Perseverance and pulling through could be her theme.  None of this is written in a pity party manner, it is simply the life path she followed, portrayed to encourage anyone who is struggling.   I was so touched when Ann leaves Virginia to return to Nevada, leaving the  home she had come to love in an area she had chosen.  Pgs. 199-200 describe  leaving what became home for the old home.  For anyone who has moved and uprooted and then settled in and then uprooted again, this is inspirational.  But Ann does return to Virginia ultimately, proving that the home we create never really leaves us and indeed we can go home again.  Over only 215 pages, Ann has a compelling tale to share.  There is more in the memoir about other incidents but you have to buy it and read it. 

I believe it is the testament to a tale well told that Ann skimmed over her life when so much more could be written.  It leaves me wanting to know more and I will look forward to her next writings.  I will recommend this to my book club next week.   I recommend this book to non-fiction memoir readers and to fiction readers because I understand the comment now.  It reads like a good story or a good story about a bad time. 

Click on the title to this post to go to Ann's blog and read more.