Actions speak louder than words and lack of being in touch and overall lack of concern resonate clearly with me. Now not even occasional texts from DIL. What else did I expect? Not much really but guess I had hoped for better. What has me referring to no skin off my nose is the latest as time approaches for Jerry's committal service in May. "We'll be there" he said when he was here and on the phone since. And they will. We means he, DIL, and adult grand daughter and grandson. Although both grands are married with their own lives (?) they are still interwoven. That is how they live and it is a lifestyle neither Jerry nor I understood having been independent people who managed to live away from family and who raised our late son to be independent as well. Not so they. So he called to say they had booked their hotel suite would fly the day before the service and leave a day after. Staying at a hotel across the river in La Crosse. I ponder why other than they know it is the "right thing to do" they are flying in for the service. Perhaps he really does care, but this feels very nonchalant. Obviously no concern about if I might need something because there will be no time for it. I can hear Jerry telling me, "you expect too much from people"
At least the granddaughter is in touch, phones at times and talks. I feel a closeness, love for her. The grandson, nope not after his snit when we were in CA in 2015. He hurt Jerry and never apologized and so I was done then and remain done. When I am through I am really through, truly a no skin reaction. Perhaps it is defensive on my part to not experience the same treatment again. I prefer to think I am wiser than I used to be and have learned that when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Do not give them another chance to show you. Forgive, sure but that does not mean interact or return for another dose. I would love to have had time to spend just with granddaughter who called to share her exciting news that she is pregnant, expecting their first in September. Her hubby will not be coming along, someone has to take care of the home and their 3 dogs! But that will not be either and Mom and Dad are in control.
I am also a bit disappointed that SIL will not be staying longer, but her partner is coming with her and he has a medical appointment on May 10, the service is May 7, so they will need to return to Denver quickly. What was I expecting? Maybe that she would be able to stay for a week or so and spend time with me. Yet I understand and she did a lot when Jerry was ill. Marty has issues to be dealt with and yet he is making the effort to be here in support. And Jerry reminds me from afar beyond, "you expect too much from people. Expect nothing and they will not disappoint you.".
I did not realize my expectations were so high but now I am learning that really they are. When I got annoyed about something Jerry would remind me to "consider the source. People only know what they know. For some with limited life experiences they do not know much.
I suppose I expected that they might have a taste of grief I am working along. Maybe they do. I am perhaps looking through my own expectations and how I have and continue to act helping through deaths, burials, funerals. It was never about me, always about them. Now that it is central to me, I feel it is still just about them for their convenience for fitting into whatever all else they have happening. I suppose I expected that these really were concerned about me just a little, and yet now I clearly feel not so and I am disappointed. I know I am on my own. I know I will survive. And I know I will get through this.
I will be here alone again right after the committal. nothing new, I have been alone these month s now since December. I will deal with myself and my grief just as I have been doing. I will survive because I have to. But this has been a reminder that all I have is me and the Lord. and my friends here whom I try not to pester.
I follow a FB group, "Grief Speaks Out" and usually always gain some tidbit of wisdom or comfort from reading, and commenting. Most of us in that site are currently in grief stages, some have been there for years, some are new to yet another grief, like me, some are young, some are old. The other day we agreed how grief does not have a timeline.
I think I am doing well and most who see me agree. Some marvel, some wonder, I suppose. But only a few really know that this is the most lifechanging event for me, possibly worse than losing Steve, our son, because after all, I still had Jerry and he was my rock. Few know me well enough to realize and the truth is most people are talk and that's where it stops.
