Signs and reasons

Day after Christmas, the sun is shining with diamond like sparkles glistening outside as I try to pay attention to my tasks at hand. Being a likely ADD though never diagnosed, I find it so easy to wander from blog to Face book to internet searches to other activities.

I believe strongly in signs and intuition. However, I don’t always recognize these nor do I follow them when I do recognize them. The times in my life where I have had big whopping doozies of difficulty occurred when I did not follow my intuition. It’s those times when I knew better but listened to the arguments in my own head saying, “.. give it/him/her/them a chance..” “another chance..”…” this won’t be so bad…” and the worst of all for someone like me who has a lifetime of knowing better, “just be nice…”

This must be why on tests and quizzes the professionals say go with your first choice, trust your gut. Many times I’ve ignored my gut, reasoning myself into trouble. So here I sit fingers on keyboard when I would rather find something outside to do. I am avoiding any after Christmas sale shopping today. But I am also pondering about writing.

I always told my friends and co-workers I would write a book. I have played various titles and topics through my head,

• “Commuters” which would have been about the many and sundry characters I met commuting from Newcastle to downtown Sacramento, first by vanpool and then by bus for almost 30 years.
• “Life in the Bureaucrazy” which is not misspelled. My 31+ year government career certainly provided me with no end of material. I fancied this might become a sitcom which would be most humorous to those of us inside bureaucracies. Then I thought that surely it would be viewed as absolute fiction by those who made their livings in the private sector. Well, the Brits beat me to it with “The Office” a TV sitcom which I find stupid, but which is seen as humorous by many.
• “Growing up among the Ethnics” because in PA while I was Polish there were many ethnicities in our town, the Italians, the Jews, the Irish, the Syrians, and more….I had good friends in each of these groups, so I became interested in different cultures. I also became quite tolerant of foreign accents because my own grandparents had them as did of my friends’ grandparents.
•  “The Great Mistake.” This would have detailed my 19 year old escapade, dropping out of a semi-Ivy League college, kicking a fully paid 4 year scholarship in the ass to marry who turned out to be a real jerk and to flee to CA. Water under the bridge but how I stayed across the country from all family and survived and thrived without any form of welfare might be good reading. This would be kind of like the perils of Pat at times, and include my grandmother to the rescue. It’s a rough thing to wake up across the country one morning when you should be getting ready to return to college and saying, “What the hell is this!” Fortunately for me, somewhere the stamina, perseverance and solid faith turned that brief first marriage upside down, inside out and set me about right. It is why I am so vehemently against young girls marrying. Anyone with any sense and anyone who does not saddle herself with child after child soon awaken to know she is changing immensely between the ages of 18 and 23. I have analyzed chapters in this book repeatedly as to why and how I could have been so dumb.
•  "How could I have been so dumb?"  Easy writing about  living my life.  This can be about other whoppers, some if which I came out the other side smarter, some of which I came out the other side barely and stinging. 
•  "People come and go"  This one would be about the losses of  my closest friends, family.  And it would start with memories about my father whom I never knew.   

There have been other book titles in my head, which I do not readily recall. Regardless I have not written any book. But lately so many people have been pestering me about writing that I am beginning to wonder if I am getting signs that I am ignoring? Carlie, Annette, Sandy, Sharon, Sherrie, Carla and others repeatedly tell me, “write that story….” Or “you really should be writing..” or “ I shared that with so and so and they really enjoyed reading it…” “you have a way with words…” This is all very flattering, but then I reason, “nah, I know good writing, after all I am a prolific reader, and my writing is not that good. Maybe it’s interesting to my friends, but, well, really?

A couple years ago I took a literature class at UW La Crosse for which we had to write a short essay about a photo. At the time I was pondering and working on a 50th anniversary photo album for our friends. I used a photo from that collection and wrote about my hair styles over the years, titled, “Hair Scapades” The instructor and women in the class loved it. The instructor asked me if I ever considered publishing some stories.

But lately the signs continue. Just Tuesday the local paper carried a story about a group with the headline, “Writer’s Block in Retirement?” ; it’s a group who gather to write and critique each other’s work. They are inviting other aspiring writers or story tellers from the greater La Crosse area to join them. There’s the sign and then here’s the reason, the group consists of five men, all retirees and one a former reporter. I am for not darn sure I want to go sit with some old men….I know some widows who would jump at that chance, but I turn up my nose. Perhaps my curiosity will get the best of me and I’ll try to go one time. Maybe I can learn something from them. Maybe it won’t be as bad as I can imagine. Perhaps I can find that story I wrote about “My Search for a Church” that cracked Annette up and made her share it with her friends who don’t even know me. That’s the chore, where is it? I suspect it was an email long gone. I also recall that it was about my expulsion from a women’s bible study! That was funny~

The facts are that writing has generally always come easily to me whether it is a letter, a short tale of amusement, or in my career a dissertation and or technical analysis. Words come easily. And I can edit something to death and back. However, words do not always pop up like toast! Sometimes there is a blank spot, writer’s block. Sometimes there is just too much fidgetiness in me to sit still at a keyboard and write. Now is that a sign (like don’t waste time) or is that the reason (like why it won’t work)? I don’t know but I will try to pursue this and do better in 2010. OMG a New Year’s resolution—I gave those up long ago when it wasn’t even Lent!