Tempus fugit Eureka or not!

When retired friends used to tell me that they have less time retired than they did when they worked, I would get very annoyed. How could they say that! Imagine how foolish! I could not wait to retire to have the free time to do all the things that I could not do while spending 14 hours commuting and doing all that managing in the bureaucracy. Well some of those things I planned to do were derailed when we moved to MN, but substitutes appeared so that I would have no need to resurrect my adolescent lament”nothing to do."

I just read Nancy's post on the Lipstick Chrons blog about the Devil in my pocket and plead guilty to the same addiction of checking email and Facebook which are big time users. I have tried to curtail my addiction as well. First thing after arising, I hop onto the laptop which resides on the kitchen counter overseen by Col. Wally and/or I check Pearl B., my blackberry to see if any critical emails arrived. My definition of critical varies significantly from Webster’s as I find myself roaming through the messages. Most of these are easy deletes, stories friends are compelled to share, but some are amusing and will require attention later. Now I am plunked on my stool to read my online WSJ. Sometimes this takes longer than other times and may lead to meandering further to research something that catches my eye. By the time I complete that and finish reviewing my ace email an hour or two can pass. And that does not count if I switch to Facebook to just see who's dong what and who needs to know what I'm planning.

I have tried to curtail my 'puter time to late evening after dinner, before briefly watching something inane on TV (unless it's NBA) and before my reading time, but this does not work at all. Spending an hour or two on the computer in the evening is sure to beckon insomnia for the night, especially when I get onto the Facebook pathwords game, keeping my farm up there is enough.

As Nancy aptly sums up, we have lived fruitful productive lives without the need to be connected electronically 24/7. She mentions how this has cut into her reading time as evidenced by her NY Times stack near a chair and into her writing time which becomes an issue for a professional writer. I think about my cousin Carol's email the other day, where she tells me she has read five other books this month. How does she have that time? Well, Carol is not so connected!

OK so I am now seriously analyzing my time spent at my 'puter. This is better than some I know who are absolutely computer cyber illiterate. No way would I want to be unable to conduct my financial transactions online or to shop online. And some of the other time spent is how I stay informed and intouch. One big concern I had retiring as a high level government manager was that I would miss the information I had access to daily working at the top levels. I was well informed on issues like Medicare, Medicaid, social Security, Long term care, Healthcare financing. I did not want to lose that edge. It has been beneficial to know about these issues in retirement. Perhaps some work related information has proven itself irrelevant in the scheme of life, but other information has given me an edge in transactions. Knowledge acquired comes in handy. I do not get a hard copy of WSJ, so reading it online is a no-brainer. Not a time waster; would it be different if I had the paper pages in front of me? Well only if you consider the additional keyboard roaming and 'net surfing I can do from online to clarify and research information. I'm satisfied to accept my WSJ time as well spent in continuing information assimilation.
Now what about FB and email? I can't consider this a time waster; these are part of my social connections. Would it be different to be able to sit and drink tea, coffee and or wine with these friends in person? Sure, we'd see our faces! Unlikely that we’d do that daily, likely once in awhile. How much time would I spend that way? For one thing, it would not be possible as my friends are around the country and coast to coast and for another it is doubtful that we would gather in our pj's first or last thing of the day. So if this is how we can reconnect and relive slumber parties in cyber that sounds like time well spent to me too.

What about those hours I spent yesterday when I was downloading and transferring photos and placing online orders for prints? Well, finger strokes sure beat driving around town. The same goes for looking and buying online. It saves drive time and hassles.

What about those online games, especially Farm Town in FB and Pathwords? Here I must concede to little redeeming value other than keeping me off the streets. Then again it keeps me out of the kitchen and or the sewing or craft project room. These are activities that do not consume daily time more like a couple hours a week.

You know what? My computer time, Facebook, email, serves me well. It's the change in the way we live today. I will no longer worry that it's wasting time when here I have satisfied myself that it's working for me! Besides, it is not hurting a damn thing....so what if I didn't vacuum  this afternoon, there is later on.  Our home is not dirty but rather well kept, we eat decent home made meals most days, our clothes are washed ironed and ready to wear.  I have solved my own question, time flies but I'm riding on it's wings and enjoying the view! 

Googling the gadget

Now here I have wandered  off task again attempting to afix the comment  gadget onto this blog and for some reason I am stuck!  I just wanted to see if I could  set up a way to gather casual feedback from  readers who happen by.  Now and then I  would hear from some, but not in a while.

Some friends  read and some email  or FB me direct with comments.  But I do wonder who else might be reading and  their reaction? I don't need  that as a validation or encouragement to continue my  blogging, just curious.  Well on another blog I follow, "Life in the Second Half"  today, Nancy commented on this very subject.   She's in Lake Tahoe and I am here in the grey belt of MN. Yes it is still dreary and the  shop roof glacier has not completely fallen.  Photo from yesterday as we watched the 18 inch slide over two days.  This morning there is a 3 foot bite taken out near the back, but it's still hanging there.  MN amusement, watching the roof glacier.  Back to Nancy's comments where I wonder how great blogging minds can be running in the same circles? Nancy mentioned the  fun of meeting others.  Some think this may be dangerous, but it can work too.  I have two friends one in WA and one in FL whom I met over email  from another friend and a now long defunct website many years back.  It is  an interesting way to  develop a friendship.   I particularly  enjoyed reading Nancy's explaination of  how and why she blogs.  I do this too to maintain my  writing skills as well as to  generally keep myself amused.  Oh and lest I forget, there's Sandy's constant  reminder with each phone call!

I have many tasks at hand today and focused first on organizing  and downloading some photos to Kodak share to get prints so that I can update my father's scrapbook/album.  These are photos from my cousin and our trips to PA.  This is a task which I have expanded by my constant need to edit and improve things.  Maybe this is my obsession.  Isn't there an old  story  written by Nathaniel Hawthorne or Edgar Allan Poe about the person who keeps writing and tinkering to ensure their longevity?  Or was that the builder of the Winchester Mystery House?  Well maybe if there isn't such a tale, that's a sign I could write such fiction? 

Enough,  I am confined to quarters and resting and recovering, I hope, my left glutes from a strain I inflicted.  I think it was the new non Curves ab-machine Friday which Teresa placed in the center of the room at Curves. Being brazenly adventurous and foolishly curious I got right on it, without instruction.  I am not timid which has not been always a good thing.  Anything that  works and  strengthens abs is for me. Teresa came over to advise right form after I'd exhausted my  curiosity and  tormented my left glutes beyond forgiveness!  Usually I get these aches in my right side, but since Friday evening and persisting today, my left glute remains very angry with me!  Enough Advil and it  is masked.  I thought I had it whipped but last night I hobbled.  A night in bed and I hobble around better in the morning.  So it's a grey frosty MN snowy day and I can keep occupied inside and recuperate!  I'm not even interested in my local friendly chiropractor for an adjustment until this pain stops. 

I noticed  on a previous post that I referred to potential conversations with grand daughter on her visit.  If anyone is curious and does not already  know, none of those conversations occurred,  instead this  grandma bit her lips and tongue to prevent saying what she really thought.  This was not the most pleasant visit; she came with a cold so I  thought that had part to do with it, but it became apparrent the girl was beyond being not interested this trip.  In fact, she moped, mourned and pined for her CA boyfriend and  spent most of her time texting and phoning CA. If it was not him it was her Mom or her Mom's mother or her Dad!  What is going on here!  We are puzzled why she wanted to come for this winter visit? She wanted to see and experience winter which she did  with  a one hour  outside experience and then viewed it from inside the house or car.   I spoke  briefly to her that this was not as much fun because of her phone preoccupation, even suggested that she  set it aside  for a bit, but  she  chose not to do so.  Not conducive to talking; especially when she closed herself in the bedroom  for hours on end.

I predict a train wreck ahead, and at the  barest minimum a very rude awakening someday.  One of my Curves colleagues admonished to forget it, that she had tried  having their grand daughter live with them twice while going to school and all it did was aggravate themselves.  "They will do what they want to do..."    I am not meant to deal with pouting  19 year olds.  Sadly by sheltering and  over protecting their children, Jerry's son  and wife   have stifled their  socialization and development  with an insulating tight cocoon.  I saw this clearly in Janine this visit,  our 19 year old grand daughter has demonstrated regression to the age of 14.  Water under the bridge unless some seeds we planted root.  What an analogy--water and seeds....flowers or seeds of discontent? 

BTW this brings back my favorite research project, do people triumph over their environment?  DIL is clearly doing what she deems best for her child, repeating her own learned pattern of family insularity. She learned this from her own mother.  I find this most peculiar in CA of all places where people generally mix and mingle freely. At least it was that way for us...it was so easy to meet people and make friends there.  But not so they.  Jerry observed years back that they are  compulseively clannish with their relatives to the point of  near exclusion of  other friends.  Then again maybe we are the strange ones, living away from family and making our own lives.  In my case, 3000 miles across the country.  Yet we think we did quite well.  Jerry often  comments that we were better off until his sister and his mother moved nearby in CA.  He had been on his own from the age of 15, so he finds clinging to mom's skirts bizarrre. 

Now back to my gadget to gather feedback.  I have just  downloaded  and; installed my new  2010 Quicken and some  investment analyses tools, so a simple  Google gadget should not be vexing me.  But it is and so I must get off   this and go back to the settings and figure this out.  Maybe the "followers" button is supposed to do it and I have that, but here I am thinking there must be something more.. that's another one of my character flaws or strengths---my curiosity and striving for always something more, different, better, to experience, see, read, do etc.  Simple contentment escapes me... 

Grey blahs and sunshine slivers

Grey, gloomy day here again today. This is not good because it enforces my dreary mood. When we lived in Newcastle CA where the valley fog makes life dreary in the winter, we could drive just to Auburn and see the sunshine or at least up slightly above Auburn and get the rays. That always elevated my mood. I must have a dose of what is known as SAD, seasonal affected disorder, or something like that. Here there is no escape when it is overcast, we’d have to drive to south of Kansas perhaps to find the sun. I just need to see the sun after a day of it hiding. I find the older I get the worse the glooms can be.

I have any number of entertaining projects facing me, but the grey blahs take over. Reminds me of that line from Little Orphan Annie, “…and the goblins will get ya’ if ya’ don’t watch out..” Yesterday afternoon I almost finished the update on my Uncle John Irwin’s family scrapbook. One more page to lay out then I can disassemble and reassemble the book and place it where it rightfully belongs in the living room by the red dragon chair.   My Uncle John Irwin’s family is the source of most all of our magnificent antiques and I have assembled quite the story about his grandfather, John R Irwin, millionaire, host and contemporary of President Wm. McKinley. I am grateful that Aunt Jinx got to see the book before she died; she got a big kick out of it. We’d laugh about the contrast between the wealthy Irwin’s and our poor family of coal miners. She thought it comical that I researched and assembled all the information about the Irwins in one place. She had several old 1940’s newspaper clippings to share with me too that started my interest in the mansion and the lifestyle of the rich and famous back in the 1800’s when $1 million was worth something! No one wrote about the Ostroski’s or the Kochanowski’s. After she died though, I found more photos of Uncle John’s family and some of his Army history that I wanted to include in his red book. There is no one left to pass this along to unless John’s niece, Margaret, (in Ohio) who is older than me thinks her son would like it. Uncle John had a son from his first marriage but had no contact with him. I recall that my mother said, his son did come to Uncle John’s funeral. Maybe someday in PA I can track him down; Lord knows where I’d start. Margaret does not know either. It’s difficult to acknowledge a rich legacy with wonderful stories will end due to lack of interest. Perhaps the Freeport PA historical society would appreciate the collection of information. They were helpful to me in tracing the Irwins.

But now there I have rambled off in another direction. This meandering aligns with the grey blahs, so I indulge myself. This morning early the roads were slick with the thin coating of ice left over from last nights' almost drizzle. So Jerry cautioned me to wait a while until I leave for Curves because it is slick out and he sees the sand truck headed down the road at the end of our street. Sometimes I think he thinks I am an idiot. Of course I know it's slick but if I am to live in this wintry arctic like land, I need to keep up my confidence in driving.

This morning before leaving I had to make up the sleigh bed in the patriotic room where granddaughter slept when she was here.This bed is likewise a priceless antique from the Irwin's.   I’d washed sheets but left it disassembled and the unkempt sight was getting on my nerves. Besides the patriot bears were upset at being displaced off their seating arrangement for so long. They usually assemble at the head and oversee the room. I tried again to use the bed sheet garters that my Aunt Jinx used to keep sheets from sliding and gave up! I thought these a neat idea but how those sheets get attached is too sore an adventure for my fingers. I think of Aunt Jinx who would shake her head and say, “Patty, here do it like this.” That done did not shake the blahs so it was off to Curves where I found Teresa in the same funk. This does not help; the grey blahs are taking over all of us.

Back home the mail brought lots of tax related information for my aunt’s estate and for Uncle Carl; this all required gathering so I can send it all off to the accountants once everything is received. But one bright envelope was from the Lower Burrell PA People’s Library thanking me for donating Jinx’s 1940 Ken Hi Year book to them. I’d sent it months ago and thought no more about it, but today came a personal note of gratitude from the librarian with apologies for not acknowledging it sooner. They had none from 1940 so this helps their collection that can be useful to anyone researching that time. I so appreciated that and felt a slice of sunshine that I’d done something good! Today “thank you’s” seem to be archaic. A couple years ago on this blog I wrote about our grandson’s inability to thank us for his gifts; this blog post annoyed my daughter in law so I removed it, although I wonder why I wimped out. It merely stated the facts and recalled my own grandmother. But Angel was offended for her 20 year old son who knows better, so in the interest of some family accord I removed it. After that Brian sent a nice card; I’m sure his mother went out and bought it for him to send. But forward to 2009-10, Brian has not learned because we heard nothing for his Christmas cash gift, sent to his parent’s home where we know it arrived, so he is about to enter the life of receiving a card only. And here this week I have received two hand written thank you letters.. first from a local candidate for a campaign contribution and now the librarian. Sunshine slivers.

Just as I emerged from the shower and was about to dry my hair, my friend Bonnie called. We yakked on the phone over an hour catching up and wracking our heads about where we might go to have some coffee someday soon to just sit and visit. Shoots, we will likely just come here and drink wine or something more soothing. I am always surprised by how long some of my phone calls last. I mean it’s different when Sandy (in CA) and I gab for a long time; we don’t see each other. Our cell phones are our lifelines. But here with Bonnie who lives right in town or with Michele, the long phone conversations make less sense. Still it helps me pass the time and feel connected and it’s a good way to chase the grey blahs. Phone calls with friends give slices of sunshine.

It is going on 5:00PM so no sun can be expected today. I will be content with the slivers of sun I’ve gotten today. It’s time for a good glass of chardonnay to toast that we can seek sunshine from elsewhere than the sky; it’s the attitude.

Stupid is as stupid does

Albert Einstein said “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” I’ve been living that comment again lately and yesterday in particular.


Yesterday I received a letter from the PA state police forwarded to me from my Uncle Carl’s address. In July while in PA, with the help of his doctor, I took Uncle Carl to Logan House, an assisted living center in Lower Burrell. It is a lovely place where he has his own apartment; it is very expensive but his funds can pay for it. Uncle Carl is my last living relative on my mom’s side, 91 (soon to be 92). He has dementia, not Alzheimer’s but definitely dementia, such that it was no longer safe for him to remain in his own home despite care givers. So he has adjusted and doing well there, his sense of humor remains and he is content and happy there. And I have peace of mind knowing all is well with him.

But back to stupidity. Uncle Carl had a minor traffic accident in April which I learned about when we were in PA in May. No one was injured but he should not have been driving. Somehow he got into his head with my constant chatter, that he should relinquish his driver’s license and sell his car. He did that willingly and for that I was grateful! Meantime, his doctor sent the forms with the dementia diagnosis to the PA Department of Transportation, known as PennDot. So PennDOT has notification from his own doctor along with the incident accident report and the emergency room physician’s diagnosis about the dementia.

Having had a career in state government I understand non-thinking employees. I absolutelydrilled into my staff that if they were there to provide customer service; oublic service is supposed to be that.  I understand how brains are checked at the door in the morning and possibly after so many years in bureaucracy the people no longer pick up their brains when they leave for home. Suffice that bureaucracies with lifelong employees who know no better are frustrating entities on any given day. Probably everyone has encountered frustration dealing with their own state Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) as it was known in CA. CA DMV was distinguished as being the worst government bureaucracy in the state. That distinction was duly earned because most folks encountered nothing but  frustration dealing with them. I nominate PennDot as achieving stupidity beyond what DMV could have expected.

I’ve corresponded by certified mail, with PennDot at least four times regarding Uncle Carl’s driver’s license. I have provided copies of my Power of Attorney and signed, certified and sworn that I cannot find his “current” driver’s license to physically return it to them. I gave up trying to get through to them on the phone because neither anyone in their offices nor their Medical Unit answer the phone. Granted those employees went without pay during the PA budget crisis this past summer. I suppose if I had to work without pay I would be grumpy, but I would do my job and certainly answering the phone is a basic service of government agencies. Perhaps someday PA voters will not elect people like Ed Rendell as governor and things might improve. But I digress; PA is a strong Democrat state with unions holding and pulling major political ropes (not strings) and with extreme taxation policies. One last harangue on PA which taxes even what the feds exempt; it is one of only 11 states with heinous inheritance taxes. Wealthy PA elderly move to Florida for more reasons than the climate.

So yesterday the mail brings me a letter from the PA State Police in Apollo demanding that Uncle Carl surrender his driver’s license in person so that his “suspension” can begin! If he does not appear and do so, the fines begin at $100 and threaten incarceration and who knows what else! Stupidity reigns!

Fortunately there was a phone number and a state trooper had signed the letter personally. Even better he answered the phone. I explained the situation and Uncle Carl’s dementia and that I have been unable to find his driver’s license in his home despite many searches. This trooper is completely sympathetic and understands. He tells me that PennDot sends these on automatically. He goes on to say that the explanation from families is usually similar to mine, they cannot find the license and they are desperate. He understands that an Alzheimer’s or dementia medical diagnosis should be enough to convince PennDot that the person whom they are threatening cannot respond. He even shares that he has had to make house calls to homes of these elderly when there has been no response to demand their license and they nearly have a heart attack on the spot. He does not enjoy that at all. How could he; he is a state officer reduced to doing bureaucratic tasks that at best are unnecessary and at worst stupid. So he tells me to stop by the next time I am in PA, or call him and he will make arrangements to meet me so I can sign the affidavit yet again with my power of attorney stipulating that Carl will not ever be driving again and the license cannot be found. He is a very nice individual and then as we talk he says even better he will mail me the affidavit; as he says, “Why would you go through the trouble to fabricate something like this? You have enough to do managing for your Uncle long distance. PA does not have to complicate life any more for you.” I want to reach through the phone and hug him for having the rarest of all qualities among bureaucrats—common sense! Hooray! We laugh and ponder what could happen if he is told to go to the assisted living center to confiscate Carl’s license and the entire population of 34 residents arise in agitation. He assures me he will personally enter this into the system and be done with it. Now a state trooper has become a clerk for the PennDot bureaucrats who cannot read, refuse to read and refuse to even answer their phone. I will not include his name, to protect his privacy, but be assured he has a special place of gratitude in my prayers. If there was ever a system that needs quality improvement and customer service training it is PennDot. But I am retired and do not do such things anymore; I’ll not be offering my services to them!

After the mail, I go to the Legion to donate blood at the mobile Red Cross blood drive. I donate regularly because it is something I can do and blood is needed. But I do not know that Stupidity eagerly awaits me as soon as I arrive! Stupidity knows no geographic boundaries. You can run but you can’t hide from it!

Syd, an elderly lady has run the bloodmobile for 35 years for the Legion; she retired from it last year saying it was time for her to give it up. I have been donating blood probably for as many years, beginning first in CA during my career in CA state government where the blood mobiles came to the offices. Another local woman, not known for sense, stepped up to take over Syd’s coordinator job. Syd’s system worked and so one would expect that Shelly could follow that model and all would be well. Wrong! Shelly is not the sharpest knife in the drawer; she’s more like a butter knife among the meat cleavers.

As I enter I see only one solitary old lady at the reception desk who cannot handle the demand of one person at a time. Syd had two or three there to keep each other company and facilitate the sign ins. This does not bother me because I know the routine, sign in, take the same packet of materials, sit down, read (I speed reed) the information, return the packet, get a number and proceed to the holding area until the Red Cross worker comes to escort you for another series of questions and tests. I do my self service check in, get through the screening and donate blood. There is a seating area where donors had always been served refreshments. As I am donating I notice few people sitting there, but this is early in the day not the busiest time of the day when working folks are on their way home. But I see the few donors go to the tables and leave quickly; this appears strange because I know it is important for donors to replenish their fluids before leaving. I also notice two young girls, teens or twenties somethings, who are sitting at the refreshment tables, yakking and doing nothing that I can observe. Shelly, the new coordinator who is a large gal is across from me donating blood as well. Then I notice Syd, our retiree, fluttering and throwing her arms in the air.

When I get to the refreshment tables I see a sloppy mess, and look for a clean place to sit and drink and eat. In the past here was always a crew of the older ladies serving, asking how many gallons you donated, cleaning tables, and generally working at making donors comfortable. Syd flutters over apologizing, “we only have orange juice or cranberry-grape today...” What, no cokes, no plain cranberry, no coffee, no bottled water? She serves me a small glass of water in a Styrofoam cup obviously meant for coffee. The table which usually has fresh popcorn from the Legion bar, plates of cookies, cheeses and crackers, bags of cookies, raisins, candy, and other varied treats looks sparse. There is an empty plate at the far end where two men are sittin.  Shelly appears and Syd flutters to her asking if she can please put out more cheese to which Shelly replies, “well I can’t put it all out now…” I ask Shelly where the beverages are and she responds that she has two juices. I tell her I do not drink those, thinking to myself that perhaps the orange juice would be fine with a good shot of vodka. I mention that at least before we had cokes and coffee to which Shelly walks away and Syd flutters nervously and apologetically. Two men at the far end of the table are sitting drinking their water. As soon as they get up Syd brings the cheese platter to me. She quietly remarks that she guesses she will stand and move the plate back and forth, apologizes again quietly so as not to call attention. I question what happened to the fleet of women who used to provide hospitality to donors and Syd shrugs her shoulders and flutters away. Shelly is nowhere to be found. I suspect she is back in the kitchen stuffing her face.

This is more than I can tolerate, so I gather my coat and say, “forget it, I will go out to the bar and get something to drink!” On my way out the two young girls who are doing nothing ask me if I want a card and waive a business card in my face. When I ask, “What for?” One says to remind me of the next donation date. I smile and tell her directly that I will not be donating here again. I realize that these two are Shelly’s workers, likely a daughter and friend; they of course cannot be bothered with hospitality so the dirty tables and lack of attention to donors is what we get while they sit yak and offer cards! The Red Cross always mails out postcards and there is publicity in the newspapers. Duplicate useless effort.  The end of hospitality which has been replaced with stupidity!

Through the door in the bar I get a Coke from Patty, my friend and bartender. I tell her I have never seen such a lack of concern for donors in my 35 years of donating; she mentions that Shelly has taken it over. I acknowledge that stupidity has now replaced hospitality. There is a man sitting at the bar with a beer and a big meal; he also was a donor who left disgusted and said he will not donate there again. I commiserate with him and tell him that there are blood drives at the fire departments nearby and across the river at the Red Cross blood center in La Crosse. Meantime I have experienced yet again what happens when someone takes over knowing not what they do. This is the danger of volunteers. A person who has never run anything and could barely function without a monitor assumes control. One would have thought continuation of the system that worked would be the best strategy but stupidity knows not beyond itself.

Pink of the winter sky

Yesterday, early evening while stirring the pot of home made "refrigerator soup" simmering on the stove, the  sky outside our kitchen window caught my eye.  There was so much pink.  I could not miss that, so I donned boots &  jacket, camera and captured some of it.  
I have not ever seen this coloration in the winter sky here in MN.  Sky blue pink!   It was beautiful and outside it was quiet, hushed, briskly cold, but so clear. It cleared my head and vision.



Granddaughter was snugged in downstairs  watching football with Grandpa Jerry.  I am too fidgety to sit through a play off game when I don't have a favorite team playing.  Janine, granddaughter,  arrived Wednesday from CA with a head cold.  I fear it  is a virus from  her description that it  left and returned.   So we've been doctoring with Vicks and Nyquil.  It is sounding better but still not gone; I would have had a medical visit about this with all the concern of  H1N1, etc.  and especially before flying, but then that's me.   So this has stifled her visit somewhat.  Of course it is winter in MN and we don't have much activity; she did come to see the snow and experience winter.  Well here it is.   I am disappointed that she's not able to muster more energy, but hope she sheds this before her return flight Friday. 

Have been quandrizing (my word)  with this visit with Janine for several reasons which have manifested themselves clearly this trip.  Since her last trip here in April, she seems regressed into more dependency, less reaching out or experiencing as a 19 year old  could be doing, sticking with her chosen only boyfriend, and  tightening the ties to Mom & Dad's apron strings.  I wonder how long this can last?  Will she ever become her own person?  There is still time enough.  Her responses to questions at times evoke,  "my mom says...."  That's better than "John says...." I suppose, but I wish this girl woud grow some independent gumption and begin to have her very own opinions, views, circles, likes, friends, you name it. Isn't that one purpose of education, to create a  drive for independence and the foundation to chose wisely?  Maybe that's passe now too!   It's one thing to raise and shelter but too much and it cripples.   I hope she does not trade parental control for John's control.   I cannot understand any of this. 

But there is always hope and the pink sky seemed  to be God's benevolence shining, "G'wan outside, breathe the fresh air, enjoy it and let it go!"   And that wonderful old verse from Corinthians, "be not dismayed, by reason of this great multitude, for the battle is not your's but the Lord's"    That verse came clearly to me outside in  18 degrees appreciating the pink sky.  I remembered when I received that verse at a Christmas Eve candlelight service in Fair Oaks, almost 40 years ago.  I have kept it to  bolster me at times and can hold fast to it.  Faith is a good thing that allows us to let go and trust. 

Prone as I am to signs and intuition and guidance, I interpret this glorious pink  sky to mean, let it be and let ME.  That's pretty good advice for someone who has no control over this situation.  Besides the last thing I want is control!  No way!  All we can continue to do is provide the seeds, exposure and hope.   Hope that there is another pink sky somewhere.  Pink sky at night, sailor's delight; pink sky at morning sailor take warning....

Memory & the making of

Barbara Kinglsolver, author, (One of my faves) wrote, " It's surprising how much memory is built  around things unnoticed at the time."  As I reflect on my life and where I am today I affirm that quote.

I have tried a couple times today to talk to my cousin, Carol in FL.  We reunited you will see elsewhere in my blog in October in PA.   I have a question which she may not know and which I am sure she will not consider as important as it is to me--Joseph Bosman, a funeral card I found at my aunt's in PA.  John Bosman introduced my father to my mother. I learned this from Carol.  John married Julie who is still alive in PA.  John also  introduced  my father's brother & wife, that would be Carol's father, Edddie to her mother Esther.  And so my Grandma Anna said to John, "now you have married off my sons."  But they were long time family friends.  I have a photo of them in my father's book which I thought was Uncle Eddie and Esther, and which Chrissy (another cousin, Eddie's daughter and Carol's sister)   clarified. 

Well as someone whose parts of life are disconnected I am curious.  And if Bosman was a family connection why did no one ever tell me?  Or did they and while I was young and busy and otherwise occupied,  did I ignore it?   And so today at age 65 I am so curious as this maybe a part of my jigsaw puzzle to piece together for the picture.

Today I was looking through some wooden boxes and found two necklaces that Steve (with Jerry's help) bought me;  one a small "MOM" with a crystal heart in gold and another  with just a heart with a diamond speck.  I remembered when they were given to me.  MOM on Mother's Day long ago.  No one to call me Mom anymore.  Another on my birthday.  I think on  the memories of these, teary at times, and then snap myself back to the reality of today and the way life has happened. 

The other day I was changing dresser scarfs in the bedroom and wanted a long one to go over the big dresser because the lace one  was just too dusty.  Oh  I looked, but couild not find just what I wanted.  I have found several linen ones and  some of damask, but I want crochet or lace.  And then I missed my Aunt Jinx who died in July.  Because I could have called her, explained what I wanted and she would have crochetted one to fit  for me.  But that can no longer be.  And it's not just that I want something I cannot have...it's the realization and  reflection of what we lose as our family ties slip...there is no longer anyone to talk to about things.

My cousin Paula in  CA  calls and asks me about things; I am her only link to the family and to our grandparents.  I feel very old.  It is up to me to preserve our stories and our history.  And so after me, who cares?
So today I consider how to talk to granddaughter when she arrives Wednesday for a week.  My sense is that she is tying herself down to a losing proposition with her  boyfriend. An even worse losing proposition by whizing through remedial high school in the name of college (junior college in CA)  to do who knows what... That's one reason why we wanted to get her here for a visit.  Other than her phone calls at least she will be away from that dufus for a week + .  And I want her to know things;  things that she will not hear elsewhere.    Maybe we can have those conversations while I have her help me store away my angel collection till next year.  Maybe when we clean out the crystal and china in the hutch, a day long task.  At 19 she has not a clue about life's memories and how it will be important later in life as it is to me today.  As it is when I reconnect with my friends from childhood and high school.  Memory, it's what builds as we live our lives.  It is elusive in our 20's, 30's even 40's ....who cares about that old stuff.   But there comes a time and if we have not built the foundation  to that time, we will have nothing....barren land.

I do not want to idealize my life looking backwards to memory, but  to cherish those memories  I have.  Sometimes in our quiet times that is what is left. 

Last 2 Reads of 2009

Finished Andy Williams' autographed memoir, "Moon River and Me" which I bought in Branson at his theater.   Absolutely enjoyable reading and a keeper.   I loved it.  I have long been a fan and if you read my posts on this blog about Branson and our experience at his show/theater, you know that. 

I did not know as much about Andy but learned he is from a small town, Wall City Iowa and Des Moines was the first big city for the Williams Brothers to hitch their star. Their father was the driving force. Andy is now 82 and a true legend of our lifetime. Reading this memoir, I learned he is a perfectionist to whom good enough never occurs and he remains a workaholic. He describes in detail his early hard way to go on the road in 1954 while in Cleveland and he eats dog food. Sadly some of the worst times were in Pittsburgh (my home area) and to this day he’s averse to going there. In his early days he is quite drawn to older women, some are 20+ years older than himself. But later in life that changes where today now with his 2nd wife where he is the certain  elder.

Poignant chapters about Andy’s life endeared him more so to me. There is humor, for example, when he is in Paris France working with Quincy Jones to produce his first album. Persistently knocking on the wrong apartment door for the key gets him kicked n the shins! The retreat to enjoy hot buttered rums in the lodge while golfing with friends and how Fred Mac Murray who was tighter that  the skin on a wiener loses dice three times in a row to buy the rounds is a hoot.

I  had forgotten that he and his brothers sing the background on  "Would You like to  Swing ona Star" with Bing Crosby.  This is one of the first songs I rmember singing and something that stayed with me all my life.  I have a pair of  earrings with angels sitting on the side of the moon ready to swing on a star and a pin a long gone friend, Roberta, bought me  with the star dangling and the angel ready to take off and swing on it.   No wonder I love Andy, he's part of  my circle of life.

There is pathos when he describes his father’s death and his eldest brother’s dementia. There is example after example of his perseverance. There is history when he descries the early days of his San Diego golf tournament and how these came to be sponsored and then directed by commercial venues. Over several chapters, Andy describes his deep friendship with Bobby Kennedy; they were in Los Angeles at the hotel waiting to join him for dinner when Bobby was killed. He sang the Battle Hymn of the Republic at Bobby’s funeral, something he did with a heavy heart and tears. It’s interesting how a Republican became so close to Bobby but also demonstrates that Bobby Kennedy was idealistic and beyond a party. Andy writes about his first marriage to Claudine Longet, his children and accepts total responsibility for the end of that marriage as he was working all the time. He also shares the tragedy when Claudine shoots Spider Savich in Aspen, CO. I had forgotten that story.

So many wonderful chapters were favorites but perhaps the best was reading the details about how he came to Branson and his efforts (perfectionist top notch) engaged in construction of his magnificent Moon River Theater. His interest in artwork and paintings derives from his early days of poverty where he spent time visiting any and all galleries and museums. Today he is an avid collector. Many treasures are displayed in his Theater in Branson. Today he is at the point of contentment in his life which he divides between Branson, MO & La Quinta, CA. I treasured every page and recommend this book to anyone who likes to read biographies. I learned a lot about Andy and enjoyed this immensely. I am going to write a fan letter to Andy about this book and our experience at his theater. I have never done that in my adult life and we will see if I get a reply. Our next trip to Branson, we are going back and will stop at his Moon River Grill. Andy visits it almost daily, when in Branson, he says, because the food is free!

Andy Williams is a dear man who is not bitter but who is I am sure very demanding.  Most perfectionist are.  But what a voice! 


In order to read Andy's memoir, I had to finish Sarah Pailin's "Going Rogue." It was a coincidence that she was speaking at the college of the Ozarks in Branson when we were there. I had her book with me and if we had not already purchased tickets to Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede, we would have gone to hear Sarah. When John McCain chose her as his running mate, VP, I vacillated between puzzled and miffed. I now believe she made the most positive difference in the campaign and if she had been given a freer reign, McCain could have done better. Maybe no one would have beat Obsama and the Bush hating media, but Sarah is a force. Maybe she won't run again, but she is going to be active and  will not go away!

I usually don’t buy books as soon as they are released, but when I saw this in Sam’s that day I put it in my shopping cart to support her. Contrary to what the hateful liberal critics say, I did not read any whining in this book. She is merely getting her side out there. Because I spent a long career in high levels of CA state government in several departments I absolutely believe what she says. I encountered some of the very same situations in my career. I know it happens. She is a woman of her word, unusual in politics. When Sarah says she will do something, count on it. Her allegiance to principles made many enemies for her early on in Alaska, even in her own Republican party. It certainly upset the Exxon oil company. I believe many of the difficulties she encounters still today have deep roots there. Repercussions of messing with big oil? I can believe it.

I now understand why she resigned as Governor, though I still wish she could have toughed it out. She was absolutely paralyzed by the ethics charges filed left and right by the DNC and the liberals. Alaska law allows anyone to file these, regardless of whether or not they are an Alaskan citizen.

I have been intrigued by her marriage to a blue collar guy because I have lived similarly with marriage Jerry for 42+ years. There is not the breadth of personal information in this book that I might have preferred. There is a bit about her childhood in Alaska and her college years and many photos. Most of the book is about her political experiences which are good reading too. She does describe life in the salmon fisheries, dog sledding, the Iditarod and life in Alaska. Nevertheless I absolutely enjoyed this book and it will remain among my collection. One of my favorite quotes is on page 386 where she espouses her belief that the “role of government is to protect us not to perfect us.” I hope her dad is right on when he says that, “Don’t worry about Sarah. She is not retreating, she’s just reloading!”

Signs and reasons

Day after Christmas, the sun is shining with diamond like sparkles glistening outside as I try to pay attention to my tasks at hand. Being a likely ADD though never diagnosed, I find it so easy to wander from blog to Face book to internet searches to other activities.

I believe strongly in signs and intuition. However, I don’t always recognize these nor do I follow them when I do recognize them. The times in my life where I have had big whopping doozies of difficulty occurred when I did not follow my intuition. It’s those times when I knew better but listened to the arguments in my own head saying, “.. give it/him/her/them a chance..” “another chance..”…” this won’t be so bad…” and the worst of all for someone like me who has a lifetime of knowing better, “just be nice…”

This must be why on tests and quizzes the professionals say go with your first choice, trust your gut. Many times I’ve ignored my gut, reasoning myself into trouble. So here I sit fingers on keyboard when I would rather find something outside to do. I am avoiding any after Christmas sale shopping today. But I am also pondering about writing.

I always told my friends and co-workers I would write a book. I have played various titles and topics through my head,

• “Commuters” which would have been about the many and sundry characters I met commuting from Newcastle to downtown Sacramento, first by vanpool and then by bus for almost 30 years.
• “Life in the Bureaucrazy” which is not misspelled. My 31+ year government career certainly provided me with no end of material. I fancied this might become a sitcom which would be most humorous to those of us inside bureaucracies. Then I thought that surely it would be viewed as absolute fiction by those who made their livings in the private sector. Well, the Brits beat me to it with “The Office” a TV sitcom which I find stupid, but which is seen as humorous by many.
• “Growing up among the Ethnics” because in PA while I was Polish there were many ethnicities in our town, the Italians, the Jews, the Irish, the Syrians, and more….I had good friends in each of these groups, so I became interested in different cultures. I also became quite tolerant of foreign accents because my own grandparents had them as did of my friends’ grandparents.
•  “The Great Mistake.” This would have detailed my 19 year old escapade, dropping out of a semi-Ivy League college, kicking a fully paid 4 year scholarship in the ass to marry who turned out to be a real jerk and to flee to CA. Water under the bridge but how I stayed across the country from all family and survived and thrived without any form of welfare might be good reading. This would be kind of like the perils of Pat at times, and include my grandmother to the rescue. It’s a rough thing to wake up across the country one morning when you should be getting ready to return to college and saying, “What the hell is this!” Fortunately for me, somewhere the stamina, perseverance and solid faith turned that brief first marriage upside down, inside out and set me about right. It is why I am so vehemently against young girls marrying. Anyone with any sense and anyone who does not saddle herself with child after child soon awaken to know she is changing immensely between the ages of 18 and 23. I have analyzed chapters in this book repeatedly as to why and how I could have been so dumb.
•  "How could I have been so dumb?"  Easy writing about  living my life.  This can be about other whoppers, some if which I came out the other side smarter, some of which I came out the other side barely and stinging. 
•  "People come and go"  This one would be about the losses of  my closest friends, family.  And it would start with memories about my father whom I never knew.   

There have been other book titles in my head, which I do not readily recall. Regardless I have not written any book. But lately so many people have been pestering me about writing that I am beginning to wonder if I am getting signs that I am ignoring? Carlie, Annette, Sandy, Sharon, Sherrie, Carla and others repeatedly tell me, “write that story….” Or “you really should be writing..” or “ I shared that with so and so and they really enjoyed reading it…” “you have a way with words…” This is all very flattering, but then I reason, “nah, I know good writing, after all I am a prolific reader, and my writing is not that good. Maybe it’s interesting to my friends, but, well, really?

A couple years ago I took a literature class at UW La Crosse for which we had to write a short essay about a photo. At the time I was pondering and working on a 50th anniversary photo album for our friends. I used a photo from that collection and wrote about my hair styles over the years, titled, “Hair Scapades” The instructor and women in the class loved it. The instructor asked me if I ever considered publishing some stories.

But lately the signs continue. Just Tuesday the local paper carried a story about a group with the headline, “Writer’s Block in Retirement?” ; it’s a group who gather to write and critique each other’s work. They are inviting other aspiring writers or story tellers from the greater La Crosse area to join them. There’s the sign and then here’s the reason, the group consists of five men, all retirees and one a former reporter. I am for not darn sure I want to go sit with some old men….I know some widows who would jump at that chance, but I turn up my nose. Perhaps my curiosity will get the best of me and I’ll try to go one time. Maybe I can learn something from them. Maybe it won’t be as bad as I can imagine. Perhaps I can find that story I wrote about “My Search for a Church” that cracked Annette up and made her share it with her friends who don’t even know me. That’s the chore, where is it? I suspect it was an email long gone. I also recall that it was about my expulsion from a women’s bible study! That was funny~

The facts are that writing has generally always come easily to me whether it is a letter, a short tale of amusement, or in my career a dissertation and or technical analysis. Words come easily. And I can edit something to death and back. However, words do not always pop up like toast! Sometimes there is a blank spot, writer’s block. Sometimes there is just too much fidgetiness in me to sit still at a keyboard and write. Now is that a sign (like don’t waste time) or is that the reason (like why it won’t work)? I don’t know but I will try to pursue this and do better in 2010. OMG a New Year’s resolution—I gave those up long ago when it wasn’t even Lent!