2020 New Year has begun

Brocade Carolers

Brocade Santa

As I take down and store away the nativities, angels, last of the Christmas decor I look in amazement at all the boxes and shelves full of stuff, I ponder, can this go, the tall carolers under lamppost that I just stuck beside the ironing board this year.  Bought them here at a craft show maybe 10 years ago,dressed in  golden brocade, they are lovely, so they return  back to the corner of the Christmas storage closet. I wonder if I ever again will feel the spirit and really  be thrilled to decorate.  This year, I plodded, feeling amiss,  but knowing well if I did not decorate I would feel worse than a Scrooge, a Grinch in my own skin.  Yet when there is no one who comes by to see anything, why bother, yes I know I do it for us, for me, trying to recapture my spirit.    

Our tree 2019

Somewhat better here, with Jerry, the redosing with prednisone and or the saline nebulizer treatments have helped, most of his coughing  has lessened especially the raucous bouts and he sleeps through the night without awakening to cough.   He has more energy and even decided to come downstairs on New Years Eve to the TV/man cave room.  Although that meant he needed to use a big tank of oxygen returning up the stairs, at least he did it.  And  after I took the tree down, he even ran the vacuum cleaner.  More alive and not sleeping all afternoon.  Dare we hope he has turned another corner?  Still his breathing is difficult and he is on higher level of oxygen than he wants.  His goal is to decrease the prednisone to 5 daily and then off again and see what happens.  

This below is making the facebook rounds of encouragement,  I am not so sure, I have heard all my life that we need sunshine and rain, bad to appreciate the good, etc, but it seems to me that after a lifetime we could enjoy more smiles and less winsomeness

. And now I must return to my task today before I waste all the time sitting here at computer.  

Close Out 2019, Whenn the terrible things grow pale.

December 27, 2019,
 me and my shadow

The other day was balmy, 50 degrees, the sun was shining,  so I went out with my shadow for a walk around the backside of the property, the hill side, to pick up and toss farther down hill any limbs, branches, cluttering the yard.  It was to appreciate that sun shine because gloomy days will return again and they really do get to me this time of year.  I am now glad we have passed solstice and days grow a bit longer by seconds/minutes.  I have a Happy Light alongside the computer and wish I could have those lights throughout the house in all the ceiling fixtures.  

Garage/shop/Motor home house

Another year over and a new one to begin.  I wrote in a card to a friend earlier, "where does time go when it passes on by so quickly?"  I am not all that sorry to see 2019 depart, it has not been the best of years, but then again, neither has it been the worst. We were unable to travel anywhere and not once to use our motor home.  It sits in its house, the garage below.  

Jerry in his smurf chair, downstairs TV room, June,
I  dubbed it the Smurf chair because it is small compared
to the overstuffed ones of today.  But this was his favorite LazyBoy recliner
 which we moved from CA.  And this year had it recovered finally.

So many ups and downs with Jerry's health and recovery from surgery 11/7/2018 ,.re hospitalizations in March and April and then treatments through Mayo Rochester, MN  all through the summer.  That did restore his stamina and energy.  Now at year end, he is having a relapse or perhaps turning yet another corner.  So we shall see, is it the lung fibrosis worsening, because he needs his supplemental oxygen 24/7, coughs, a dry unproductive but debilitating cough and lacks enthusiasm, energy.  A trip to our PCP Christmas Eve Day resulted in  a blood test for his Cortisol levels, perhaps the long term usage of prednisone then graduated doses to be off it fully made his adrenal glands lazy and  not making sufficient cortisol. The test came back within normal ranges but at the low end of the spectrum.  He has been trying to be off all the drugs, the steroids,  the antibiotics so restoring a  maintenance dose was not the news he wanted.  Yet it seems to help.  Except for his cough.  In November periodic coughing and shortness of breath started; it , comes and goes for no identifiable reason, although the last few weeks it is ever constant.  It has been a month now since he has done his routine home exercises on the treadmill, so he weakens.  Heck he has not even walked downstairs to the tv rec room in weeks now, because he is too exhausted to go back up the  stairs to our main floor. This photo shows him relaxing as  always used to most evening, downstairs, tv rec room. Another memory now.  My life as care taker and the one who does all things here is very weary making.  I wish there were people around to come by, to talk with, but not so.  This sure is not the retirement  life we planned but here we are. Savor  what's left.

Winter view December 26 from out back hillside

So stuck at home I have tried to accomplish some things, like sorting out and tossing old photos.  So many amassed over years, but it is a very slow process, I get distracted, scan some and then give up.  I have dumped lots, those from PA from my relatives.  Even old black and whites, I do not know the people and no longer intend to make nice albums with notes about each family, etc.  Oh another plan I had, grand intentions,  but no execution into operation, that's me.  Here and there I find some photos that I send along to distant relatives,  children of deceased cousins, etc.  Some to our grand daughter, some to sister-in-law,  but really no one to give most to, so I just toss.  After all one day when I am gone that is what will happen anyway.  So much for lifetime collections.  

In clearing off the upstairs desk the other day I found this article from June 2014, published in the local news, written by a young man who used to live here and was a  thoughtful reporter.  The kind of thinking that could generate discussions.  Discussions that is what I miss terribly, there is no one with whom I really have good discussions anymore.  It is something I relish, but since my best friends have also passed on there is no one to replace the talks, Sandy in CA a  couple years ago and last year Carlie in PA. Although we could not see each other in person, we had our phones.  I never realized how important those connections were until they were gone.  That brings me to this article, "When the terrible things grow pale"   a line from "Our Town", a play by Thornton Wilder, 1937-38 and one which I enjoy having been in it back in high school.  It seems a way to close out the year, why do we not appreciate what we have when we have it, for it will be gone and then it is too late.  If I have any New Years resolution it is to "Enjoy the moment, whatever it is, for it too shall pass."   

It is painful but I tossed it

Box of sorted card fronts

I continue trying to purge, clutter and accumulations.  This is a painful activity for me but beyond necessary.   After all I realize I will never do anything with these card fronts despite carefully sorting them into categories.  Who am I kidding, just me.  So off into the recycle trash bin they went this morning, years of card fronts, beauties some of these,  Yet?   Who cares?

My list and tabs

Nowadays we receive far fewer Christmas cards, the tradition of annual communication and catch up, well wishes has been replaced by instant Facebook.  The old timers have died,  even contemporaries have died.  Recently a friend who sent her annual card with her note of summary for 2019 posted a humbug when I said I am not sending Christmas cards this year.  Yet her news was all stuff we all know from FB.  Those who seldom communicate with us are few.

Card kept cards tossed

 After all,  stamps are 55 cents, and people are all on Facebook except for a few my last luving aunt, widow of my late Uncle Henry in CA.   I will send a card to her and to a few cousins mostly to let everyone know we are still alive here in the MN arctic and to wish a Merry Christmas.   Funny in past years when we did not receive a card, we wondered what might have happened?  Today as I mentioned we are in touch, mostly instantly.  Last year a cousin's card returned as undeliverable, tried to call but the phone # we had was disconnected, no word from any of their adult children scattered around the country.  Would have thought if something happened to one of them the other would let us know, but nothing.  Both were older, aren't we all?  Both were not real well, yet?   Tried to reach their youngest son who lived in same area of TX but no luck.  So we presume they are dead?

Our tree 2019 with vintage ornaments

Over years, I did enjoy writing about our travels, our year and sending cards, , now it feels like a drudge, so I give up.  I have some placemats made in .CA from old cards, laminated carefully and mounted on cardstock placemat size.  I considered making more from these cards but again my ideas exceed my executions.  And even if I did waste my time and money doing so what would I do with them?  I no longer know people who would enjoy, use or cherish them,  So out they go,  yes it troubles me but yet I must get a grip & be realistic.  Life is not what I imagined it would be, these days I remain amused at what I thought.  It is not so.  Lately I lament lack of hope, then kick myself with a reminder, life still holds hope always, all  ways and how dare I feel pathetically sorry for myself, reflect on blessings stand on faith and accept.  Enough...

Thanksgiving over, progress, vicissitudes

Pilgrims on dining room sideboard

Another Thanksgiving  has gone and although it was just the two of us here, so unlike the crowds I cooked for and we hosted for so many years in CA and even here in earlier years of our retirement, when we look at all we have been thorough the past year with Jerry's continued healing and some setbacks, we are grateful. This year instead of the ready meal from the Festival market I decided to cook a turkey breast, it was almost 5# and I have no idea where they grow these huge turkeys but it was delicious.  Enough to rerun Thanksgiving yesterday and lots more left for sandwiches the next few days, perfect.  

Onto my FB I shared a photo from Uncle Carl in 1982 in Avonmore, PA when they were

hunting turkeys, I do not know who are the men, some of his hunting buddies.  I always thought this would make a Thanksgiving card with an appropriate verse but as with most of my thoughts I have never completed the execution. Yesterday though I spent the day taking down the full array of autumnal decor and clearing the way for whatever I will do to display Christmas this year.  I am  proud of myself for tossing an entire huge box of floral pics that I do not use, actually I drove them to Goodwill couple weeks back.  So I have now put the miscellany into a large Samsonite suitcase in the downstairs closet.  It was just taking up space but now contains the fall floral, leaves, some knick knacks, etc and to remind myself lest I forget by next year I taped a note to the outside of the suitcase as well as inside the door in the closet next to it.  In short I got things better organized and shed some stuff, including 3 bags of foam brought from my late aunt's in PA and a sack of misc clothing clippings that I always thought I would make into quilts, including snap pockets off a few of Jerry's old western wool shirts.  While in the mood to toss, I had Jerry take me to the dump to dispose of along with a roll of carpet pad he had saved in the garage for something sometime.  The recycler refused to take the roll of padding and I did not want to return it to a shelf.  Little by little, too little, too late I am making downsize progress.  Things I had envisioned other uses for.  But life is not what I thought.

Today the word vicissitude came to mind and I feel this is appropriate for this stage of our lives.  Changes that require alterations and adjustments.  That is  the situation here.  

Jerry is now weaning completely off the prednisone that the Rochester doctors have had him on since May.  It helped rebuild his stamina, endurance, appetite but time to decrease.  And this has been a gradual decrease in dosage designed to not give adverse side effects, yet his body is resisting and reacting.  As one of the Rochester geniuses said, "he is an enigma..." Lately he's endured increased sporadic coughing episodes causing his ribcage to become sore where the rib was removed for the operation.  While the surgeon had predicted it might take a year, the pneumonia set back in March complicated that so now we hope we are out of the woods.  . Last night, November 29 perhaps the corner has been turned, he did not have the  bad continuous retching coughing.  It is almost fearful to say, things are better, yet so they seem and we are grateful.  

We have a retirement party to go to, an open house at the event center today for our friend who has been our postal carrier all these years.  She has carefully planned to reitre at age 60.  I did the same.  Wow it has now been 15 years for me.  Our weather is dismal, overcast, cold, windy, some rain, some snow predicted tomorrow.  All around a too early winter.  

Facebook also reminded me that it has only been 4 years ago that Carlie and I were in Prague, and on our Christmas Markets sailing the Danube adventure.  Now she has been gone for a year, another life event never expected but to be endured.  Vicissitudes, changes, alterations. 

Me and Carlie November 2015 Prague
at a local basement Czech dinner

,I dare not complain, some have it far worse and this all too shall pass. "If you do  not like things that have happened at least stop, pause and be grateful for things that could have happened and didn't, you are better off." Just like everything. It seems that lately I have more memories than occasions making new ones, this is aging.   

More on turkeys and snow

our front drive and footsteps of
newspaper deliverer

Backyard icy driplets on clothes line

We had an overnight  wet snow just as has been forecast.  Thankful we do not have to be out and about traveling in it.  On the other hand sure do wish we did not live in weather that keeps winter for so long.  But here we are, where MN/WI are behaving like MN/WI, it is just weather.  It was not much maybe slight 2 inches, but it was wet, heavy, messy. And the winds that are increasing this afternoon are viciously icy.  Last night rain first and then snow took over right as the forecast.  Sure wish it had skirted us.  So I grumbled, shared some pics on FB, sighed as I knew I would have to suit up and shovel.  Jerry cannot and will not be doing any of that, and so a task for self. I hear my late aunt say, "just be thankful you are strong and able" and I try to be thankful for that.  

Just yesterday I had cleaned the kitchen and entryway floors  and shaken out the throw rugs, hung them over the clothes line.  Would not do that today, sigh.  Thankfully I ran a couple local errands just around town yesterday and was feeling quite satisfied with myself that I did not have to go out there, not even a grocery store run.  I filled the loaner car up with gas, anticipating returning it to dealer Friday and retrieving my Caddy.  We will see.  So just as I pulled on my mittens because it is an icy wind blowing out there, I heard machinery and hooray!  Our plow guy had arrived.  Usually he does not show up for minor snows but I sure was glad to see him and stuck my head out to say so.  He said there was not much snow but it was wet.  And since I was dressed I ventured out the back door from the garage and cleared but a small path.  Keeping my snow shoveling skills intact, likely to need them again this winter.   Between his small bobcat and his shovel it took him no time.  So begins another white winter, sigh...where is all that climate change, global warming, blather, bring it on.  I remember a couple years here when I could wear sandals and capris at Thanksgiving, not this year.  But then I remember one year that my late cousin, Rollie,  got snow stormed driving back to Madison, WI after spending Thanksgiving here with us.   

Front house drive and sidewalk all cleared

 

Rummaging through some old Ideals, a magazine I used to enjoy and now have relegated to a stack on the shelf alongside  my PC, I noticed  3 editions dedicated just to Thanksgiving.  I recalled how I used to  use these and include a poem from one with Thanksgiving Day cards.  This year sent not one card, instead FB conveys my greetings.  But then as I have mentioned hardly anyone to send cards to, relatives and closest frineds are  dead.  Times change and we adjust.  Although I do admire the eagle and am fortunate to live in an area where  there are plentiful eagles and sightings, I was amused to find this by Ben Franklin,  apparently he felt a turkey would be a better symbol.  As the  political nonsense of lame demnoncrats continues in DC, I have to agree, they would denigrate this country to turkey status if they and their supporters had their way.  We can be Thankful so far that has not happened.