Wisdom of ages and wondering

2008  Uncle Carl and Aunt Jinx on his porch

Lately I seem to be channeling the sayings of my passed on relatives, especially my late Uncle Carl, whose advice to me was something he lived by, "Take it as it comes"  and "I am not gonna' worry about that."  And then there was my late Aunt Jinx, " Just be glad you are strong enough to work."  Mom's brother and sister who outlived her although she was the baby of the family, but that whole story would get me off track for this post.  I have been trying to write this for over a week but never have time, time is a premium to me.  

My grandma's antique hand washer
 at foot of stairs, fall decor

Now that Jerry is so limited,  well really he can do hardly anything, I have his chores along with mine which were always never ending.  Some days I get so weary.  The life we are living today, is certainly nothing we expected nor would have chosen, but it is what it is and all we can do is our best to go along.  I have given up decorating for both Halloween and Thanksgiving this year and chose only an autumn decor.  I used to love to change the holiday house decorations, but today, I have neither the energy nor the desire to engage there, too much else keeps me very occupied from morning until night.  Somedays by night I am beyond exhausted and yet somehow I still keep going.  It is then I hear Jinx, "be glad you are strong...."    So sometimes I get so annoyed with myself, for grumbling, whining to me.  I know there is so much to be thankful for, yet life feels overwhelming.

First snow 11-6 out living room window

Our back deck covered 11-6

 I have taken several days to write this latest lament, we had our first snow, far too early for me, last night.   I dread winter arriving this early.  It is bitter cold to me at  34 degrees out there today and yet I know that soon that will be considered a higher temperature.  This wintry stuff is why I did not want to move here when we retired but other life considerations won out and so here we are.  It was tolerable when we could migrate south for the winter and  enjoy with RV friends at rallies and in warmth.  But there again, life has changed and  so we cannot look back only be present and be grateful.  So I tell me. Yesterday Jerry and I went to Sam's, it was his first trip there in many months and he did fine and seemed to enjoy walking around.  He drove the truck so we could haul bags of water softener salt.  Each bag is 44 pounds and  dead weight that I cannot manage.  But he was able to lift the bags into our cart.  Previously I had the check out get the bags for me and load them into the car.  Yesterday we only got help loading them into the back of the truck.  When we got home he drove the truck around to the back walkout door and I hauled them into the well cellar by the water softener using a small dolly.  Was feeling that we had truly accomplished something, we have a supply now that should last all winter.  But last night I began to fret about the snow forecast and early this morning about 4:00AM I looked outside and sure enough white. Today was the day to set out the recycle bin so I dreaded that but decided to shovel the  step and clear a path to back out my car then take the bin down the drive for pick up.  Jerry though he might get the leaf blower out and blow some snow but it was too wet and heavy.  

Anyway I made enough progress and then decided to back out the car and let the rest of the snow set or wait to see if  our snow removal guy would be around today.  When I came into the garage IO did not raise the door all the way.  I went into the house for a potty stop and came out and began to back up when my XT5  alerted me by buzzing my seat and showing an indicator on the dash screen that I was backing up, fortunately slowly but not before I heard  a thump.  Good grief, I had forgotten that I had not fully opened the garage door.  But  I pulled in then raised it then backed out and dreaded what I saw as I took the recycle bin down the drive.  My roof antenna had been broken loose.  Lately I feel that there is a demon lurking here because if it were not for bad luck I would have none at all.  I want that sense of joy, peaceful heart that I used to have, really I did.  Where did it go?  

  Only been a month now since my last harrowing, well darned inconvenient,  escapade where unbeknownst to me I drove over fresh high way paint and spattered my  passenger side.  My XT5 Cadillac SUV only has 5,000 miles on it and is just barely a year old.  We bought it new last year.  Long story short all is fixed and the comprehensive insurance covered the body shop charges except for our deductible.  Although a siege and regrettable all was well that ended well.  I drove Jerry's truck while my SUV was being made  new.  So my escapade today finds me really whacking myself upside my head.  Am I becoming stupid, careless, or is there a curse haunting me?.  Jerry says I have taken on too much since he has been ill and I know I have, but that does not justify this stuff.  This will require another trip to the dealer and fortunately an adjustment to the garage door only.  It could have been so far worse, yet needed this like another hole in my head.  Jerry tells me to slow down, that I have too much happening in my head at once and reminds me I am not in my 50's or 60's and infact I will soon be 75, goodness 3/4 of a century!.  

Tomorrow November 7 will be one year since Jerry's successful lung cancer surgery.  I used to love November, my birthday month, the 13th.  But anymore I just do not know.  My last best friend Carlie died last November suddenly, unexpectedly, inoperable un-treatable, fatal fast lung cancer diagnosed when Jerry was undergoing his tests.  She did not make it.  I miss her, especially not being able to talk with her on the phone as we did weekly.  .  .So November, which is my natal month holds trepidation and here I go again.  Am I becoming overly  superstitious in my aging?    Is there an evil demon too near, have my guardian angels gone on vacation, if my prayers and faith are protecting me, just imagine how much worse it can be?  

Heed Uncle Carl's saying, "Take it as it comes...""""  And Biblical, "it came to pass.."  not to stay, I tell me.