What a mess

Where to start. I leave CA tomorrow December 4 for MN and home. This has been a terrible experience and yet I am thankful for our friends and all the prayers and kind thoughts. Jerry was right (I hate to admit) that I should not have stayed here in CA to help Steve. But us mothers have weird sense or genes or whatever which makes us always want to try.

Brought Steve to his apt. from the hospital on Monday 11-24. Jerry drove the RV, towing the truck home to MN leaving same day and getting home safely by Wednesday. He had Thanksgiving with his cousin and family. I stayed in CA with Steve and fixed a turkey breast for Steve & me and some healthy veggies, a bit of dressing, etc. This is the first Thanksgiving Jerry and I have been apart in 42 years.

Long story short as I try to condense a heart ache. Steve is 44 years old and for some reason my presence is an annoyance and irritant to him. He can be nice to everyone but me; almost a Dr. Jekyl and Hyde monster. One major incidence was Tuesday AM, the day after he got home. He threw his walker and fell flat onto his face with that action. It was almost like the Holy Master pushed him down. He did not get hurt fortunately. By the way, he is nearly 6 foot and weighs (too much) at nearly 300 lbs. He cannot yet put any pressure on his right foot where the toes were amputated. I let him lay there facedown, walked out and went to Curves to work out. When I returned he was in better humor. Just like nothing had happened.

At his apt. all I did was cook, clean, grocery shop do more and more laundry and clean more. I washed over 30 loads of dirty clothes (mind you all at laundromats, lugging all the stuff, etc.) he had stockpiled. Instead of doing laundry he just bought more tshirts, etc. Well anyway all week we had issues. Ups and downs and many more downs than ups. Often he would go to his room and close himself in, play rap music and shout. Mostly he ignored me. Rarely was pleasant to me. But when his friends would come he enjoyed their company and behaved courteously, etc.

I kept his meals in balance, on schedule. All week he had good control of his blood sugar. Never needed an insulin shot. Just his long term Lantis (sp?) at night for which the doctor did decrease the dosage after it was apparent that it was too high at home.

Did I tell you that I got another call in CA that my uncle had died? My father's only surviving brother. Uncle Henry died Nov. 18 in the hospital in Grass Valley right at the time I was thinking about how I would like to see him and share the marvelous scrapbook I've made on my father. Got the call from my cousin that afternoon. Had I not been in CA I would not have attended his funeral November 29 so that was providence, perhaps.

While I was in Grass Valley Steve did something with his friend Kevin, took a ride? He also managed to nearly dissolve an entire candy dish filled with sugar free candies. He would argue about this because in his mind sugar free means unlimited. It does not. Saturday afternoon when I returned I knew he was not "right." That night for the 2nd time only he said he was very sore and I convinced him to take a pain pill to not suffer.

Sunday he awoke terribly grouchy. After I got his breakfast, I went to church in Roseville. I should have driven to my old home church in Auburn. But I was too tired. This is a story for another post. Back to Steve's to fix his lunch he was in worse mood. His blood sugar was high and he needed an insulin shot for the first time. He blamed me for feeding him 1/2 a bagel with lo-fat cream cheese for his breakfast. It wasn't the bagel it was the effect of the day before catching up. His friend Kevin came and Steve ate lunch and glared at me. I left with clothes baskets full to do more laundry--I changed the sheets off his bed and that made one full load. He'd had his dog visiting and she'd gotten in bed with him. His friend Kevin has been keeping his dog. Anyone with good sense would know that is good because all Steve needs is dog hair in his wound. But I have learned that he resented my being there and wanted his dog. Like I needed an animal to care for too--wait a minute I was already being a care giver to an animal as it became clear.

I stayed in the laundry room for over 2 hours. Steve had another friend stop by. When I returned he'd retreated into his bedroom. I went to the store and returned to fix dinner. He wouldn't come out of his room. This was an issue earlier as I refused to serve his food to him in bed. He needs to be somewhat mobile and using the walker from the bedroom to the kitchen table is a good thing, my opinion. It's a bit of exercise and mobility.

I waited and pondered. Finally he came out to the bathroom banging his walker into the walls and cussing. Oh boy, here we go again. But no, he returned to his room. Yelling that stress was increasing his blood sugar. At 6:30PM I knocked on his door and said if he didn't come out to eat I'd throw the rest of the food away as I'd eaten alone.

He came out of his bedroom in a fury--glared at me and told me to get out of his house. He said he'd called Kevin to take him somewhere. Words continued and I told him he was the most ungrateful person I have ever know. I know I called him a few choice names too as I said I would leave finally and was sorry to have caused him turmoil, I'd done my best and only wanted to help.

I called our friends in Newcastle, Kathy & Alex and said I needed help and would they come get me. I was very upset and as I write this it is still rough. I thought of staying in the bedroom and letting it blow over but something (that small voice) urged me to leave. I packed up my suitcases, set them outside his apt. and walked down to the street in the dark to await my friends who were there ASAP. We picked up my bags and they brought me to their home.

My goal had been to endure another week with Steve to get him to apply for Medi-cal on Monday and to his surgeon's appt. on Friday. But it was not to be.

I called Jerry who said I must not go back and was weary hearing this. He knew it might happen. I don't think he ever thought it would be so bad though. He has made me promise that I will not beat myself up. All friends have said the same; I did no wrong, I did all I could.

So I have not heard from Steve or his friends. I will not contact him. He has closed the book and drained the well. There is more to write and more to think about, but suffice it that this has been the worst experience.

Yet I know that God's will is for good and evil cannot overcome it. Yesterday I received a great email from Carlie about the Battle Within which is so appropriate. I'll be posting it on this blog after I get home.