Christmas 2023

 

Another Christmas, alone.  Grey and wet outside, but at least to me it is preferable to snow.  I think after 40+ years in northern CA I got used to no snow, yet here we/ umm I mean I now live in MN.  Do I miss CA?  Nope not even on my worst day.  Best thing we ever did, moving away when we did.  Yet when Jerry decided it I thought he was kidding.  I am ever thankful he was serious.  Yet today again, Monday,   no sunshine  no sun since Thursday?  I know Friday was grey.  So I got a dose from my Happy light next to the downstairs PC where I am consigned to work online until the laptop that I so conveniently use upstairs is repaired or replaced.  I will set a nice setting for myself at my dining room table and dine on beef filet tenderloin, twice baked potato, asparagus and green salad and wine.  How I miss the hustle and bustle of Christmases of the past where I wore myself out into a tizzy cooking, baking, wrapping presents, decorating and all that over the top activity.  Life has changed and now this is my new normal.  

We can decide

I posted this on my FB today and since I am  just marking time this afternoon and having the inconvenience of using the downstairs PC I thought it a good time to post here to keep this blog alive.  Yesterday my laptop went bonkers,  when I tried to start her all I got was a black screen with computerized messages, "Boot drive not found."  etc  blah blah.  I tried running diagnostics which indicated the laptop passed.  I  unplugged and restarted her, nope, same junk.  

Well I can get by with my tablet and this PC so it is not the end of the world, but an annoyance.  So this morning I took her to the Geeks at Best Buy where she will get a once over and hopefully restoration.  If not I;ll buy a new laptop because it is convenient to have that upstairs off the side of the kitchen.  The rep at the Geek counter complimented me on my "positive good attitude" he said most  would be  upset about their computer.  I had to tell him, "well not me.  Not with what I've lived through, it's going to take more than a computer to dim any more Christmases' for me.  I've been thru worse."  

It's true lost Steve 15 years ago in December and Jerry 3 years ago in December.  I'm still surviving, and doing really well.  That come only from Grace of God and my deep rooted lifelong faith.  I no longer say, "Next?"  nor do I say "Hit me with your best shot."  That's already happened, over, done with.  

As this image portrays we can decide.  I have decided long ago to accept and go on ahead.  So inconvenienced, but I'll get by.  They sent me an email to pick her up Tuesdau at 12:40PM, so  that must be good.  

We have had a December with   very little snow and I am happy about it.  Though I dislioke our grey dreary days like yesterday, and today, it is better than shoveling snow to me.  Almost reminds me of Christmas in northern CA.  But not fully.   

I'll be at 8:00PM mass this Eve.  Lector again,  I haven't had a mass to just sit in the pews since maybe September.  Seems I am a full time lector.  I have trained others but they migrate to Sundays.  Well as my cousin reminded me, "this is Your Gift to share.  And it's as close as you get to altar girl."  Recalling my nerve back in the  50's at wanting to be an altar girl.  That was unheard of, no such thing, only altar boys.  It put the nuns and others on edge and made my grandma tell me, "don't argue with the sisters Patty." " I wasn't arguing, I was only asking a question."   That was not encouraged back there and then. Mom shrugged it off,  she knew me, she knew I ask whatever I think.  I was unfiltered., She blamed my grandma for spoiling me that way.  I had forgotten all about my stir that gave the family and beyond something to talk about until Lawrence reminded me.   Today we have altar girls too.  I was ahead of the curve.

UPDATE to keep active

 And so just incase I'd get a google inactivity flag, here I go with a nothing post.   It is supposed to be fall here, but we have a resurgence of heat, another hot couple days.  Today I was out back blowing leaves down the hill and shook my head,  I felt rain drops?  Looked up to the sky and realized this is what happened several times through the summer,  sweat from my head and brow!    This is October 2...proving to me I made the right decision not to move south into perpetual summer.  I do not like hot weather.  I like 4 seasons even though here the final one, the winter can drag on too long.  I hope we soon turn into crisp cooler fall temps before we plunge deep into the cold times.  I know I vowed this past winter which went on forever to not complain when it got warm, but this has not been a MN summer.  

Changes changes,  below is a photo of the side vintage hydrangea tree  on this day in 2016 and below it is a photo of it today.  It is  fading away.  Next year I have to have the landscaper get and plant a new one for me.  This year I put in a tree outback, Japanese lilac.  It will never replace the wonderful big old ash trees we used to enjoy before we had to take them down due to emerald ash borer.  The 2016 photo shows one old ash and the 2023 photo  below shows the new garden chain link fence.

 

  In August SIL came to visit from CO and raved about the side hydrangea which I know is looking older, more tired, just not as it used to be.  I found a photo of it August 2015 below.

And as blogger and maybe google are acting up that is it for this update for me

Don't want to be deleted by Google, so....

 Received an email from Google today that mentioned deletion of any account which remains inactive for 2 years.  Although I seldom blog here anymore, thought I should sign on and enter something.  Part of the notice:

"Therefore, we are updating the inactivity period for a Google Account to two years across all our products and services. This change starts rolling out today and will apply to any Google Account that’s been inactive, meaning it has not been signed into or used within a two-year period. An inactive account and any content in it will be eligible for deletion from December 1, 2023."

My book blog, the other blog I set up to track the books and authors I read had something bizarre happen.  All the photos and sidebar labels, photos there  were discarded.  I still do not know how that happened.,  Maybe when I didn't read one of these Google emails and just deleted.  Anyway I am so disgusted to have lost all of that from the blog which had been ongoing for several years.  No way can I reconstruct it nor do I have time to do so.  So now I  just try to post the book, author and very brief commentary about it and will go forward.  Most of my postings are on Facebook because that is where I have interaction with  people I know all over the country and some  outside the country too.  Blogging fell by the wayside.  

Yet when I read that today I did not want to lose this too.  So posting here and this should show my activity.  For now.  

She Is Me

 

My cousin sent me this and the more I see it the more I know this is me. I have gotten through, I did not know there was a choice.  One cannot just lay down nor wallow, nor give up.  Humans are not like a flower done blooming that can wilt away although I sure have wished I could at times.  

Overall I am doing quite well since Jerry passed in December, medically the stress of all this has not harmed me, my doctors are pleased.  My annual cardiologist check up went very well,  Those are good, I am somehow working it through.  But the last couple days, for no particular reason, I seem to backslide.  I have read/heard that grief is like that, just about the time you think you are in smooth waters, smooth easier sailing, watch out here comes a wave.  Strange feelings, for me as I am noticing this aloneness.  When I come in from outside weeding and trimming, there is no one to say, "ok, you have done enough for one day, done now.."  so I have to tell that to myself.    I think about my friends who were single and who lived alone, the closest are gone now too.  But they managed OK.  How did they do that?  Was it because that was ll they knew.  They had nothing to get really used to.  One lived with her aging parents and after they passed she stayed in the family home and continued on with life.

Maybe if you are not used to someone else being part of life, considering and  making decisions, companionship, comfort, love and 53 + years together being solitary does not seem different.  But for me it's major.  I miss him at pre dinner cocktail time when he'd have a beer and I'd pour a glass of wine.  Yes, I still pour myself that wine.  But no one is here to ask, "what's on the menu?" or, "let's go to Schmitty's and eat.."   No one is here to eat with.  I still cook, I always will.  I prefer my own food, I am just like my late aunt, "eat at home you know what you have then".  It is a challenge to purchase and cook portions to single, other than a chop, burger or small steak, so I adjust to having left overs.  Some I do not mind, left over salmon, chicken, even steak, cut or  diced into a salad make a good meal for me, especially on these hot days we have endured since June.   But this post is not about how I am cooking...it's about noticing how alone solitary life is.  

My cousin, the retired Monsignor who lives alone now in PA in his family home tells me that he is by himself and I will adjust. I suppose I have to,  there is no choice.  I am not the  one to start going out for fast food or  eating out alone just to sit alone in a restaurant.  

When I am overly busy with chores, errands or when I was so preoccupied selling the coach and pick up I didn't get this wistful.  So the grief wave right now will pass, I tell myself, It came to pass not to stay.  Doesn't mean I have to like it.  Just tolerate and accept..

An unwelcome discovery

  This very vintage steel, 4 drawer file cabinet in the garage belonged to Jerry's mom, who died in 2013 after a slow declining aging, ending last couple years in a facility, She saved everything and it was crammed full with bank statements, tax returns, all in original envelopes, receipts, etc going back to the 1950's. Some papers disintegrating. I kept mentioning to Jerry for years after it took up space here that he should clear it out. He apparently got tired of shredding & forgot about it.

So this week, I thought I'd tidy some garage shelves and store some things in it. Crap, When I opened it the drawers still were still over half full! So I shredded and tore several bags full, but got weary myself, needed this like a wart! I am down to 2 drawers still half full and taking a break.... tempted to just pitch whole contents but there are social security #'s, etc and although both she & father-in-law are dead, figure better shred,. There was a huge box of all the cards etc she'd received for her 90th birthday, & others. I did just dump that into recycle whole.

It amazes me, she dragged this thing from southern CA to northern CA when she moved to be near us when she became a widow, back in 80's, then it was moved cross country when we moved back to MN. Sigh and all now useless junk, clutter and more for me to do. I never run out of things to do! But I still have my own mess downstairs to clear!

Getting along but it sucks

2017 FL  Jerry found the
castle he wanted

 What another week but through my prayers , angels and my Tribe Beyond  I made it.   What I can say is this business of widowhood sucks,  just plain sucks.    I do not like it yet it is, I can do no more than what I do.  I am still in the lousy process of selling our dream castle on wheels, our motor coach, a lifetime to achieve that luxury level and then crap!  Never got to enjoy it.  It was Jerry's pride and joy.  It was to be our winter home as we'd snowbird.  So much was  to be, but then life twisted upside down, sideways  and inside out.  He is gone and here I am. It sucks. 

 I go along but I am so damn lonely.  I have lost more people than I know alive.  Some days I am just at home and never see or hear from anyone. I would like to have people pop in, stop by but that is not happening.  I have no one like that around here.  

3 to back up,  Jerry did alone

 This week I had to have Freon added to the front air conditioning system as I try to have it all nice for the  buyer. I am thankful for another local acquaintance who referred me to a very decent diesel service locally. It is tricky to pull into and out of its house, shop here, but Jerry did it himself always.  Well the techs did it too but they said "tricky".   Because the friend who drives it for me is off on their annual family vacation I needed someone to drive it there.  The shop was so gracious to me, they came to pick up and bring back, checked it all out and despite my worrying all was good.  The price was reasonable,  Surely a blessing.  The guys were very nice.  It had to be kept overnight  because they were busy, so that day until I heard that I stewed imagining the worst things wrong. 

 That is what I hate about the way I have become in widowhood,  I seem to always imagine the worst.  I was never that way before, I was always hopeful.  I used to be optimistic.  Will I never be that way again?  I hate being frantic, on edge, gloomy.  New me.is not me, awful.   

Coach has to fit  between rafters and
snugly into back bump out.  Tricky

I like the people who are buying it and I wish them the happiness with it that we looked so forward to and never got.  They are financing and the process has dragged on. I have had so much paperwork and I'm selling, sigh.   I will cry when this leaves yet I will be so thankful.  This has been a huge burden on me.  It will soon be over. It has been exhausting beyond what I could have ever imagined.  So much responsibility alone. 

 Through all this ups and downs and worries that all worked out I have missed Jerry more and more.  Being alone without anyone to talk things over or share hurts.  I am very disappointed in so called friends locally. I have no family. The  few who are afar do not care.   I know now people go on their own way,  they do not care about me and my trials, feelings.  They are on with their lives.  So I endure and with much prayer I get along.  But it sucks. 

 I laughed the other day ,thinking   if just  a few of the phony FB friend requests I get from men were real, I would be flattered,  in a more optimistic mood.  But I ignore all those, wisely,  nothing but trouble. Despite their claims to be widowers, and good looking, hah!   At least I am not that gullible,  and I am not looking for a man.  I only wish I had real friends who came by and or called.  I wish I had someone to talk to, to listen to me.  I miss Jerry. 

2017 into the shop he had it shining

Endurance in grief

 I really hate grief and there is not much in life I hate.  I am not comfortable with hate.  It is a bitter emotion and useless I have always thought.  But living with the grief of being a widow, I can truly say I hate.  I do not like it and all I can do is just go through, endure, because here I am.

Last night I took the refresher class for Defensive Driver for seniors, those over age 60.  This happens every two years and gets me 10% discount off my car insurance rate.   I usually learn or relearn something too.  It is a useful refresher but I wish it were not every 2 years and that the class did not take 3 hours.  e get out early if the people will not ask incessant silly questions of the instructor or feel the need to say what happened to them when.  But people seem compelled to have to comment.  Our instructor is a local friend, retired State  Highway  Cop and semi truck driver still.  He does his best to move things along.  He had explained answering a question about why bicyclists who are to obey the same road rules as vehicles are not cited for violations,  because judges do not want to be bothered.  How many police officers will waste their time writing tickets that a judge will toss?  No back up to enforcement gets no enforcement, pure and simple.  It was not 5 minutes later when another woman asked "why aren't bicyclists given tickets?"  Sheesh, lady pay attention he just went through it.  If these people can pay no more attention to driving than they do in class, no wonder they are considered risky.  

At the start of the class my grief smacked me between the eyes.  The instructor opens the class asking everyone to write the names of 5 people in their lives important to them.  I do not have 5, in fact I do not really have any now that Jerry is gone.  I stretched to come up with 2 names, and yet I know I am not that important to them.  I do not hear from anyone routinely, let alone so called family.  When Jerry and I last took this refresher class together, at least I had him and a late friend, she is now gone too.  Our son has been gone since 2008, I truly have no one.  The next step was to cross off 2 of the 5 names at random which signifies the number or percentage of those who will be killed by distracted or intoxicated/drugged drivers. The exercise has lost all meaning to me. 

A FB contact on the FB Grief Speaks Out site shared this poem with me::::: 

FRIENDS DON'T COME BY

 

Friends don't come by too often,

ever since you went away.

I think they feel uncomfortable

and just don't know what to say.

 

On the times they do stop by

they never stay too long,

"I really must get going"

is always their same old song.

 

I try to keep them talking

'bout news and other stuff,

I don't let them see me crying,

or tell them how things are so rough.

 

But deep inside I really wish

they would ask me how I'm doing,

and sit and listen as I cry

not tell me stop "boo hooing".

 

I wish they'd try to understand

this pain inside my heart,

for though I knew it could happen,

I wasn't ready for us to part.

 

But since they don't I'll just get by,

I'll stay busy and try to smile,

until the day God calls me home

and I walk my one last mile.

 

© Forrest Phelps-Cook