STYMIED that's a good word

 Stymied means impeded , hampered, blocked,  all how I feel lately as January goes on, our gloomy grey overcast days continue and  sometimes I never leave the house. Days when  I never see another human...It has now been a month since Jerry died and some moments I get overcome and tears run out my eyes.  I let that happen because I know it is better to release.  I know about grief and yet here I experience a new level to me.  All alone,  this is what bugs me the most.  The days where I never see another where I do not talk to anyone other than on Facebook or when I call someone on the phone, those are the longest days.  

This photo came up as a reminder today on my Facebook page,  it was from 2014 this same date  at the former Legion in town which is no more. It is now a room in the Event Center, a change that has not been fully  for the better.   Like so many other photos that appear, these are reminders on FB there used to be  two of us.  Life was that way.  But we had each other, now I have me, period.  Yes I will and am fine, but yes this is taking more than I can muster at times.   

The worst is when no one calls me.  I expected that.  People go their own way. At first folks are more concerned and while they are sincere in caring life goes on for them.  People generally are doing all of what they do as they go along, despite the offers, "if you need anything,  just call...."  Yes there are time I do call because I just want to talk to hear someone  and sometimes because I do need some advice or help.  Like Saturday when I asked a friend to stop in after I asked about a locksmith. Earlier in the week  I found two old  metal lock boxes shoved back on a shelf on Jerry's side of the closet and could not open them.  O Apparently Jerry had shoved them thee and forgotten about them.  I shook them,  they made noise and were kind of heavy so I did not know what was inside.  One had a key taped underneath but although it fit the lock I could not get it opened.  I thought I would have to take it to a locksmith but Saturday a good friend came was finally able to  get it open with the key.  It was from my late Uncle in PA and had ammo.  Inside was the key for the other box, also from my  uncle.  So he opened and it also was ammo, different bullets.  I thought Jerry had all that inside the gun safe or in another area we have in the cellar because he was meticulous about that and wanted me to be too.  But guess these he just forgot about over years.  Mystery solved.  I was thankful and relieved.  

I do not want to be morbid but this loneliness of widowhood is an experience I dreaded yet expected yet never thought it would get to me as it has, and yet here it is, and I must walk along this path. The cold temps outside although the snow has been minimal prevents me from going out for fresh air and a walk. Locals say this has been a decent January and yes, as to snow but doggone cold and overcast days.  We did get an overnight snow dump Thursday, the 14th.  It was wet and heavy, but the snowplow guy I hire took care of the driveway and front walk. I shoveled out back later that day and what would take me 30 minutes took 45 with the heavier snow.   It was ok but I was a bit stiffer afterwards.  Photo below shows out the garage door but not the side to the left where I also cleared the way.  

The isolation of winter is detrimental and as our roads and streets are clear I could go out, but where to go with covid?  And who to go with?  There is no more mall to go browsing and I have little interest in shopping anymore, what for?  I need to shed stuff and so I do gather and donate lots.  I am becoming a regular at the local Salvation Army where I take several bags a week as I continue to clear out Jerry's clothes.  I have made good progress but stop after a time, enough becomes enough.  It is one instance where I wish I had company someone to work along with me.  Yet I cannot just pester people to come  along when I have a moody twinge.  

 I have been keeping busy around here.  The last couple days I was sorting through coins that we collected over the years,  and some that we brought from PA from my late uncle.  The  ones that are silver I might take to a coin dealer but I googled  many of the others, including a lot of those bicentennial quarters and the ones from different states that were issued.  Most are only worth the face value so when I go to the bank I will take them and cash in for currency.  All that  messing around and there is only $81 from that  fiddling around, but I just as well get currency to spend.  We have 2 full collections of all the state quarters in an album and I will keep those,  who knows why.  I get into these moods or funks and while keeping busy is good I can begin to  feel "why bother."  I will just have to talk me through it. I cannot be stymied by grief nor widowhood.  There used to be support groups but covid decimated any of those also.  So it is me.

Wintry Blahs Gripes

Another cold winter snow swath is predicted to hit us tomorrow, so today I prepared by getting ready to be stuck at home and the just in cases.  I filled up with gas and made a grocery run.  Jerry had warned me when he woke me up, "If you have anything to do best do it today because tomorrow is not going to be good weather" Oh great  again.

When I got out of bed this morning I already felt what I can only describe as "Blah" 
and decided I would not go to the Y for my Monday morning Zumba.  Used to be I would prevail upon myself and tell me I needed the activity and  when I did not want to go was just the time I should, and I would be right and glad I did it.  But today I could not muster up that conversation with myself,  I cannot talk me into doing much these days.  Long winter blahs have  overcome me, even though we have had bright sunshine  the past few days. Jerry is still healing and we have not been as active socially as I would like, but that is all part of waiting out  the winter. So long as I get out around most days, I am  somewhat content, but I am getting cabin fever and at a minimum frustration  with lack of variety.  I do not understand how those cooped into smaller places cope. Frankly this is not what we planned, we are supposed to be down south in Florida in our coach living the good life.  Plans, we make them and God laughs.  

Snow from  over nite Jan 19, 2019

The weekend snow storm  and sub zero temps would have the La Crosse Y parking lot Y icy, they do not clean the snow off thoroughly  the last year.  I have noticed many things have gone down hill with the retirement of the senior staff, maintenance crew and now in the hands of the younger staff.  And today MLK Holiday the Y will be even more crowded.  Mondays have become a drag, almost an impossibility to park even on the far side, King Street where I usually park.  Nothing frustrates me as much as not being able to park to work out.  Honestly the Y really needs to do something about the situation, but what?  The do not have the parking capacity but continuously do outreach for new members, holding meetings, enticing people to join, and encouraging folks to sit there for hours.  Actually there is I feel too much lobby and area sitting,  many people just congregate there, I guess it is social and all for the good, but while they sit  their cars take up all the parking spaces.  I have long supported the YMCA for their Christian values, but truth be told I am now questioning my  commitment to them.  I  wonder why I would support an organization where I no longer enjoy the  activities and experiences as I once did, has it just grown old for me or  has it changed, have I?  Ahh too many wintry questions. When I helped in their annual fundraising efforts, which I no longer do, I  learned that  25%  of their membership is  on a subsidized  plan of some sort, this means lower fees for  those unable to pay and higher fees for  the rest of us.   I used to think that was nice but lately I have been either becoming less charitable or more aware?  Is this  just another  socialistic movement with a Robin Hood like agenda, take from the haves and give to the  have-nots, make it all equal.  That is a philosophy which I rather detest, it leads to dependence at worst and laziness at best, socialism, communism.  Not for me.  So I find myself feeling less amenable towards solicitations for the betterment of whatever group.  I donate very generously to my church and to a few select organizations, and really do not consider myself hard hearted or stingy, but  when does enough become enough? Truly if there were other options than the Y I would switch, but the gyms are not for me, and the community ed group classes are in the evenings, I prefer daytime.  And so  I may be stuck with the Y, it occurs to me that being cooped for the winter makes me think more about things like this than I would if I were outdoors.