I love this photo from our October 2014 Cruise along the Eastern Maritimes and to Quebec. It was over our 47th anniversary. The last cruise we took It shows how we adored each other, we really did and now I so miss that. I miss the hugs, being the other half of a whole and the companionship that was the normal for what was us. I know I can treasure the memories and rejoice that we had each other for 53 years but that doesn't resolve feelings of loneliness. Something I have never before truly experienced. A feeling I do not like, not at all. 
2014 Us on October cruise
I am learning about being alone, nothing unique just to me I am sure. So many have warned me about with this widowhood, singlehood. One is that folks really go there own way about their own business or on with their own lives and so here I am. I was somewhat stung by Jerry's son's comment on the phone last week overlooking something that concerned me, "life goes on." Yes it does, indeed and although I have often said that, I thought, " how smug, oh you just wait." Wait until you have a good solid tragedy and you will no longer spout trite sayings. How easily these adages slip out of the mouth of the unaware. Yes life does go on. Mom always said so and having been widowed young, pregnant with me as my father lost his life in WWII, she knew tragedy. But someone who brushes everything off with this casual remark will have their day.
I lament wintry days if I do not get out of the house because I may not hear nor see another human being. Although people say call if you need anything, how can I call and just say, "hey I need to just hear someone." This is what happens without family. Things happen and I realize I have no one to discuss them with. I can talk to myself and so far myself is putting up with me. What if myself gives up too?
Last night the cable box on the tv in the living room quit, as I discovered when I tried to turn on the tv and no reception. I had vacuumed earlier so thought perhaps I had loosened a plug, but not so. I discovered the reception box had no little red light as do the others for the other tv's. Jerry would have known this right away, but I never paid attention. So fortunately this morning I called our provider which is also our local phone, internet and video service provider, a co-op with good local service. Yes she acknowledged, the box likely was no good. Then she asked if I felt comfortable replacing it myself or would I want the technician to install it. Yes, although I could see the box, I prefer someone to install who knows what to do. I made an appointment for Thursday although they could have come this afternoon but I had another appointment for this afternoon. I thought at the time. It is not urgent because there are 2 other tv's I can watch. One in the kitchen that I have on when I'm out there, fixing dinner, etc. And the big nice screen downstairs where I have begun to retreat in the evenings just as we used to do. But I didn't have Jerry to talk to. I had no one to talk to when today's appointment had to be rescheduled, when they called and asked for tomorrow, well I'd already booked the TV service for morning and so who knows how long these things can take. So now today's appointment will reschedule to Friday. This is all just routine stuff, but stuff we would have talked about or handled differently. Jerry would have installed the tv box himself, I wouldn't have even had to be here. But most of all there was no companion to talk with. The aloneness of it is haunting at times and it will always be.
I received a grief newsletter from the hospice service and one coping strategy they recommend is to journal, daily. I am using this blog for that as my grief journal in away. Well since I had ceased blogging and lost all followers, several of whom passed away, I can write here., No one will read it anyway. I used to keep journals for years but no longer. In fact I will soon be destroying those because the entries are truly personal and I have no one that I want reading them after I'm gone or even while I'm here.
I stumble around some days without anywhere to go, so I go to mail something at the local post office just to get out of the house for a minute or two although I could easily put it in the mailbox and let the carrier pick it up. I need very little at the store so no need to go to the grocery store. In fact I must begin to use the multitude of food stored up here on hand. I do not need that much for just me. So that eliminates another activity, grocery shopping. Not that I've done it that frequently during this pandemic and with Jerry's illness. But still I realize now the need is less.
Emptiness, nothing I need to do. And while I am grateful to not have pressing needs days are wide open for what? Something else I have confirmed is that just because you hire someone and pay them to do something for you does not make them your friend. This I learned because a local friend who has done work for us and who still does snowplowing, etc called to ask if I wanted to sell a battery charger because he needed one. I do not know much about the many tools and equipment Jerry had so told him he could come and look down in the shop himself. That was a mistake because while down there although there was no battery charger, he got ideas about other tools he spotted and asked about my selling them. Right now all I am trying to do is sell 2 snow blowers that I will not use and without any luck whatsoever. So I told him I was not ready. did not know the value, etc. The next weekend he called again and came with his adult son whom he'd told about the air compressor. He asked if he could show it to him so again I gave him the keys to the shop and let them go down there. Now I know they would not take anything and it was too cold out for me, but I regret playing into this. Here is where I confuse friendship with other motives. When they came back up the son casually offered me $100 for the air compressor. But at least my inner self, stinkometer, or maybe it was Jerry's protective spirit told me, "not so fast.." I replied I did not know the value and was really wanting an inventory and appraisal but I would think of it and get back to them. I googled and laughed, the model Jerry has is heavy duty nearly commercial grade if not commercial, valued over $1000. And Jerry took pride in all his tools and equipment, everything was top notch and in pristine condition. So although I know I will not get full value, it is worth more than $100. Do they think I am that naïve or are they dumb? Or were they just trying to pull a fast one on me? He commented that Craftsman was a cheap brand and I knew that was not at all true so I was on alert then. Jerry had nothing cheap. I could hear Jerry saying, "see I told you not to blindly trust people, just because they say something..." I called another local good friend who laughed and told me, "oh no, not on your worst day, that is worth way more than $100." Besides he agreed I would be ahead to go with a professional appraisal and inventory and pro to hold an auction. That is what I will do eventually. I have learned that they haul the stuff out and sell through their warehouses and online. That is preferable to me. Don't want throngs of people coming around here. But back to the friend who caused me to feel uneasy, I called him the next day after fussing with myself, I hesitated to say too much but merely repeated that I was not ready and wanted get appraisals, etc. I refrained from saying more. I was somewhat concerned about offending him ? What? But yes I was. I resent that I trusted someone I though to be a friend, and now wonder, what is the motive? Is it innocent as I presumed or wanting to take advantage? I have learned to be cautious. And again thankful I do not need to rush to make decisions. This solo life has challenges. That is how my days go. I miss Jerry. .
It has only been a month now since Jerry passed on. I am sure I will have even more revelations. I suppose I will go along and learn, but I will be cautious. As many warned me, be careful because people try to take advantage when they can.. .
