An unwelcome discovery

  This very vintage steel, 4 drawer file cabinet in the garage belonged to Jerry's mom, who died in 2013 after a slow declining aging, ending last couple years in a facility, She saved everything and it was crammed full with bank statements, tax returns, all in original envelopes, receipts, etc going back to the 1950's. Some papers disintegrating. I kept mentioning to Jerry for years after it took up space here that he should clear it out. He apparently got tired of shredding & forgot about it.

So this week, I thought I'd tidy some garage shelves and store some things in it. Crap, When I opened it the drawers still were still over half full! So I shredded and tore several bags full, but got weary myself, needed this like a wart! I am down to 2 drawers still half full and taking a break.... tempted to just pitch whole contents but there are social security #'s, etc and although both she & father-in-law are dead, figure better shred,. There was a huge box of all the cards etc she'd received for her 90th birthday, & others. I did just dump that into recycle whole.

It amazes me, she dragged this thing from southern CA to northern CA when she moved to be near us when she became a widow, back in 80's, then it was moved cross country when we moved back to MN. Sigh and all now useless junk, clutter and more for me to do. I never run out of things to do! But I still have my own mess downstairs to clear!

Getting along but it sucks

2017 FL  Jerry found the
castle he wanted

 What another week but through my prayers , angels and my Tribe Beyond  I made it.   What I can say is this business of widowhood sucks,  just plain sucks.    I do not like it yet it is, I can do no more than what I do.  I am still in the lousy process of selling our dream castle on wheels, our motor coach, a lifetime to achieve that luxury level and then crap!  Never got to enjoy it.  It was Jerry's pride and joy.  It was to be our winter home as we'd snowbird.  So much was  to be, but then life twisted upside down, sideways  and inside out.  He is gone and here I am. It sucks. 

 I go along but I am so damn lonely.  I have lost more people than I know alive.  Some days I am just at home and never see or hear from anyone. I would like to have people pop in, stop by but that is not happening.  I have no one like that around here.  

3 to back up,  Jerry did alone

 This week I had to have Freon added to the front air conditioning system as I try to have it all nice for the  buyer. I am thankful for another local acquaintance who referred me to a very decent diesel service locally. It is tricky to pull into and out of its house, shop here, but Jerry did it himself always.  Well the techs did it too but they said "tricky".   Because the friend who drives it for me is off on their annual family vacation I needed someone to drive it there.  The shop was so gracious to me, they came to pick up and bring back, checked it all out and despite my worrying all was good.  The price was reasonable,  Surely a blessing.  The guys were very nice.  It had to be kept overnight  because they were busy, so that day until I heard that I stewed imagining the worst things wrong. 

 That is what I hate about the way I have become in widowhood,  I seem to always imagine the worst.  I was never that way before, I was always hopeful.  I used to be optimistic.  Will I never be that way again?  I hate being frantic, on edge, gloomy.  New me.is not me, awful.   

Coach has to fit  between rafters and
snugly into back bump out.  Tricky

I like the people who are buying it and I wish them the happiness with it that we looked so forward to and never got.  They are financing and the process has dragged on. I have had so much paperwork and I'm selling, sigh.   I will cry when this leaves yet I will be so thankful.  This has been a huge burden on me.  It will soon be over. It has been exhausting beyond what I could have ever imagined.  So much responsibility alone. 

 Through all this ups and downs and worries that all worked out I have missed Jerry more and more.  Being alone without anyone to talk things over or share hurts.  I am very disappointed in so called friends locally. I have no family. The  few who are afar do not care.   I know now people go on their own way,  they do not care about me and my trials, feelings.  They are on with their lives.  So I endure and with much prayer I get along.  But it sucks. 

 I laughed the other day ,thinking   if just  a few of the phony FB friend requests I get from men were real, I would be flattered,  in a more optimistic mood.  But I ignore all those, wisely,  nothing but trouble. Despite their claims to be widowers, and good looking, hah!   At least I am not that gullible,  and I am not looking for a man.  I only wish I had real friends who came by and or called.  I wish I had someone to talk to, to listen to me.  I miss Jerry. 

2017 into the shop he had it shining