Don't Ask Me Why, Thoughts, and 90 Minutes

Photo taken Christmas Day to email to granddaughter in Ca who wondered about our snow. It's cold now but lots of snow has melted. We fear not, more on the way!
We are on countdown days till we leave for CA on 1/6. Steve's memorial service is coming together. Just like life, there were some unseen twists. But if we trust God as hard as it gets He will see us though.

Although I'd talked with John, the pastor, and arranged for 1/10 for the service, I began to fret about how to have the food after the service. I can hear Steve now, "MOM! You worry too much!" Jerry echoes that. I guess I do. They say so!

So I left a message on the church answering machine. Well both John and the secretary, Melinda were on vacation between Christmas and New Years. One well meaning senior lady went through the messages and tried to "help" by returning the call. I was not at home so she talked to Jerry. But Jerry didn't get her name only the hard message that John was on vacation for 2 weeks! And further the church did not have a food committee. And no one was there! When I came home Jerry said, "someone from the church called and it doesn't sound good." I assured him that I talked to John. Jerry remembered as he was sitting right there. But still this lady called. I asked if it was a certain senior person whom I suspected. He didn't know. So back to fretting. Will life ever flow smoothly again? Remember we are in MN and all this is being done by email, phone or fax, long distance. For the 3rd month in a row now I have exceeded my cell phone minutes which is big time $$. But this too shall pass.

In a panic, though I prayed for stillness, and for help, please, now? We tried to rent the Portuguese hall in Newcastle. Our friend found it was booked. So back to more serious prayer and that this would be fine. After all, I talked to John and this was a misunderstanding surely.

Yes indeed that is what happened. Another call New Years Day from Fred assuring me John would be back and all would go fine. Last night John himself called to assure me; he'd heard the rumors. When he identified the person I knew that was who would have gotten it twisted--I'd even suggested her name. Lord when I get older please stop me from meddling, from creating havoc by trying to do good. Actually Lord stop me for doing that right now anyway at whatever age.

There have been two blessings through this. First, Adrian Pell who is such a talented humble musician sent an email about a new Church blog at Pioneer. When I asked him to play for the service he said, "Yes." His calendar is empty that day! Hallelujah! Then last night I talked with Dawn Mailcoat who sings beautifully and who will be able to sing the hymns--if we are especially lucky Shawn and Lynn will join her in a trio! Hallelujah again! I want upbeat, no organ, piano and lighter singing. I've asked for Be Not Afraid, Eagles Wings, Father I Place into Your Hands, Is It I Lord, and You'll Never Walk Alone. We used You'll Never Walk Alone at Mom's--she loved that song and so do I.

You know the hardest thing to gauge--how much food for the luncheon after the service? More fretting. Steve's good friend Wes who was trained as a first class chef is preparing the food. I was in distress trying to estimate numbers. Wes said, "Pat don't worry we are not having this to make people fat! If they come to a funeral to eat only that's too bad. We will just do our best."

After all isn't that what we can do anyway in all circumstances? Just do our best. It's what I told Steve; it's what I tried to do.


Last night I went outside in the snow to burn November and December pages from the 2008 calendar. Kind of my own little private burning bowl ceremony. But it was so cold the pages would not burn. I'll try again using a clay flower pot today! The days that came starting with the November hospitalization and following on through Steve's rehospitalization December6 to his passing on December 18 are days I will never forget. But we will try to keep the best memories and not recall the jagged edged days as we get on in life--this life we have. This life that is for the living.

I just read Don Piper's "90 Minutes in Heaven." A remarkable true story of the Baptist preacher who dies and is Heaven for 90 minutes before returning to life. It had been on my shelf for awhile. It was perfect timing for me to read it. Being a believer is easy to me but to read an experience that validates belief is encouraging. I recommend it for anyone, especially anyone who is grieving. One line that struck me, "We never lose someone when we know where they are...." referring to Heaven and Belief. So we never lose Steve. We know he is in a better place. We are just left behind here to do our best.

A friend in CA has a treasury of poetry and verse written by his late father. He shares it with me email and I always enjoy reading these. I keep saying he and his brother should publish these and maybe have some sketches or photos along with some of the writings. They have copyrighted them. Last summer, with his permission, I took one, "The Library" to our little La Crescent library. Lavonne Beach, our librarian, loved it so that she framed it and it is on display right at the front where books are checked out. Here's Don't Ask Me Why"


Don't ask me why the sun shines all the day.
Don't ask me why there's beauty in lambs at play.
Don't ask me why the weak have the heavier load,
Or why the savior of the garden is the ugly toad.

Don't ask me why that lovers always quarrel.
Don't ask me why the skein of life's a snarl.
Don't ask me why sound reason aside we shove,
Or, why we always kill the thing we love!

Don't ask me why we do the things we do.
Don't ask me why to ourselves we're seldom true.
Don't ask me why we revel, deep, in strife
Or, pleasure take, in baiting man or wife!

Don't ask me why we take the easier road.
Don't ask me why we seldom share the load
Of those, the weak, whose loss was but our gain,
Who suffered much that they might ease our pain!

Don't ask me why we love the meaner part.
Don't ask me why we shun the breaking heart
Of those, whose life, it could be ours to share
And, sharing, make it easier to bear!

Don't ask me why; I'm only human too.
Don't ask me why, the answer is never new
But lies in the womb of Time, endless, without span.
Ask of your God, but never ask of man!

Written by: Coleman Lee Williams
4/28/1900 - 5/5/1988

Closing out 2008, the worst year of our life

This photo shows me and Steve New Years Eve 1969. Here it is 39 years later and another NY Eve. We were on our way to friends for our annual gathering in that phot.

Right now I am not looking forward to our trip to CA for obvious reasons. I had the dumbest phone call yesterday with Roseville Telephone CO, Surewest. Someday this will be funny but right now it was frustrating. I called them to disconnect Steve's phone. I talked to 2 fools. Both of who assured me only Steve had authority to make any arrangements for that phone. I repeatedly tried to explain, "didn't you hear me or don't you understand? He is dead. I'm trying to help you by notifying you." The second person in "customer care" was dumber than the first one--she asked, "Do you have a power of attorney?" I don't. (She is so foolish that she does not know that a POA is only good while someone is alive. But I didn't want to engage her any farther.) I hung up in disgust after wishing them a good day and saying they could do whatever they wanted. It's not my problem! Jerry shrugged it off--he said I talked to them too long anyway. Obviously they did not want my help so they could do whatever they wanted. When they try to collect any $$ that will be funnier. Then I suppose they will threaten to disconnect his service!

I called the apt. mgr., landlord today who said that it is the worst phone co in the country but he would try to contact them as he has had to have services disconnected before for deaths, etc. or when someone moves. Steve's friends cleared out the apt. and gave the keys back last Saturday. God bless them all.

Tonight for New Years we will go to the Legion for an early dinner--Prime Rib buffet for Jerry and Scampi for me. Talked to Aunt Pearl last night (Uncle Henry's widow) who said she is going to burn the calendars for 2008. I agree. Surely better times are ahead.

To top off the year, our garage door and opener has to be replaced. Jerry had found a replacement gear on line, ordered it from NY and spent Christmas Day fixing it. Saving $$ he though with the part being only $38. Well it lasted only until yesterday and then again stripped the gear. Nothing to do but get it all replaced. It is only 10 degrees outside today and even with the heated garage we em joy, too cold to be monkeying further. Well a friend recommended Overhead Door Co in LaCrosse who came out and today replaced the opener. Things are looking up. Jerry had been considering replacing our big wooden garage door with a new metal one anyway but thought it would last till spring. He thought wrong. So we are $1900 poorer but now have an operating door and the new one will be installed after we return from CA. As one friend says, any problem that can be fixed with $$ is not a problem.

Amen to 2008.

Plodding along

Christmas Eve day I kept busy scanning photos of Steve from the many loose albums. That was soothing and here is one from Christmas 1973. I emailed them to his friend Ron who is putting a slide show together in CA for Steve's friends who are gathering privately. On the same day the hospital from Roseville called me about filling out Medi-Cal papers so they can get some reimbursement. I said I would try to do what I could for them when we arrive in CA. Understandably his friend Ron decided not to be signing things. Can't blame him.

I understand that the post office has a hold on Steve's mail and that they will release it when we go with a copy of the death certificate. Who knows what bills there are. We can't nor do we intend to pay those; our finances getting drained with the funeral, flight, etc. Even dying is not inexpensive in CA. The obituary in three smaller newspapers where friends will most likely see it is costing $274.

I found a website on grief yesterday that had several letters from adults who have lost adult children. There is an org. "Compassionate Friends" for surviving parents with a chapter in La Crosse, WI. I may check it out next year. Trouble is so much of that is for those who lose children and this is different as the website pointed out. Something I read did not sit well with me--they say allow 18 months for the grief to begin to ease! 18 months! that's a long time. I know it will take time but that surprised me.

I feel a tiny bit more solace with Steve's passing. He asked us to come when he was in the hospital the first time and we did, giving up the best laid plans. And although my last days with him had some very rough moments and not the best, I am glad we went to CA. I'm still holding onto that it was his time; I can hear the Lord say, "well this is enough" as he was in the ICU, sedated, and at the last medically paralyzed. This was not my boy, not the son I prayed for when I knew I was pregnant, not the child we raised with all the hopes in the world. Hi life was too short but at least I will no more worry about what's happening with him. I know he is in a better place.

We are considering going to the Legion for NY Eve dinner; prime rib buffet for Jerry & I'll just have the scampi. I don't like prime rib. Dinner's early between 5--9 so that will work. We have not seen midnight for many years---eyes don't stay open that long.

Christmas Tree Angel

Picture of Steve with Santa 1965. Received a funny story at the end of this, got me thinking about Christmases past. This morning I woke up wondering if I am ever going to have another day in my life where I don't have tears. Yesterday was especially rough. We ran errands preceded by my early AM trip to the dentist who kindly fit me in and replaced a tiny filling that fell off along my gum line. After the grocery stop and a trip to the dreaded Wal Mart we returned to La Crescent with a final stop in the local market. There I found Jerry's 91 year old mother who is not to be out in the arctic cold but who does whatever her demented mind feels she should do at the time. So we took her home. It's only a block from the store but it is less than zero degrees with the windchill, icy all around and besides she has a terrible siege of skin rawness on her face right now, again. Long story shortened here so I can get onto our Christmas angel, by the time we got home I was beat, exhausted. I don't seem to have the stamina I had just a week ago.


One year in CA I was shopping and Jerry & Steve decided to pull out the artificial tree and set it up before I got home. That way they would have avoided trudging out to buy a tree or any other spontaneous idea I might spring on them. They knew I loved Christmas and would busy myself decorating the tree thereby leaving them to watch football or do whatever else they had in mind. But we had two Siamese cats at the time and it was a circus, especially with the male. When I got home, there sat the tree sideways on the floor. Jerry and Steve sat on the couch with arms folded muttering. The cats had been attacking the tree and they were stymied as to how to keep it erect. What a comical sight to me; they were not amused. They resolved it by using a squirt gun to spray the cats anytime they even looked at the tree.

We have a treetop angel whom we bought in 1967 for our first tree. A couple years ago, her hair was thinning so I gave her a hair transplant. She now has long blonde ringlets. Another amazing thing about her is she looks like Dolly Parton--no kidding, this angel has a shape. They just don't make angels like this anymore! She was not made in China for one thing--it's a US creation! I believe we bought her in a Thrifty drugstore near our home. I know we didn't spend much on her because we didn't have much to spend in those days.

She always sat atop the tree until we bought our newest, 7 foot fiber optic tree. Sam's had these for a short time in CA. I insisted we buy it and it was too big for our house in Newcastle. We moved it to MN where today it graces the front living room window in splendor. There is no other like it. No more frustration to Jerry of stringing lights. This tree sparkles like white diamonds and besides has the white lights built in. But sadly there is no place for the angel or anything on top of this huge tree.

So our Dolly Angel has to be elsewhere. In some years I put up another tree downstairs in the TV lounging area. This year one tree is more than I can bear. So Dolly angel goes atop a small tree. This year she is just near the nativity downstairs. Things are different this Christmas.

Now for the Santa Story that started this thought. It came as, "A Christmas Story for people having a bad day"

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

It is over and yet it has just begun

Photos: Steve 2004for the school district ID, three of us appx.1983; Christmas 1976 our Newcastle garage Steve & Jerry,

At 3:00AM today December 18, Steve's big heart stopped beating. The call came and it was strange that I was awake before that just thinking about how we would face this.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all you do acknowledge Him and He will keep your path straight."

Steve has gone on and we hold onto his resting in peace in the Father's arms. We trust it was his time. I talked to the ICU earlier in the evening and the probing therapy, turning him onto his belly to relieve pressure on the lungs was not working. He just could not oxygenate. The doctors did not think he would make it. The infection in the lungs could not be overcome. I have been told this happens with diabetics. Hard to believe in this day and age of modern medicine but diabetes is so deadly.

Steve is gone. I'll no more hear those phone calls, "Hi, Mom, hate to ask this but.....or Hi Mom Don't worry everything will be all right or Hi Mom everything OK there?" It's been a day of phone calls and making long distant arrangements for CA. We hold tightly to each other. We are thankful for his friends and his support system in CA. They honor us by seeing this through and helping clear his possessions, etc. One said today that this must be for the best. Had he made it through this ordeal he would have been in rehab for a long time, mayber more than a year to recover and he would not have been happy.

Steve's memorial service to celebrate his 44 years with us will be in Auburn CA on January 10. I am thankful to have my home church, Pioneer United Methodist, to back us up. We saw no need to try to arrange something during holidays. We all are faced with dreary times as is.

I know 2 hymns for the service; the first Be Not Afraid which was just played for my Uncle Henry. I love it too as it reminds me of Pope John Paul. And to close I want "You'll Never Walk Alone" which my mom wanted and which we had as her final song.

We will use a favorite poem for the memorial service.
The Traveler By James Dillet Freeman

He has put on invisibility.
Dear Lord, I cannot see—
But this I know, although the road ascends
And passes from my sight,
That there will be no night;
That You will take him gently by the hand
And lead him on
Along the road of life that never ends,
And he will find it is not death but dawn.
I do not doubt that You are there as here,
And You will hold him dear.

Our life did not begin with birth,
It is not of the earth;
And this that we call death, it is no more
Than the opening and closing of a door—
And in Your house how many rooms must be
Beyond this one where we rest momently.

Dear Lord, I thank You for the faith that frees,
The love that knows it cannot lose its own;
The love that, looking through the shadows, sees
That You and he and I are ever one!


I can gain some comfort in knowing Steve is with my Dad and they are making a great relationship--the father I never knew with the son we had for too short a time. Sometimes this feels like a nightmare, other times too real.

Steve update Scars of Life

The photo was taken in CA, 2007 Thanksgiving of me, Shelly McGrath,and Steve. Shelly is his long time neighbor sister horse friend! Took no photos this time in CA--all we did was hospitals. We wait one day at a time. Steve was not responding in ICU. At 4:30AM on Monday 12/15 the ICU nurse called to say that I would be called to make a decision to remove his ventilator and to prepare for it. It is what I feared.

All day I let people know and prayed and many prayed with us. The worst conversation was with Steve's dear friend, Kevin. I thought it best to call and give him a heads up. He broke down and then I did. They are younger and this is devastating. It is so unnecessary but I have to remember Steve is an adult and made his own life choices; his is not my life to live.

About 7:00PM on 12/15 the ICU called and I steeled myself. But this time it was a different ICU trauma nurse with a bit of hope--God's answer. They have moved him to a trauma ICU with a special bed that allows them to flip him onto his belly to alleviate pressure on the lungs for about 6 hours at a time. We pray this will help. So many of his close friends in CA have been on the watch, keep in touch and pray and are doing all they can.

I am thankful for my strong faith and as I have believed we don't know, only God does, but right now he wants us to wait and be still. I received this story from a friend today and loved it so I am posting it here as prayers continue.

I also have a doctor's appointment today to just check on my self. I think I'm bearing up well and certainly feel much better after sleeping last night, but I don't want to get ill myself. I have the strength of a life long faith, raised in the church for which I am grateful.

The Scars of Life

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in south Florida, a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.

He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore. His father working in the yard saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could. Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late.

Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him.From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to
drive by, heard his screams, grabbed his gun, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.

The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms,too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go!"

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you.

The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins and if you have the scars of His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go.

God has blessed you, so that you can be a blessing to others. You just never know where a person is in his/her life and what they are going through. Never Judge another persons scars, because you don't know how they got them.

Right now, someone needs to know that God loves them, and you love them, too- enough to not let them go.


And just to show that we must find humor, what follows is something a friend composed to respond to the Scars.....I said he has too much time on his hands.

'.......And then the PETA people sued the farmer for shooting an alligator. He was fined 500 dollars for hunting out of alligator season and without a license. The Brady gun grabbers confiscated his shotgun and the Child Protective Services bunch filed abuse charges against the father and took custody of the son. The ACLU filed suit against the author of the story for using the word "God" in his story and Congress enacted legislation which prohibited swimming in any waters which were not contained in a concrete tub. Al Gore and Michael Moore are currently working on a film depicting the incident as the result of global warming as that alligator might not have been in that pond if the water had been cooler...." Tom

Son Update

Sliding downhill continues. Phone call yesterday that son, Steve is back in the hospital. This time in ICU. He was admitted Saturday. They said infection, but not related to the wound. Yesterday I talked to the ICU nurse who said it was pneumonia and that they were keeping him sedated but that when awake he could follow voice commands to squeeze her hand, etc. They have him on a ventilator and because he would try to remove it he is sedated.

Today it is not so. He is non-responsive and they may do a cat scan to determine brain activity. They claim to have aspirated his lungs and got nothing although his breathing was rough. I asked if this could be from the sedation drugs and the pain pills they have given him.

I think I am prepared for anything. All is in God's hands. Prayers continue and we wait. I am glad that I am home in MN, even with the snow and cold. What would I do out there in CA alone?

This afternoon a winter mix storm is coming upon us with more tomorrow. Our 4-5 inches of snow is to increase to about one foot. Thankful to stay indoors.

Our tree is up and decorated. I did less this year but enjoy the sparkle of the season and so the tree is my awakening of the holiday spirit. Even without decorations it looks grand. We bought it a few years ago in CA and it's the only one like it we have ever seen--white fiber optics and white lights. It sparkles like diamonds.

Two nativity sets oversee the season--the oldest downstairs and the newest in the upstairs living room. The dining room table has the Christmas gold in abundance.

We pray for healing miracles in this season of miracles.

The Battle Within

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all..

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

The grand son thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
'Which wolf wins?'

The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'